SHUT UPPP

While I love and appreciate ALL birthday cards and received some very creative and adorable ones this year, Katie found a way to win over my The Office-loving heart for all eternity. I give you: Flippin' Sweet Birthday Card!!



THANK YOU to everyone who made my birthday so awesomely special - my friends and family are the best ever and I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have every one of you in my life. Also, here is what I came home to after dinner and drinks on Saturday/early early Sunday morning:



Seriously - that was awesome. How cool is my family?! My mom and dad sneaked over here while we were gone and decorated. And yes, that is chimpanzee wrapping paper on my front door. :-) I LOVE YOU ALL so much! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! XOXO

As evidenced by the Christmas Countdown that's been on my page since, like, September, I effing love Christmas. Pretty much everything about Christmas: the decorations, the crazy people, the shameless advertising, the SALES, and the music. And let me tell you, I get more than my fair share of Christmas music: the radio station we're forced to listen to at work is one of those "Adult Contemporary" stations that play a lot of Celine Dion, John Mayer, and Colbie Caillat every day BUT about a week ago they switched over to 24/7 Christmas music until the 26 (that would be the 26th of NEXT month for those who are confused). Overkill? Um, yes, even for me. And there are a few songs that make me want to do things that are very, very un-Christmasy. Here is my list of Christmas songs that definitely, definitely need to go away. In no particular order:

Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg
Why I hate it: It's a whiny, rambling ballad that gets nothing at all accomplished and just makes me feel sad and annoyed when I could be rockin out to some Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Also there's drinking and driving, which is irresponsible.

The River by At Least 500 Different People
Why I hate it: See above. What's with the whiny Christmas music? BAH, I get that not everybody loves the holidays but can you please stop pissing on everybody else's parade? Although it *does* get cool points for referencing some naughty lovin'. Just saying!

Santa Baby also by 500 people...
Why I hate it: It's creepy!!!! Not only is it being sung from the point of view of a total gold digger, she's also a gold digger with an eye for old, overweight men. Ew! OMG she could be Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County! Something to think about...

That Damn Hippo Song whatever
Why I hate it: The stupid voice, for one, makes me want to jam a pencil in my own ears. Plus it's a stupid song. What would you actually do with a hippopotamus for Christmas? How are you planning to feed it? Where will it sleep? Are you going to take it for walks? What if it becomes aggressive? Hippos are responsible for more deaths in Africa than crocodiles, you know (...Ben...). Are you going to be a responsible hippo owner? Judging from your stupid-sounding voice, I am skeptical. Also that song gets stuck in my head and I HATE that.

The Christmas Shoes I just realized that all of these are sung by dozens of people
Why I hate it: THIS IS THE WORST SONG EVER. DALE AND I HAVE TOTALLY BONDED OVER OUR MUTUAL HATRED OF HOW TERRIBLE THIS SONG IS. HE HATES IT BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PULLING ON YOUR HEART STRINGS, I HATE IT BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MAKING MONEY AND TRYING TO BE THAT CHRISTMAS SONG THAT EVERYONE LOVES. THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO SUCKER PUNCH AN OLD PERSON.

So there are others, but that's my list for now. Happy holidays!

So here's the new game I'm going to play at work. I figure it's because of the economy ("The Economy" is what people blame the batshit crazies for now instead of "El Nino") but work's been exceptionally slow and full of crazy people lately, and I'm thinking that steadily sipping Malibu & Dr. Pepper during the day will greatly improve my outlook and probably productivity. Keep in mind that these are actual examples of things that have happened to me or a coworker on the job. So here you go:

1 DRINK:
- Bride proudly flashes her obviously fake "diamond" while talking about how much it cost. (Jan would've said "She's got herself a big ol' CZ!" while I laughed hysterically.)
- Somebody calls to get directions and when I ask them where they are right now they get annoyed and say "I DON'T KNOW!" Well then how do you suggest I direct you? Crazy person.
- Someone comes to pick up merch that's still in a box or is nowhere to be found.
- Someone calls to see if we have a certain dress in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Someone swears up and down that they're a size 4... "I'm a 4, I'm a 4, I'm a 4." ...and half an hour later she's barely squeezing into a 10. No vanity sizing here, crazies! Also drink one for each size she had to skip through on her way to the one that actually fit AND chug if she's got the guts to say "Y'alls' sizes are wrong!" Yup, you're right, it's the dress' fault.
- 1 drink for every instance of irresponsible parenting you see in the store. Keep these drinks small, there's a lot of them.
- Someone that has never called the store or spoken to anyone there swears up and down that she has an appointment on a busy Saturday.
- Crazy person who ordered a dress in Houston acts surprised that we don't have it when she comes to the Austin store to pick it up. "I told them I'm from Austin they should have known to send it here." "Ma'am, that's not how it works, I'm sorry." Bonus drinks if she bitches about the cost of shipping it from Houston.
- Someone wants us to hold a dress for her until she gets paid...in a week and a half.
- Somebody utters the phrase "The alterations cost as much as the dress." Keep in mind, I hear this all the time but it's not always being said angrily. Luckily, most people understand that good alterations are expensive and they got a great deal on their dress in the first place.

