Maybe The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

8:54 AM Posted In , , Edit This 2 Comments »
As you may have heard (because I haven't shut up about it) I recently cruised with four of the most awesome people in my life. You may have also heard that large quantities of alcohol were steadily consumed, some by dubious means, by all of us. One of our prouder moments, I have to say, was the effective use of unregulated free alcoholic beverages at the Captain's Cocktail Party. Those things are amazing; you wander in dressed all nice, find a comfy seat, and suddenly dozens of waiters with trays full of drinks and appetizers are swarming the place, randomly handing them to whomever asks for one. Because we've decided we're special, we attended both of the parties (the one for the early dinner seating and the one for our later dinner seating) because there's no sign that says you can't. Now, before you get all up in arms and start screaming at me about how it's people like us who ruin it for the rest of you, taking advantage of freebies and driving up costs for everyone, examine this nugget of truth: You're just mad that you didn't think of it first.

Anyway - this is a story about me screaming at a four year old, not about differing levels of awesome. So I arrived fashionably late to the first of the Captain's parties and I strolled in (BTW: I totally got shamelessly hit on in full view of my husband and my friends while walking to meet them at their table. Score!) and had to play catch up with everybody at the table. Those waiters sure are on top of things at all times because before I knew it I had a glass of wine and at least three whiskey sours sitting in front of me and they just kept coming. Service = good! After they dismissed everyone to dinner (early dinner) we went and wandered around, then showed up again about an hour later for round two. Once again the cocktails kept magically appearing and when you're sitting still it's really hard to judge exactly how strong those drinks are. Yep, whiskey, I blame YOU.

After the appetizers have been served and the "You Know Who You Are" crowd has had just enough alcohol, people tend to magically get up onstage and dance. White people dancing = usually entertaining. This is when it happened. This was a moment that I am not exactly proud of, and I claim no responsibility what so ever because it's clearly the alcohol's fault. But I admit it, I was blinded by...some feeling I'm sure, and it actually happened. I yelled "homewrecker" at a four-year-old.

It all started when the OWPs were dancing, all cute and bouncy and liquored up and then these two little girls from Mexico, probably 3 and 5, got up onstage. Adorable! Katie and Mark (who don't fit in the OWP category, but were definitely liquored up) danced with them for a little bit and it was the cutest thing, and then an even cuter thing happened: a little boy walked over and started dancing with the oldest girl. Immediately, everybody in the auditorium started cheering and clapping because that's just freaking precious. Of course, some people can't stand to see other people happy. From across the stage came pageant girl. Now, I don't know for sure that she does pageants, I'm just saying with the big blonde bouncy curls, the heinous poufy tulle monstrosity she was dressed up in, and the number of people from "rural America" on the boat, it's a safe bet. So right, girl dressed up as a fairy princess cupcake runs over and gets all up in my girl's Kool-Aid, trying to dance with Adorable Boy! WTF?! Nooooo, beeyotch, he's already with somebody! At least wait for the end of the song, jeez. Luckily, Adorable Boy is also Stand By Your Lady Boy so he's having none of it and just keeps dancing with the cute little girl that he was with in the first place. Fairy Cupcake turns and runs back to her stage mom (who is standing right by the stage so you know she's a stage mom), who is waving like mad at her daughter to get back over there and dance with that boy. I'm not kidding! She's actively rearing a future homewrecker so that her daughter will be the cutest one on the ship! Apparently I harbor some very deep unresolved feelings of wrath toward the That Girls of the world who think because they're adorable they have the right to cut in wherever they see something they like, or I had a high school flashback, or I just saw it as a metaphor for a lot of what goes on in the world, but it pissed me right off. And also I have a VERY strong distaste for stage moms, but that's not new.

So yeah, pretty much I felt protective of the happy little scene going on between the first two kids and didn't want Stage Mom and Fairy Cupcake to win, so I yelled "HOMEWRECKER!" at them. We were in the back of the auditorium and the room was pretty loud and there was a band playing and all that, but still. Did I yell "Homewrecker" at a four-year-old? Damn right I did.


Sarah said...

Once, during a tennis lesson, my BFF whipped a tennis ball at the head of a 9-year-old who had the audacity to laugh at her when she missed a serve. It was hilarious.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Honey, you've got that event on the wrong list. I would move it over to of the BEST things you have ever done. I wish I could have seen that.