SHUT UPPP

We weren't feeling our usual Tavern trip for trivia this week so Cam, Mary, Dale, and I braved the cold (WTF?!) wet weather and wandered over to Pluckers, which is much more conveniently located for us "North Austinites". Freakin biggest mistake any of us have made in a loooong time! But that's a different story. This is the story of Mary's Amazing and Semi-Hilarious Brain. During Matt's (UGH!) grab-bag round, he asked us to name the four railroads in Monopoly. I hate Monopoly so much, but Mary instantly wrote down "B&O" and "Reading". Then I said "Isn't there a Pennsylvania?" so we had three. A while later, the round was almost over and the four of us started to think on the fourth one. Then something awesome happened. Mary was trying to talk herself through it, here's her thought process as the rest of us heard it at the table:

Mary: Sun? Sunny. Sunshine. Shoeshine? Shoreline? Shoreline!
Me: Short Line!

How we got Short Line from a list that included "Sunny" and "Shoeshine" I'm not really sure, but it has something to do with us being A) awesome, B) brilliant, and Secret Option C) trivia masters.

Also, attending the paralyzingly lame and horribly irritating trivia at Pluckers made us appreciate how awesome Duffy and the Tavern are. Going back to Pluckers was like revisiting that horrible relationship that ended two years ago. You know the one, where all you remember is the fun parts but when you get back into it you start to remember that the relationship pretty much sucked because even though your waiter was bad ass, the rest of it was annoying and obnoxious and the rest of the people there sucked. Ok so the analogy kind of falls apart if you get too specific. Whatever.

Anyway - we're officially back to regularly dominating at the Tavern on Wednesday nights. If you're awesome, fun, and think yourself a worthy adversary then you too should come "prove your brain is as big as your liver" and maybe take home a giant tricked-out trophy. Tavern. Duffy says 7:30 but really it's 8:00. Or like 8:10. Be there!

How has this happened?! I caught "Chopped" on the Food Network on Tuesday night, and WTF??? Ted Allen, my favorite sort-of-judge from "Top Chef", is now hosting this debacle that is not only a terrible idea but the least exciting cooking show ever. Apparently the premise is that four chefs are supposed to cook a three-course meal but the twist is that they have to incorporate ingredients (four, I think) from a Mystery Box for each course. I totally remember that challenge from Season Two of "Top Chef"! Elia's "lovely American cheese product", aw. But "Top Chef" this is not. With four contenders and only sixty minutes you don't even get the chance to give a rat's ass about any of these people. Then they boringly-yet-overdramatically present their dishes to the pompous chef/restaurant-owner panel, who apparently have a clause in their contracts that never allow them to give a positive remark about anything with the chefs in the room. This show is such a downer! WHY am I watching it?! Anyway, so the chefs are offed (or "Chopped", get it?) one by one and ultimately one...wins? Meh. Even Dale, who has rather indiscriminate taste when it comes to TV, said "I don't know if 'Chopped' is gonna make it, this is pretty bad!" And he's right. I just hate to see Ted Allen going down with it. It's not his fault that someone makes him robotically declare "YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!" to each ousted contender, although I do kind of blame him for this weird kind of bouncy delivery of every line that he's developed since his blaze of awesome on "Top Chef". Boo.
Dear Food Network,
Please don't kill Ted Allen's career. Kthx.
- Mere.

I was uncharacteristically watching local news this morning and what to my wandering eye should appear but the delightful "headline" that the DTV switch has been pushed back from next week until June to "give people more time" to prepare. WTF?! Because I'm pretty sure they've been scrolling that message with the switch date and the number to call across the bottom of my TV for almost a year now. So the DTV groundhog saw its shadow and now we're in for four more months of stupid commercials, scroll bars, and obnoxious advertising for a switch that's probably not going to affect that many people. Oh and it's because "some people" didn't get the memo. Darwin says that those people should lose their TV signal 'til they get their stuff together.

Yeah I'm a GENIUS. You know how I spend all that time whining and bitching about stupid people? It's because sometimes I is one. So this morning I got up, played with the dog, and went to the gym in time for Abel's crazy ass-kicking boot camp class. About halfway through I was dying and when we went to put our hand weights down I sneaked over to my water bottle and took a couple of gulps. MISTAKE!! Apparently when I washed my bottle yesterday I didn't get all the soap out and I'm not kidding, it wasn't just a little soapy it was REALLY freakin soapy! So now I'm doing all this cardio and actively trying not to puke all over the gym. I actually had to leave class and go get some non-poisoned water and sit down for a minute because I thought I might die. It was awesome. Wait, what's the exact opposite of awesome? It was Republican.

Dear Life,

Please ban the following things from my presence until further notice:

- My fickle internet connection
- People under the age of 20 and over the age of 60*
- Sentences that begin with the word "Question"
- People who use sentences that begin with the word "Question"
- Scales (bathroom and fish)
- Mystery illnesses
- Stuff that's dumb and doesn't make any sense
- Commercials for gyms that remind me that I haven't worked out in weeks
- Dog toys full of fluffy stuff
- Family Guy
- My upstairs neighbor and her pet elephant/camel/giant horse

This list is not all-inclusive and is subject to change at any time without notice.

K Thx,
Mere

* Exceptions apply.