SHUT UPPP

WTF, how has so much time gone by without an update?? That's hardly like me at all. I definitely didn't run out of stuff to say (or complain about), I just stopped pretty much everything in my life, but after a pretty sweet and amazing weekend I'm back and better than ever. Which, blog-wise, might have never been very good but whatevah, you're reading this aren't you? Anyway.

So, lucky you, today you're getting another gym blog!! Really, I would just like to comment on kickboxing etiquette. Kickboxing classes a) are always really full, b) are difficult if you're out of shape or not coordinated, and c) involve a lot of horizontal movement and (duh) kicking, which makes them d) a little bit dangerous. Here's what NOT to do:

- Come in 20 minutes late.
- Stand in the very small space between me and the girl to my right.
- Kick me.

All three of those things will make me wish you would go away forever, and one super genius managed to achieve all three in about five minutes' time today. Luckily I didn't get kicked hard, but I was like "WTF?" and she just giggled and acted like she wasn't sure exactly what happened. To be fair, she might not have been. Plus that class is always weird and hilarious anyway because the instructor is just like this teeny tiny little ball of crazy that is so cute you could puke and she turns the music up WAY loud and gets really into encouraging everybody and her voice goes from about an octave above normal to just high pitched squealing and yapping and "WOOOO!!!!!" It kind of sounds like someone dumped a bucket of catnip and jingle balls into a room full of cats.

So anyway - really it's just etiquette on life in general: don't kick me. It's pretty bottom-line, I think.

I talked Griff into going to get our asses kicked this morning in a boot camp class. Fun! Wait, what's the opposite of fun? Anyway - We're standing around before class talking about some weird crap that happened last night (I'm sure that'll pop up on the blog soon) and suddenly Griff shoots me a Look. I glanced around and then I figured out what it meant: 1987 called, they want their music video wardrobe back. SERIOUSLY. Do you remember Jazzercise? How about Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa's music video from Saved By The Bell? This lady's outfit would have made any of them jealous. I don't know if words will convey the awesome. She had on turquoise bicycle shorts under a purple and blue leotard (LEOTARD!) with bright orange socks and white tennis shoes. Amazing! Where do you even get turquoise bike shorts and leotards anymore? I've got to hand it to her though, my ass would not look good in the outfit she was rockin. Then she velcro-ed on some of those ankle weight thingies to each leg, but apparently the strain was too much because she only did about half of the stuff the class was doing. Here's a tip: Take off the ankle weights. Now go change your clothes.

Have I mentioned yet that Griff and I re-joined the gym? We tricked them into giving us a family plan so it was pretty economical and we've been committed to actually going several times a week. Our favorite class is kickboxing on Thursday with Abel who will kick your ass and not be sorry, but we've gotten brave and ventured into some others. Yoga, spinning, dance. Yeah you read that right: our North Austin gym that caters mostly to middle class, middle aged, white people has a dance class on Saturday mornings. It was Griff's idea to drop by last week and as we stood there in the back with the adorable little instructor giving us the overview ("We're gonna start with the routine that our dance team does for the Austin Toros and if it's your first time don't worry you might feel a little lost but you'll pick up the choreography and then we'll move into a couple of other routines that are a little bit easier!") Griff turned to me and said "NONE OF THIS GOES IN YOUR BLOG!"

Sorry! I waited as long as I could, but this has to be said. White people in large groups = generally not the best dancers. I'm not really sure how to convey the visual, it was like trying to teach circus tricks to retarded alley cats. People were spinning the wrong way, tripping over their feet, at one point I just kind of made something up, the instructor and the two girls from the dance team were doing their thing up front and everybody else was just kind of...out of control, Griff and I were laughing (at ourselves as much as other people) and maybe only one or two of the people in that room actually had any rhythm at all. And all of this with Jennifer Lopez blasting over the speakers. Best class ever.

So one of my favorite girls (Katie from Your Daily Dose of Awesome) recently posted a blog on yoga etiquette. I found this completely brilliant because now that every gym has yoga classes, tons of insensitive people are now regularly "doing yoga", although ask 80% of them why and they'll never mention the awesome emotional and spiritual benefits that actually practicing yoga will bring you. Since rejoining el Globo Gym Amanda and I have dropped in to a bunch of different classes, determined to get our money's worth (Ask me about our Saturday dance class! Hilarious.) and last night we went to a pretty freakin awesome yoga session. Of course, a great yoga class must be balanced with a huge amount of idiocy. So tonight we're in the middle of some floor poses a full thirty minutes into the one hour class and the door opens. WTF? Sure enough, this girl walks in pretty much in street clothes and kind of mills around by the door, stepping loudly until pretty much everyone in the room is looking at her, at which point her mom? Friend? Or someone waves at her from the middle of the front row. Really?? So Giggly Annoying Girl (heretofore known as "GAG") giggles and rushes to the prop wall, grabs a mat, runs to the middle of the room and plops the mat down between her mom and her neighbor, and then giggles some more. Really?? You suck! So whatever, everybody seems to recover from the distraction and eventually we're all back on track. UNTIL: Inversions!! One of my fave things to do (Thanks to a good friend of mine who is the most awesome yoga teacher I've EVER had!) and something I really want to get better at. Anyway, the instructor demonstrates how to do a shoulder stand, then moves on to how to do a headstand, stressing that you should only do this if you feel comfortable. So the instructor's in a headstand and she can see GAG from where she is and GAG is prepping for a headstand and this is what happened:
INSTRUCTOR: Ok, I'm really worried about this student (meaning GAG).
GAG: No response.
INSTRUCTOR: I don't think you're quite ready for this. I mean - I'm not trying to be mean or anything at all but I don't think you're ready.
GAG: No response, and now is trying to figure out how to position herself so she won't break her neck but she's totally about to break her neck.
INSTRUCTOR: I really really strongly advise against you doing this one, please don't try it, I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to look out for you.
GAG: Still no response, ignores Instructor, has to have the biggest headache by now because she's pretty much repeatedly slamming her head on the floor trying to kick up into a headstand gymnastics-style.
INSTRUCTOR: (Now appealing to GAG's mom/whatever) I don't want her to do this, I'm not trying to be mean but I don't think she's ready. I'm not saying this to hurt her feelings. She's just not ready for this one.
GAG'S MOM: (Looks at GAG, looks back at Instructor, finally kind of taps GAG and GAG kind of rolls her eyes and just sits there huffily)

Yeah, that just happened. I couldn't freaking believe that! It might be a class at a gym that YOU pay for but the poor instructor was just trying to keep this girl safe! Good Lord. AND the class was totally disrupted again because we were all a little distracted and worried about this chick who seemed determined to F her own stuff up. People, freakin please.

Yeah I'm a GENIUS. You know how I spend all that time whining and bitching about stupid people? It's because sometimes I is one. So this morning I got up, played with the dog, and went to the gym in time for Abel's crazy ass-kicking boot camp class. About halfway through I was dying and when we went to put our hand weights down I sneaked over to my water bottle and took a couple of gulps. MISTAKE!! Apparently when I washed my bottle yesterday I didn't get all the soap out and I'm not kidding, it wasn't just a little soapy it was REALLY freakin soapy! So now I'm doing all this cardio and actively trying not to puke all over the gym. I actually had to leave class and go get some non-poisoned water and sit down for a minute because I thought I might die. It was awesome. Wait, what's the exact opposite of awesome? It was Republican.