SHUT UPPP

Dear Blog,

I went to trivia with the biggest assholes tonight. We had one of the most WRONG team names ever and when Duffy announced it as a co-winner we all just kind of sat there, unwilling or unable to admit in public that it was us that came up with it. Then all hell kind of broke loose and everyone started fighting. Camden was pretty sure he knew the answer to a question so I wrote it down and suddenly everyone was screaming. They berated Camden about his answer until his only defense was to sit calmly and whimper "Please don't change it." I've never seen a man so defeated by his friends. For the record, he was right, so suck it. And Mary had a horrible day with the crazies and lost her voice. And the Tavern changed their menu and got rid of corn nuggets and also half the stuff they used to serve, including their 35-cent-wings, what the fuck? Also I quit the team. And then some smart ass had the balls to say "Don't worry, she can't quit anything!" Fuckers. Then we came in third (with 62.5 points, that's pathetic!) for the second week in a row because we're in a brain-rut and the really annoying girl who looks like a giant ten year old goes "I think we've had (the trophy) more than anyone else!" Yeah, bitch, three's a real record. And eventually I was lured back onto the team when they needed to know the name of the Grinch's dog. Those people can be so sneaky. I love them.

Love,
Meredith

Here are some interesting/odd/funny text messages that are in my inbox or outbox these days. Can you tell I'm extremely excited to have something to do today? :-P Come ON, Hurricane Ike! Give me something to talk about! Jeez! Anyway, these are from several sources: Amy, Ben, Andrew, Michelle, Katie, Kate, and of course myself. And maybe some others tossed there too. Anyway. This is why I have unlimited texts.

"Is it a Swingline?"

"I love the big balls! Ga-bounce!"

"Free pjs and thongs all around, aye?"

"Well keep me posted. I'll just be here, crunching up this old shot glass."

"Ah! Allergic to formulaic fun!"

"Zotis and Bones"

"I had a friend tell me she was on Team Karen last night and I practically yelled at her: THEY STILL MAKE YOU?! Team Pam!"

"Happy birthday from Smuckers!"

"Katie is super drunk but so is mark"

"::cut to a picture of a cat eating spaghetti::"

"LOL no, Bazooka, we're eating it there like people who aren't ashamed of their Chili's addiction."

"OMG I figured it out! Republicans are doing a big Punked on the US!"

"Serious Poodler."

"Ewwww like homeless pot dealer smelly?"

"Did you hear that thing in swiss land is going to eat the world?"

"I was just thinking 'Ug birth control is $50?!' Then kid behind me randomly screams at the top of his lungs. Uh, yeah WORTH IT!"

"Um note to self do NOT shake a Starbucks double shot in a can. Contents under pressure."

I don't know if this is listed somewhere in the Bro Code (I'm not a Bro...) but it SHOULD be. From now on, if you receive a blank text message from a friend, that is The Signal that they are trapped in an awkward situation (you and your ex ended up at the same party and your friend/date isn't there yet), horrible conversation (Creepy Guy From Work corners you at the grocery store and won't shut up about the TPS reports), bad date, job interview gone terribly wrong, whatever. The proper etiquette when receiving The Signal is to wait thirty seconds and then call the person with a "huge emergency". The job of the caller is then to listen patiently on the line for further instructions. For example, the person receiving the call could say, concerned, "Oh no! What happened?" It is then the responsibility of the caller to fill in the necessary silence, just to make it all a little more believeable. You could talk about your day or you could offer possible escape routes to your trapped friend. Anyway, the person receiving the call is in control here. If just a minor distraction was necessary and the awkward encounter has been diffused (ie, Creepy Guy From Work wandered off or your ex left the party while you were on the phone) then you can thank your friend and hang up. If it's something more serious, like a bad date that wouldn't end, this is your chance to escape! Politely tell your date that you've had a great time and you're sorry that you have to cut it short but (Fill in excuse here; be creative!) and you have to go rescue them. Hooray for friendship!

The modification to The Signal is The Time Bomb. The Time Bomb is usually texted from a secluded location: the bathroom, outside, wherever, and gives a specific time frame for the callback, ie: COUNT TO 200 AND CALL ME BACK! This is especially helpful if you're in a situation where you can't covertly send the blank text, and will give you time to get back to your table, bar stool, interview, whatever before The Call is placed.

Also I've been watching way too much HIMYM.

So I drove to Belton today to come see my grandma and because we're going to Arlington tomorrow to see my great aunt Pat (it's her 82nd birthday!) and there was some CRAZY FREAKY weather on the way up here! Like, we're talking this massive electric storm with tons of cloud-to-ground white and blue lighting all over the place and thunder that was shaking my car and about halfway through it the rain started coming down in buckets like God decided to water his lawn today and his sprinkler was stuck on the "SUPER HIGH" setting. Really, really kind of scary.

So after actually SEEING lightning hit some stuff, I got a little freaked out: what do you do when lightning hits your car? I remember that it's ok because the rubber tires ground your car so you're safe inside, but wasn't there something else? Like don't turn your car off/on, don't open the door, don't touch the steering wheel, don't sneeze, SOMETHING else?? What was it?! Eek, I don't remember! And, not wanting to get my stuff shocked (I have an uncle who was once struck by lightning. He lived and is supposedly none the worse for wear but I don't want to join that club!) I grabbed my phone which was going in and out of service throughout the whole thing, and texted some of the people I thought might be helpful in such a situation. HERE is what my darling friends wrote back:

ME: What do you do if your car gets hit by lightning?
KATIE: Electric car? :!)
DALE: Don't know. I think panic would be good!
BEN: Die?
BEN: Play the lottery?
BEN: Find Jesus?

You are all absolutely UNHELPFUL!! The only helpful person was Andrew who correctly told me to STAY IN MY CAR if it got lit up. And then eventually (after I got to Belton and was safely inside the house) Dale called to tell me that not only do you stay in the car you also apparently have to open the door and then bunny-hop out of it so that you don't touch the car and the ground at the same time which will apparently shock your stuff. So thanks Andrew for taking care of your friend('s wife, LOL) and also I guess Ben for making sure I didn't get out of my car with an umbrella. Blar.