SHUT UPPP

Remember when I said that I came back from vacation with a bunch of new reasons to hate people? Here's Mere's Enemy #389234, I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady. She was on our shore excursion in Progreso, which was a trip to the Uxmal Mayan ruin site. I immediately knew we were gonna have issues when the five of us got on the bus and it was full of old people. Thinking to myself "Y'all know this is a long trip right? Like we're gonna be outside and walking for a good four hours? And this is southern Mexico, so it's, like, really hot?" I sat in the back and tried to give the blue hairs the benefit of the doubt. Ok, maybe "blue hairs" is unfair; that term is generally reserved (by my dad) for the early bird crowd at Luby's, but these people were definitely eligible for the senior special at most buffet lines.
Anyway, we arrive at Uxmal and begin our tour with Gabriel, who is living my dream and being a tour guide at an archaeological site in Mexico (definitely on my list of top 5 most awesome jobs ever). He tells us from the beginning that we will have about an hour long guided tour and then at least two hours of free time to explore, ask questions, visit the shops and restaurants outside the park, etc. Ok, sounds good. First stop on the tour: the Magician's Pyramid (awesome!). I'll even illustrate it for you:

Awesome, right? Like, you totally want to know all about this thing, right? Especially if you paid for the tour and then rode a bus for 2 hours to get there? Well apparently some of these people were less interested in the super sweet ancient pyramid and more interested in the iguanas that were climbing on it. I wish I were kidding. It's the Yucatan, there are iguanas literally everywhere, they are ridiculously no big deal, but to these four-year-old old people they were more fascinating than the giant chunk of awesome architecture they were climbing around on. About four times during Gabriel's first five minute talk he was interrupted by people saying "There's an iguana! Do you see the iguana? It's climbing right there! There's another iguana! It's climbing down the steps! Iguana, iguana, iguana!" I hate you so much.
Then I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady wanders off to take a picture of the iguanas. While this guy's still talking! Whatever. Gabriel goes on to talk about some numbered stones visible on the side of the pyramid, how the archaeologists actually had to disassemble part of it last year during a pattern of very heavy rain, etc. so they numbered them so they would know where they go when they had to put them back. Now we're ready to move on to the next place but wait, where's I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady?? Oh here she is, out of breath and drenched and wandering back up to the group, and just as I'm thinking "Damn, I hate that woman!" she goes "Question: What do those numbers on some of the stones mean?" I HATE YOU!
Pretty much my next hour was spent actively hating that woman and one or two others. Every time Gabriel would bring us to something new they would literally flop down on the ground like they'd just sprinted a 5k and then finally at the very last place on the tour I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady finally just wandered away for good, found herself a shady rock, and sat there. That's ri-damn-diculous. I'm pretty sure our tour guide was as disgusted as the five of us were. Uxmal is large but it's nowhere near city-sized, in total we probably walked a half a mile, and it was in the morning so it wasn't even all that hot. Whatever.
Anyway, of course I took a picture of I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady for voodoo doll purposes (not voodoo on her specifically, but on all that she represents). And if it looks like we were planning to drop an anvil on her from this vantage point (we were on top of a pretty huge pyramid)...you're not far from right.

As you may have heard (because I haven't shut up about it) I recently cruised with four of the most awesome people in my life. You may have also heard that large quantities of alcohol were steadily consumed, some by dubious means, by all of us. One of our prouder moments, I have to say, was the effective use of unregulated free alcoholic beverages at the Captain's Cocktail Party. Those things are amazing; you wander in dressed all nice, find a comfy seat, and suddenly dozens of waiters with trays full of drinks and appetizers are swarming the place, randomly handing them to whomever asks for one. Because we've decided we're special, we attended both of the parties (the one for the early dinner seating and the one for our later dinner seating) because there's no sign that says you can't. Now, before you get all up in arms and start screaming at me about how it's people like us who ruin it for the rest of you, taking advantage of freebies and driving up costs for everyone, examine this nugget of truth: You're just mad that you didn't think of it first.

Anyway - this is a story about me screaming at a four year old, not about differing levels of awesome. So I arrived fashionably late to the first of the Captain's parties and I strolled in (BTW: I totally got shamelessly hit on in full view of my husband and my friends while walking to meet them at their table. Score!) and had to play catch up with everybody at the table. Those waiters sure are on top of things at all times because before I knew it I had a glass of wine and at least three whiskey sours sitting in front of me and they just kept coming. Service = good! After they dismissed everyone to dinner (early dinner) we went and wandered around, then showed up again about an hour later for round two. Once again the cocktails kept magically appearing and when you're sitting still it's really hard to judge exactly how strong those drinks are. Yep, whiskey, I blame YOU.

After the appetizers have been served and the "You Know Who You Are" crowd has had just enough alcohol, people tend to magically get up onstage and dance. White people dancing = usually entertaining. This is when it happened. This was a moment that I am not exactly proud of, and I claim no responsibility what so ever because it's clearly the alcohol's fault. But I admit it, I was blinded by...some feeling I'm sure, and it actually happened. I yelled "homewrecker" at a four-year-old.

It all started when the OWPs were dancing, all cute and bouncy and liquored up and then these two little girls from Mexico, probably 3 and 5, got up onstage. Adorable! Katie and Mark (who don't fit in the OWP category, but were definitely liquored up) danced with them for a little bit and it was the cutest thing, and then an even cuter thing happened: a little boy walked over and started dancing with the oldest girl. Immediately, everybody in the auditorium started cheering and clapping because that's just freaking precious. Of course, some people can't stand to see other people happy. From across the stage came pageant girl. Now, I don't know for sure that she does pageants, I'm just saying with the big blonde bouncy curls, the heinous poufy tulle monstrosity she was dressed up in, and the number of people from "rural America" on the boat, it's a safe bet. So right, girl dressed up as a fairy princess cupcake runs over and gets all up in my girl's Kool-Aid, trying to dance with Adorable Boy! WTF?! Nooooo, beeyotch, he's already with somebody! At least wait for the end of the song, jeez. Luckily, Adorable Boy is also Stand By Your Lady Boy so he's having none of it and just keeps dancing with the cute little girl that he was with in the first place. Fairy Cupcake turns and runs back to her stage mom (who is standing right by the stage so you know she's a stage mom), who is waving like mad at her daughter to get back over there and dance with that boy. I'm not kidding! She's actively rearing a future homewrecker so that her daughter will be the cutest one on the ship! Apparently I harbor some very deep unresolved feelings of wrath toward the That Girls of the world who think because they're adorable they have the right to cut in wherever they see something they like, or I had a high school flashback, or I just saw it as a metaphor for a lot of what goes on in the world, but it pissed me right off. And also I have a VERY strong distaste for stage moms, but that's not new.

So yeah, pretty much I felt protective of the happy little scene going on between the first two kids and didn't want Stage Mom and Fairy Cupcake to win, so I yelled "HOMEWRECKER!" at them. We were in the back of the auditorium and the room was pretty loud and there was a band playing and all that, but still. Did I yell "Homewrecker" at a four-year-old? Damn right I did.

Yeah it's still green but...now it's all colorful and stuff. I figured I got new clothes for Christmas so the Awesome Blog should too!

In other news the Cruise Countdown is whittling away and I'm pretty much bouncing off the walls at this point. I can't wait to get outta here and be not at work, not in school, and not available by cell for five days. Ooh and Mexico! And "Western Caribbean" which we all know really means "Gulf of Mexico" but apparently that doesn't sell as many cruises. I finally have a dress and the bottom half of a swimsuit and might go in search of a top tomorrow but there's a topless sundeck on the boat so if worse comes to worse then...you know...meh.