5 DRINKS:
- Someone calls to see if we have five different dresses in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Crazy person comes in to pick up the dress she ordered annnnnd it doesn't zip. (Jan would've said "She ate her way out of the dress, is what happened!" Ah, how I miss Jan!)
- Someone wanders in the week of their wedding and needs a whole mess of alterations done to make her dress fit but then whines about how much it costs.
- Somebody asks if they can return their dress if it still has the tags and hasn't been worn. Bonus 5 drinks if they tell you nobody told them about the all-sales-final policy (We make them sign their receipt where it states ALL SALES ARE FINAL and ALTERATIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR AN ADDITIONAL COST). Extra bonus chug if it's the lady that yelled at me "WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE A SIGN THAT SAYS THAT SOMEWHERE IN YOUR STORE!" ("Ma'am, we do have them, they are at every cash register." - CHUGGGG!)
- Crazy person calls to make an appointment and says "I'm going to be in a hurry so can you pull these twelve dresses in a size 4 and have them in my fitting room when I get there?"
- An employee has to dye shoes ASAP because a) We screwed it up the first time, b) The bride/bridesmaid forgot or didn't know that our shoes come in white and have to be dyed any other color, or c) Somebody waited 'til the last minute to pick out her shoes.
- Chick who's getting married THIS WEEK comes in, finds a dress that fits her really well and is within her price range, and then says "I'll think about it and come back later." WHAAAAT?! I'm gonna sell that while you're gone just to piss you off.
- Somebody leaves a baby carrier with a baby in it unattended in the middle of the store. Because I'm a baby-sitter, duh!

CHUG:
- Someone calls and wants me to tell them the style number of every dress we have in the store in Victorian Lilac in a size 14. Bonus points if she has the balls to tell you "I have a really busy day so I only want to come in there if it's going to be worth it."
- Someone says they're going to call the BBB and complain about us. Um, a) get in line and b) get a new threat, do you honestly think we haven't heard that before? How about you're going to call my mom? Or, IDK, the governor?
- Kid pees in a fitting room.
- Bride selects the dress, and also decides to get the bra, petticoat, shoes, headpieces, etc. etc. etc. and then gets up to the register, watches us ring it all up, and then says "Oh well I can't pay for it today."

This list is subject to change

Want to know how to really annoy me? Like really bad? And instantly irritate me to the point that I not only don't feel like helping you but am also already building an irrational grudge against you that will make your life suck later? Insert the word "Question" before a question. Now, I get that it's hilarious when Dwight Schrute does it. Dwight gets away with a lot. In my daily life, however, SHUT UP. Know what? I'll get that you're asking me a question after you've ASKED ME THE QUESTION. Telling me in advance that you're planning to ask me a question doesn't excite me, doesn't make me pay more attention to what you're about to say, and doesn't make you less annoying. It does, in fact, have the opposite effect of all of those things. And it wastes time, and you know how much I love to do that on my own (I don't need your help!). PLUS it's gotten to where the word "question" bothers me and I'm going to add it to my Banned Words list (the verbal equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard) with words like "turd" and "juxtaposition".

So don't piss me off. If you're gonna ask me a question just ASK the flippin QUESTION, k? Thanks. Gah.

Nooooo!!! My car is BROKEN! This is so the no-buenoest of no bueno. First of all, thanks to the AWESOME Julie who picked me up and drove me home to get my extra key and then BACK to Burnet and 183 to help me get my car started. IDK for sure what's going on with it - sometimes my key works and sometimes I have to use my spare or my valet key. It's REALLY upsetting b/c it was just in the shop last weekend. :-( Bah!

Found this on Pundit Kitchen and found it particularly touching.



Happy Veterans' Day. LOVE!

...totally my hero this week.