SHUT UPPP

Last night I had some very important TV watching to do, in the form of two hours of The Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other plans so every time the show went to commercial they'd pull this "extended commercial break" thing where the meteorologist guy would come on the screen with all his glowey monitors and gadgets and talk for endless minutes about this one skinny green and red line slashing through Central Texas. Like "Hey guys, it's gonna rain, and there's a lot of wind. Here it is, it's moving east, and let me just tell you again: it's gonna rain. There's a lot of wind. Please seek shelter immediately if you are outdoors (Really? I'm sorry, if you stay outdoors when the wind and rain pick up you deserve what's coming to you!) and let me show you again: this front is moving in to the Austin area, we're expecting very heavy rains and strong winds. It's moving east, seek shelter and stay away from outside walls and move to the first floor of your home, we are expecting very strong winds out of this front that is moving east..." I'm not freaking kidding you. This was ridiculous! And they pull this every time we have some kind of bad storm, they act like nobody knows what to do. I'm sorry, I have one word for people who stay outside in weather like that: Darwin. And really, now I know why everybody threw milk shakes at Nicolas Cage in The Weatherman. We fracking get it! You don't have to say it 20 times and interrupt our shows at every commercial break. Ugh, I hate you.

ALSO: Apparently, I'm funny (who knew?!) and I've been admitted to Humor Bloggers, a kind of community/blog directory for people who blog funny. Anyway, it would be awesome if y'all would stop by and rate my site. You can click "Rate 'Shut Uppp'" on the Shiny Stuff link list to the left or I'll make it easy for you and you can just click here. It improves your karma! Thanks everybody. I LOVE YOU! I really do.

IDK if anybody reads John Kelso's grumpy, hilarious, and accurate rants in the Statesman or at www.statesman.com, BUT he wrote some pretty insightful awesomeness yesterday and I couldn't help but pass it on. Fair warning: those who are still in shock and/or on a murderous rampage as a result of the Big 12 South standings should maybe chill a while before reading. Anyway, I give you: BCS declares Motel 6 top U.S. hotel, names McCain Time's Man of the Year.

So here's the new game I'm going to play at work. I figure it's because of the economy ("The Economy" is what people blame the batshit crazies for now instead of "El Nino") but work's been exceptionally slow and full of crazy people lately, and I'm thinking that steadily sipping Malibu & Dr. Pepper during the day will greatly improve my outlook and probably productivity. Keep in mind that these are actual examples of things that have happened to me or a coworker on the job. So here you go:

1 DRINK:
- Bride proudly flashes her obviously fake "diamond" while talking about how much it cost. (Jan would've said "She's got herself a big ol' CZ!" while I laughed hysterically.)
- Somebody calls to get directions and when I ask them where they are right now they get annoyed and say "I DON'T KNOW!" Well then how do you suggest I direct you? Crazy person.
- Someone comes to pick up merch that's still in a box or is nowhere to be found.
- Someone calls to see if we have a certain dress in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Someone swears up and down that they're a size 4... "I'm a 4, I'm a 4, I'm a 4." ...and half an hour later she's barely squeezing into a 10. No vanity sizing here, crazies! Also drink one for each size she had to skip through on her way to the one that actually fit AND chug if she's got the guts to say "Y'alls' sizes are wrong!" Yup, you're right, it's the dress' fault.
- 1 drink for every instance of irresponsible parenting you see in the store. Keep these drinks small, there's a lot of them.
- Someone that has never called the store or spoken to anyone there swears up and down that she has an appointment on a busy Saturday.
- Crazy person who ordered a dress in Houston acts surprised that we don't have it when she comes to the Austin store to pick it up. "I told them I'm from Austin they should have known to send it here." "Ma'am, that's not how it works, I'm sorry." Bonus drinks if she bitches about the cost of shipping it from Houston.
- Someone wants us to hold a dress for her until she gets paid...in a week and a half.
- Somebody utters the phrase "The alterations cost as much as the dress." Keep in mind, I hear this all the time but it's not always being said angrily. Luckily, most people understand that good alterations are expensive and they got a great deal on their dress in the first place.

5 DRINKS:
- Someone calls to see if we have five different dresses in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Crazy person comes in to pick up the dress she ordered annnnnd it doesn't zip. (Jan would've said "She ate her way out of the dress, is what happened!" Ah, how I miss Jan!)
- Someone wanders in the week of their wedding and needs a whole mess of alterations done to make her dress fit but then whines about how much it costs.
- Somebody asks if they can return their dress if it still has the tags and hasn't been worn. Bonus 5 drinks if they tell you nobody told them about the all-sales-final policy (We make them sign their receipt where it states ALL SALES ARE FINAL and ALTERATIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR AN ADDITIONAL COST). Extra bonus chug if it's the lady that yelled at me "WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE A SIGN THAT SAYS THAT SOMEWHERE IN YOUR STORE!" ("Ma'am, we do have them, they are at every cash register." - CHUGGGG!)
- Crazy person calls to make an appointment and says "I'm going to be in a hurry so can you pull these twelve dresses in a size 4 and have them in my fitting room when I get there?"
- An employee has to dye shoes ASAP because a) We screwed it up the first time, b) The bride/bridesmaid forgot or didn't know that our shoes come in white and have to be dyed any other color, or c) Somebody waited 'til the last minute to pick out her shoes.
- Chick who's getting married THIS WEEK comes in, finds a dress that fits her really well and is within her price range, and then says "I'll think about it and come back later." WHAAAAT?! I'm gonna sell that while you're gone just to piss you off.
- Somebody leaves a baby carrier with a baby in it unattended in the middle of the store. Because I'm a baby-sitter, duh!

CHUG:
- Someone calls and wants me to tell them the style number of every dress we have in the store in Victorian Lilac in a size 14. Bonus points if she has the balls to tell you "I have a really busy day so I only want to come in there if it's going to be worth it."
- Someone says they're going to call the BBB and complain about us. Um, a) get in line and b) get a new threat, do you honestly think we haven't heard that before? How about you're going to call my mom? Or, IDK, the governor?
- Kid pees in a fitting room.
- Bride selects the dress, and also decides to get the bra, petticoat, shoes, headpieces, etc. etc. etc. and then gets up to the register, watches us ring it all up, and then says "Oh well I can't pay for it today."

This list is subject to change