SHUT UPPP

Last night I had some very important TV watching to do, in the form of two hours of The Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other plans so every time the show went to commercial they'd pull this "extended commercial break" thing where the meteorologist guy would come on the screen with all his glowey monitors and gadgets and talk for endless minutes about this one skinny green and red line slashing through Central Texas. Like "Hey guys, it's gonna rain, and there's a lot of wind. Here it is, it's moving east, and let me just tell you again: it's gonna rain. There's a lot of wind. Please seek shelter immediately if you are outdoors (Really? I'm sorry, if you stay outdoors when the wind and rain pick up you deserve what's coming to you!) and let me show you again: this front is moving in to the Austin area, we're expecting very heavy rains and strong winds. It's moving east, seek shelter and stay away from outside walls and move to the first floor of your home, we are expecting very strong winds out of this front that is moving east..." I'm not freaking kidding you. This was ridiculous! And they pull this every time we have some kind of bad storm, they act like nobody knows what to do. I'm sorry, I have one word for people who stay outside in weather like that: Darwin. And really, now I know why everybody threw milk shakes at Nicolas Cage in The Weatherman. We fracking get it! You don't have to say it 20 times and interrupt our shows at every commercial break. Ugh, I hate you.

ALSO: Apparently, I'm funny (who knew?!) and I've been admitted to Humor Bloggers, a kind of community/blog directory for people who blog funny. Anyway, it would be awesome if y'all would stop by and rate my site. You can click "Rate 'Shut Uppp'" on the Shiny Stuff link list to the left or I'll make it easy for you and you can just click here. It improves your karma! Thanks everybody. I LOVE YOU! I really do.

So one of my favorite girls (Katie from Your Daily Dose of Awesome) recently posted a blog on yoga etiquette. I found this completely brilliant because now that every gym has yoga classes, tons of insensitive people are now regularly "doing yoga", although ask 80% of them why and they'll never mention the awesome emotional and spiritual benefits that actually practicing yoga will bring you. Since rejoining el Globo Gym Amanda and I have dropped in to a bunch of different classes, determined to get our money's worth (Ask me about our Saturday dance class! Hilarious.) and last night we went to a pretty freakin awesome yoga session. Of course, a great yoga class must be balanced with a huge amount of idiocy. So tonight we're in the middle of some floor poses a full thirty minutes into the one hour class and the door opens. WTF? Sure enough, this girl walks in pretty much in street clothes and kind of mills around by the door, stepping loudly until pretty much everyone in the room is looking at her, at which point her mom? Friend? Or someone waves at her from the middle of the front row. Really?? So Giggly Annoying Girl (heretofore known as "GAG") giggles and rushes to the prop wall, grabs a mat, runs to the middle of the room and plops the mat down between her mom and her neighbor, and then giggles some more. Really?? You suck! So whatever, everybody seems to recover from the distraction and eventually we're all back on track. UNTIL: Inversions!! One of my fave things to do (Thanks to a good friend of mine who is the most awesome yoga teacher I've EVER had!) and something I really want to get better at. Anyway, the instructor demonstrates how to do a shoulder stand, then moves on to how to do a headstand, stressing that you should only do this if you feel comfortable. So the instructor's in a headstand and she can see GAG from where she is and GAG is prepping for a headstand and this is what happened:
INSTRUCTOR: Ok, I'm really worried about this student (meaning GAG).
GAG: No response.
INSTRUCTOR: I don't think you're quite ready for this. I mean - I'm not trying to be mean or anything at all but I don't think you're ready.
GAG: No response, and now is trying to figure out how to position herself so she won't break her neck but she's totally about to break her neck.
INSTRUCTOR: I really really strongly advise against you doing this one, please don't try it, I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to look out for you.
GAG: Still no response, ignores Instructor, has to have the biggest headache by now because she's pretty much repeatedly slamming her head on the floor trying to kick up into a headstand gymnastics-style.
INSTRUCTOR: (Now appealing to GAG's mom/whatever) I don't want her to do this, I'm not trying to be mean but I don't think she's ready. I'm not saying this to hurt her feelings. She's just not ready for this one.
GAG'S MOM: (Looks at GAG, looks back at Instructor, finally kind of taps GAG and GAG kind of rolls her eyes and just sits there huffily)

Yeah, that just happened. I couldn't freaking believe that! It might be a class at a gym that YOU pay for but the poor instructor was just trying to keep this girl safe! Good Lord. AND the class was totally disrupted again because we were all a little distracted and worried about this chick who seemed determined to F her own stuff up. People, freakin please.

