Valentine's Break Up Letter

9:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

Dear Bridal Shop,
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I did suffer some writer's block while trying to come up with it. I don't know how to say this but...we've been together for two long, long years, and, well, I think we should see other people. I can't tell you what the past 24 months have meant to me, I've learned so much: what never to say to a bride, how to ignore it when bridesmaids are bitchy to you, the mechanics and processes of special order placement and fulfillment, serious conflict resolution, how to dodge shoes, wallets, lipstick, and other projectiles that are sometimes thrown at your head, how to delicately tell a woman that she needs a size fourteen and not the size eight that she's trying to squeeze her way in to, how to dye shoes, what petticoat goes with what shape of dress, and, our ultimate dealbreaker, that I absolutely do not ever, ever, ever want to work in retail or sales, ever again.
You're going to be fine, you are going to go on to outfit thousands of crazy-ass brides, bridesmaids, and flower girls and you will have so many more customer service representatives patrolling the front of the store, you won't even think of me after a few weeks. Maybe one day, far down the road, we'll meet again. Maybe I'll need a bridesmaid's dress or a gown for some formal occasion. But for now, I think it's best that we don't see each other for some time. I will always, always have a soft spot in my heart for you. Whenever I'm at the nail salon and I see a girl with one hand under the dryer and one hand on her blackberry, viciously spitting obscenities at her wedding planner, I will think of you. When I'm in a bar and a loud crowd of tanned, fluffy-haired bridesmaids escort a young lady in to celebrate her last days as an unmarried woman/get her crosseyed-drunk so she'll stop yelling at them about how awful they are being about "her day", I will think of you. Next time I'm at the lake/beach/park/etc. at sunset and I see a wedding where an oblivious and blissfully happy bride is surrounded by angry and exhausted bridesmaids, a terrified groom, and a stressed out mother, I will fondly remember all of the time we spent together.
Thank you so much for all of the memories. I will truly cherish this time and will fondly look back and remember you while I'm spending my Saturdays with my family and friends instead of wearing uncomfortable high heels and getting my face screamed at. I probably won't drink as much, and my blog might get less funny (OK those things will never happen). But it's not you, it's me, we've drifted apart and now I feel like it's just time to move on. This just wasn't meant to be. Take care, Bridal Shop, and remember: I might not always love you, but you were the biggest piece of crap job I've ever had.

With Love,


Rich said...

Yay Freedom! Have you actually left or is this a "write the letter but don't send it" kind of thing?