SHUT UPPP

I had a really beautiful moment yesterday. I've been back and forth about school lately; it seems like ever since I decided to go back the universe has launched every setback it could think of at me just to see if I really want to keep chasing that funny little dream. Financial setbacks, issues with course requirements, going in and out of jobs (ok the same job) because employer(s) told me they would work with my schedule, then didn't, then I needed the money, but then once again they couldn't keep my schedule straight and I'd get scheduled during class, and then last summer's little stunt with gas prices. It's hard to drive 120 miles round-trip five times a week when gas is over $4.00 a gallon. I couldn't even take classes in the spring because of a financial aid error.

I could have stopped, or I could have switched to a closer school, but the department that I'm in is competitive and is actually ranked in the top five in the nation for geography and environmental science and I really love it there. This sucks. But as I'm gearing up for the last big push, knowing that this summer is going to suck as much as the last one, knowing that D totally has my back but needs me to finish soon so I can help pull the weight, I just suddenly felt everything. Is this the right thing to do? What would I be doing instead? What could I have done differently? Is this all worth it? I've laid awake the past few nights, choking on the tightening knot in my throat, knowing that I have to make up my mind soon: yes or no. Go or don't.

I have my answer. Yesterday I had just gotten home from girl-day with Katie and for some reason I logged on to the school's financial aid website, even though they always e-mail when anything gets approved, etc. There was a little alert in my file "You have no incomplete requirements at this time." Thinking that was odd because I hadn't heard from them since they finished reviewing my file, I opened the folder. Sure enough, there was money in there. But way more than I expected, and more than I would want to borrow if we could help it. Scrolling to look at the breakdown, my breath caught: "TEXAS STATE TUITION GRANT". As in "Here, take this money that you don't have to pay back. No, no, it's cool. We're glad you're here and think you're worth it." You're freaking kidding me. For what?? Hopefully, a going away present, because now I have every intention of freaking going down there every single day this summer, kicking school's butt, and being done in August.

But really - in a second everything changed, like the universe, who had been tossing things at me just because it thought that was funny, finally decided that I'd passed the test, I'd stuck with it, and was acknowledging me by sending some help in my direction. I know I'm making the right choices, and I'm trusting myself. Thanks for that, Universe.