The Movie: Defiance
Seen On: Thursday 2/5 At: Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek With: Dale & Ben
Who's In It: Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber
In 100 Words: “Defiance” tells the story of the Bielski brothers, part of a Jewish family living in Belorussia during WWII. After their family is killed, the four brothers end up hiding in the woods on the run from Germans. The whole first 90 minutes of the movie is somehow slow and yet still attempts to cram a lot into a small space: food shortage, growing numbers of refugees, creating community, conflicting opinions, rescue missions, hookups in the woods, and something about the Red Army. What? Exactly. But you get to stare at Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig, and then everything blows up.
It's Kind Of Like: Red Dawn meets Uprising and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? I guess.
Running Time: 2 hours, 17 minutes. Feels Like: Almost 3 hours.
Favorite Quote: "Nothing is impossible. What we have done is impossible."
Sucker Punch Count: At least 5, plus one sucker-shooting.
How It Changed My Life: I'm now completely sure that I will never set my time machine to Belorussia in 1941.
I'd Recommend This Movie For: People with more patience than me; Historians and sociologists; People who can suppress the urge to yell "WOLVERINES!" in a crowded theater.
Final Rating: 2 1/2 Awesomes (Out of 5). Meh.

- YES it really is possible to wait too long to order your bridesmaids' dresses. It's happened. And sometimes there is literally not a thing in the world we can do about it - the dresses do not exist and I cannot magically make them appear for you in time for the wedding. So please, when we say order in advance, order in advance. We're not just saying that to try and get you to pay for something today. There are brides getting married with mismatched bridesmaids or even a bridesmaid or two short because they didn't place their order soon enough.

- NO, I'm not going to write a description of your dress so that you can put it in your newspaper announcement. Funny story: a girl once asked me to do that and I was REALLY in a mood that day, apparently, and so I said "Well, what does your dress look like?" And she replied "It's white, and it's kind of flowy chiffon fabric with a split front and cap sleeves with beading." So I said "Ok, do you have a pen? Write this down: The bride wore a white chiffon gown with a full skirt and cap sleeves with detailed embroidery and embellishments. How does that sound?" She thought it sounded great. Duh. If you can describe your dress to me, you can describe it to the newspaper.

- YES, everyone that works here has strong arms. Good observation. We lift giant wedding gowns all day long and we carry about six bridesmaids dresses at a time. We also have a huge tolerance for ridiculous people.

- We really really don't have extra dresses in the back. I'm sorry. Some days you might get lucky and maybe there's a bra or slip in the right size that's back in receiving that we just haven't brought out yet but you don't understand how rare that is. We're not lying to you - we don't keep backstock of all this stuff. You really do have to order it.

- Nobody told you your alterations would be free, and you're really not the first crazy person who has tried to tell me that someone did. We spend LOTS of time going over what NOT to say to people about their alterations, and we all definitely, definitely know not to tell you that you alts are free. Shut up and get out of my line.

- Yes you need an appointment. Yes you will have to wait for-freakin-ever if you don't have one. I can't say it enough: You. Need. An. Appointment. I hate you.

I was uncharacteristically watching local news this morning and what to my wandering eye should appear but the delightful "headline" that the DTV switch has been pushed back from next week until June to "give people more time" to prepare. WTF?! Because I'm pretty sure they've been scrolling that message with the switch date and the number to call across the bottom of my TV for almost a year now. So the DTV groundhog saw its shadow and now we're in for four more months of stupid commercials, scroll bars, and obnoxious advertising for a switch that's probably not going to affect that many people. Oh and it's because "some people" didn't get the memo. Darwin says that those people should lose their TV signal 'til they get their stuff together.

You've got to be freakin kidding me. Is this a real thing? You're actually going to buy a piece of plastic to put in your hair to make yourself look like a Conehead. Rad. I've never understood the "hair bump" thing; aside from making you look like you just stepped out of an SNL sketch, you also look like you may have left a curler in there somewhere and just kind of said "Meh, go with it." and pulled the rest of your hair over the curler and pinned it up anyway. So anyway - in case you can't find the cardboard tube from an empty roll of toilet paper or a giant highlighter or something else creative (and free) to stick under your stupid looking hair bump, you can purchase this little treasure to make your hair look like a small volcano.

We've been over the whole "I'm a sucky cook" thing before, so you're probably not surprised to learn that I microwave. Like, a lot. At least two meals a day. To be fair it's not always TV dinners (Hello, Smart Ones quesadillas! Yum!), there are plenty of times when it's yesterday's home-cooked meal (Orrrr last night's takeout leftovers, whatever.) that just needs a quick zap before it's ready to eat. Anyway - I'm familiar with my microwave. Just imagine my surprise when I went to heat up my earlier and - WTF?! - there's a gigantic crack in the plastic, right by the handle. Hoooooly crap, how long has that been there? I'm thinking it's rather new because it's pretty noticeable, but that can't be good, right? And the inside panel (the one with the window) isn't cracked at all, but it still seems totally plausible to me that every time I turn the microwave on crazy scary rays of radiation shoot out of the crack and bounce around my house. To make it even better, it's the kind that is mounted over the stove, so the death rays are on brain-level. Fan-freakin-tastic.

So yeah, not only do I probably glow in the dark and emit small amounts of radiation, Silkwood style (Oh sorry, is that completely wrong to say?), I also get to wander over to the property management office tomorrow and tell them to fix it. Look for the "My Apartment Company Sucks" blog, more than likely coming soon.