SHUT UPPP

There are a lot of things I really love about our neighborhood grocery store. I'm usually there during the day, so it's mostly empty, the daytime employees are all "adults" and not high schoolers who are annoyed that they are spending the only free five hours of their day at a job where they have to deal with old people like me buying large amounts of wine and tabloid magazines to spend their Friday evenings with (suck on that, teenagers!), they have a lot of local products, and this particular HEB has the nicest freaking people you've ever met in your life (except the high schoolers). My beef with them, though, is the good two dozen or so prime parking spots they've got out front that are designated "CUSTOMER WITH CHILD PARKING". WTF?!

Now, I get that it's really not that big of a deal - I mean, walking an extra thirty yards or whatever isn't going to kill me - but c'mon, HEB, what the heck? Do you need that many parking places for your beloved yuppie-plus-spawn combos? I have zero problem with the pregnant-lady parking outside Babies R Us, or the "parent-with-sick-kid" parking outside the pharmacy. I honestly wouldn't even mind if there were maybe only eight or ten of these "customer with child parking" spots, but after you factor in the handicapped places and the cart return slots which are both completely valid and necessary, there's not a whole lot of room for the rest of us. The reason it bugs me so much, though, is for days like today, when I go to do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day and maybe only half the CWCP spots are taken but most of the parking places just beyond them are taken, because most people who are doing their grocery shopping at that hour don't have children with them. This way, I get to either stalk somebody through a partially-empty parking lot to their non-CWCP place and then wait for them to load up their car so I can take their spot, or I can park at the Starbucks down the shopping center and walk. At least that way I get to have tea.

I've considered just saying "screw it" and parking there anyway, especially if I'm there after 10:00 pm because then at least I can come back with a "Your kid should be at home in bed" response if anybody says anything, but I don't want to have a fight in a parking lot (not after the Little HEB Smackdown of '05, at least). Plus if I got banned from that HEB I'd have to go to the one by my parents' house, which increases the chance of seeing someone I knew in high school (RUN AWAY!) and that's not fun for anybody. This also makes a pretty obvious (and obnoxious) social statement, but that's another post for another day. Maybe next time I'll get brave and just take one of those spots. After all, it says "CUSTOMER WITH CHILD PARKING" but it doesn't say "ONLY."

OMG I suck at checkout lines. I don't get it! Does this happen to everybody? If you ever, ever see me in a store and I've got fewer than ten things in my hands and I'm headed for the checkout line, run the other way or at least make sure you avoid my line at all costs. Last night, Dale needed to pick up one thing, ONE THING, at Wal-Mart. Now, this might be karma because Wal-Mart is the Eevilest, most horrible corporation, but somebody sent D's work a Wal-Mart gift card and so he was using it to help pay for a Wii, which they're using as a prize for their casino night coming up on Thursday at work. It was after 10:00 pm when we got there so we wandered over to the electronics and found what we needed. Capitalism win! Oh but wait, we still have to check out. There was one person in front of us, and of course the cashier (Who definitely had the "Wal-Mart" look and wasn't far from being what some of my friends might consider "not a real person".) can't figure out how to ring up the one item the lady in front of us has. Seriously? EVERY FREAKING TIME! Finally after about seven minutes of futile attempts, the cashier calls for reinforcements and a person with a key comes and helps her ring up the DVD player or whatever it was. Great! Fantastic! Our turn. S...he? I'm pretty sure? She? Maybe "he" but I finally decided I think it was a she. With the super scary meth teeth. Anyway, the cashier rings us up, D goes to use the gift card annnnd...FAIL. Like, the whole machine does something weird, it won't authorize the gift card, and (of course) it's taking forever. I wandered off to look at random stuff (You can buy Space Camp AND WarGames in a two-pack for $7.50 at Wal-Mart! It's how the evil empire sucks you in!) and when I get back they still haven't figured it out. The cashier goes "Sorry, I'm a new cashier, let me call customer service..." and finally another person with a key shows up, fixes it, and we get out of there. But WTF?! Why does Wal-Mart have a new person working in electronics by themselves? And WHYYYY does that crap happen to me every time I have to buy something? Suck it, Universe.

So I was standing in line at Ulta this morning, just trying to buy stupid lip gloss and eyeliner and the inevitable happens: I'm stuck behind a crazy bitch with a coupon. Actually it was an entire coupon magazine like the kind you get in the mail. APPARENTLY, this lady is unable to read, so when the cashier gives her the total, Crazy Bitch tosses down the coupon thingy and says "I want to use this." Ok, no problem, the cashier looks at the coupon and then tells her something about blah blah, certain items are excluded, etc., which I get is frustrating but still, sometimes it's just that way. She even flips the brochure over and shows her where the items are listed that are NOT 20% off. Sure enough, the lady has a big giant Tigi set that she's trying to buy that is not on sale. Instead of taking it like a human being and saying "That sucks, but I understand that it's not your fault," Crazy Bitch flips the f out and gets up in the poor girl's face about it. So the cashier says she'll call a manager, who then comes over and says "Oh, that promotion doesn't even start until Saturday. See here? It says January 24." I scoffed out loud. Like, really really loud, not even caring if the crazy lady buying expensive shampoo and conditioner to go along with her tucked-in tee shirt, tapered ankle-length Mom jeans, and manly hiking shoes heard me. Because she might be nuts but I promise you, I'm crazier. But still nice! Anyway, the adorable mom/daughter team behind me laughed.
Adorable Mom: It never fails, right?
Me: Every single time.
So at this point Crazy B is raging at the manager, and she actually says "EVERY OTHER STORE WILL HONOR THEIR PROMOTIONS EARLY AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME!" at which point I burst out laughing because a) That's not true, b) That's not a nice way to ask, and secret option c) I'm looking for a fight. Unfortunately for my fight, instead of turning around and attempting to clock me she throws this pedicure set at the poor cashier and yells at her "I DON'T WANT THIS AT ALL, AND I WANT MY 20% DISCOUNT ON THIS!" holding up the much-needed shampoo set. Freaking FINE! The manager just glares at her, pulls a 20% coupon out of the drawer, scans it and types in whatever manager code she has, and walks away, very noticeably sharing a Look with the cashier. I can't say I would have done anything differently, having been in very similar situations ("Your ad says $350 off every dress in the store!" "Ma'am, that is impossible, that dress is only $299, I'm not going to pay you $51 for shopping with us, am I?") but I enjoyed the fight. So in the end, the awesome cashier finished the transaction, tossed the bag at the Crazy B and just left her with a "Have a nice day." Aww.

Yeah, people are weird.

FORTY CENTS (that's after tax!) for two pairs of mittens (that's two pairs together, not per pair) and THREE DOLLARS AND TWENTY FIVE CENTS (also after tax) for a bikini bottom. The first deal was found at Target and the second at PacSun. Stuff THAT in your pipe and smoke it! Holla.

I know what this ACTUALLY means but c'mon, Target. BABY SALE? Surely you can produce better verbage than that. Unless you are actually now selling infants and toddlers. Talk about your one-stop shopping. Uh, anyway...this is what I'm doing today.