SHUT UPPP

It's rare that I have two of my arch enemies unite against me in an epic battle of wills, wits, and patience. My enemies are generally also each other's enemies and have very little interest in ganging up on me to cause me grief. This week, though, two of them have decided to work together to be obnoxious and horrible together. The culprits? Freaking FedEx and my apartment complex office.

Let me start by saying that I've been conditioned since birth to loathe FedEx. We're UPS people. We'll die UPS people. So when I ordered the AMAAAAAZING Pampered Chef chopper (highly recommended by Mary!) from Eng's church fund raiser I was a little annoyed to find out that it would arrive via FedEx. Whatever, though, I can handle it. No big deal. And after patiently waiting a couple of weeks I came home last Thursday to a tag clipped outside my door. Yay! My chopper had arrived! The tag said that the package had been left at the apartment office. Ugh. Now we've lived here for more than two years now and I avoid that place like the plague. I purposely pay rent through the drop slot after hours just so I don't have to walk in there and deal with them, they're that bad. They have the kind of leasing staff that make it obvious to you that they have something they'd rather be dealing with instead of whatever problem or question you have for them. They're pretty much the only thing wrong with this complex, though - everything else about it is awesome, so we've decided to hang around until the end of '09. Anyway-

So now in order to get my chopper I have to deal with both of them, and I should have known this would be ridiculous. Sure enough, I wander in to the office to find our manager there all by herself, trying to do about six things at once. I hand her my post card and she comes back with a big flat box. WTF? Not a chopper. No big deal, though, I decided, my chopper will come in later. Except upon further inspection the label clearly reads "USPS" as in "United States Postal Service" as in "NOT FedEx". So Fail #1. I calmly turned back to the manager lady and said "Oh, wait, this isn't it. I need a FedEx box."

Manager: That's your package.
Me: Yes, it's mine, but I should have another one. One that was dropped off from FedEx.
Manager: There wasn't anything else back there.
Me: Still reading the label This one came from the postal service...in April. I should have a FedEx package from Thursday.
Manager: Clearly done with me That's the only one I could find. Maybe they didn't leave it.
FAIL #2

Ok, I suppose that's possible, but WTF? Why would FedEx do that? But I had to get the dog to my parents' house so I took my other flat box, which was an Amazon order that had been missing for almost a month, and got in the car and called the FedEx number and tried to explain my situation.

FedEx Lady: Oooohhhh...that doesn't sound good.
Me: Right, so I need to figure out where this package is.
FedEx Lady: Ok it's showing that it was delivered, let me call the office there and see if I can talk to somebody.
Mere gets stuck on hold
FAIL #3

Let me interrupt this story to tell you all that as annoying as "hold" music is, TOTAL SILENCE is worse. Blar.

After constantly checking to make sure I hadn't been disconnected for five whole minutes, I heard clicking. Oh yay! She either found my package or we're going to figure out what to do next. NOPE.

FAIL #4:
FedEx Recording: In order to help us locate or deliver your package, please leave the following information after the beep: your full name, a daytime phone number where you can be reached during business hours, your full and correct address, the tracking number or tag number associated with your package, directions to your location from the nearest well-known landmark...

At this point I stopped listening. I'm just going to wait, check back at my apt office, figure out whose fault this is, and then chop some heads. Because really, people, it's your JOB, you should suck way less at this.