SHUT UPPP

You've got to be freakin kidding me. Is this a real thing? You're actually going to buy a piece of plastic to put in your hair to make yourself look like a Conehead. Rad. I've never understood the "hair bump" thing; aside from making you look like you just stepped out of an SNL sketch, you also look like you may have left a curler in there somewhere and just kind of said "Meh, go with it." and pulled the rest of your hair over the curler and pinned it up anyway. So anyway - in case you can't find the cardboard tube from an empty roll of toilet paper or a giant highlighter or something else creative (and free) to stick under your stupid looking hair bump, you can purchase this little treasure to make your hair look like a small volcano.

Remember when I said that I came back from vacation with a bunch of new reasons to hate people? Here's Mere's Enemy #389234, I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady. She was on our shore excursion in Progreso, which was a trip to the Uxmal Mayan ruin site. I immediately knew we were gonna have issues when the five of us got on the bus and it was full of old people. Thinking to myself "Y'all know this is a long trip right? Like we're gonna be outside and walking for a good four hours? And this is southern Mexico, so it's, like, really hot?" I sat in the back and tried to give the blue hairs the benefit of the doubt. Ok, maybe "blue hairs" is unfair; that term is generally reserved (by my dad) for the early bird crowd at Luby's, but these people were definitely eligible for the senior special at most buffet lines.
Anyway, we arrive at Uxmal and begin our tour with Gabriel, who is living my dream and being a tour guide at an archaeological site in Mexico (definitely on my list of top 5 most awesome jobs ever). He tells us from the beginning that we will have about an hour long guided tour and then at least two hours of free time to explore, ask questions, visit the shops and restaurants outside the park, etc. Ok, sounds good. First stop on the tour: the Magician's Pyramid (awesome!). I'll even illustrate it for you:

Awesome, right? Like, you totally want to know all about this thing, right? Especially if you paid for the tour and then rode a bus for 2 hours to get there? Well apparently some of these people were less interested in the super sweet ancient pyramid and more interested in the iguanas that were climbing on it. I wish I were kidding. It's the Yucatan, there are iguanas literally everywhere, they are ridiculously no big deal, but to these four-year-old old people they were more fascinating than the giant chunk of awesome architecture they were climbing around on. About four times during Gabriel's first five minute talk he was interrupted by people saying "There's an iguana! Do you see the iguana? It's climbing right there! There's another iguana! It's climbing down the steps! Iguana, iguana, iguana!" I hate you so much.
Then I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady wanders off to take a picture of the iguanas. While this guy's still talking! Whatever. Gabriel goes on to talk about some numbered stones visible on the side of the pyramid, how the archaeologists actually had to disassemble part of it last year during a pattern of very heavy rain, etc. so they numbered them so they would know where they go when they had to put them back. Now we're ready to move on to the next place but wait, where's I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady?? Oh here she is, out of breath and drenched and wandering back up to the group, and just as I'm thinking "Damn, I hate that woman!" she goes "Question: What do those numbers on some of the stones mean?" I HATE YOU!
Pretty much my next hour was spent actively hating that woman and one or two others. Every time Gabriel would bring us to something new they would literally flop down on the ground like they'd just sprinted a 5k and then finally at the very last place on the tour I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady finally just wandered away for good, found herself a shady rock, and sat there. That's ri-damn-diculous. I'm pretty sure our tour guide was as disgusted as the five of us were. Uxmal is large but it's nowhere near city-sized, in total we probably walked a half a mile, and it was in the morning so it wasn't even all that hot. Whatever.
Anyway, of course I took a picture of I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady for voodoo doll purposes (not voodoo on her specifically, but on all that she represents). And if it looks like we were planning to drop an anvil on her from this vantage point (we were on top of a pretty huge pyramid)...you're not far from right.

Want to know how to really annoy me? Like really bad? And instantly irritate me to the point that I not only don't feel like helping you but am also already building an irrational grudge against you that will make your life suck later? Insert the word "Question" before a question. Now, I get that it's hilarious when Dwight Schrute does it. Dwight gets away with a lot. In my daily life, however, SHUT UP. Know what? I'll get that you're asking me a question after you've ASKED ME THE QUESTION. Telling me in advance that you're planning to ask me a question doesn't excite me, doesn't make me pay more attention to what you're about to say, and doesn't make you less annoying. It does, in fact, have the opposite effect of all of those things. And it wastes time, and you know how much I love to do that on my own (I don't need your help!). PLUS it's gotten to where the word "question" bothers me and I'm going to add it to my Banned Words list (the verbal equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard) with words like "turd" and "juxtaposition".

So don't piss me off. If you're gonna ask me a question just ASK the flippin QUESTION, k? Thanks. Gah.

So lately I don't know if I've been, like, really impatient or just very eager to get to the next webpage but I've been doing a lot of delayed double-clicking. Like, I'll click on a link, and then my computer doesn't immediately send me to the next webpage and nothing happens for a second, so I'll click on it again. No problem, EXCEPT those ad people have gotten tricky and it turns out that one click is enough (you'd think I'd get that by now...) and the second click just clicks on whatever is in that spot on the next website. Which, more often than not, is a FREAKING BANNER or some other ad. And by the time the next website comes up I already know what I've done and all I can do is sit there and think "DAMMIT." because now I'm gonna have to sit here while the banner pops up and tells me to click the pink iPhone or whatever and I'll have to close it and then go about my day. Yes, I know that it's only 15 seconds but still - Dammit.

Sneaky ad people.

This was on The Soup on Friday. I'm doing my damnedest to hate the song but COME ON! It's so catchy! Anyway, McHale made me hate myself less. THANKS!