SHUT UPPP

OMG I suck at checkout lines. I don't get it! Does this happen to everybody? If you ever, ever see me in a store and I've got fewer than ten things in my hands and I'm headed for the checkout line, run the other way or at least make sure you avoid my line at all costs. Last night, Dale needed to pick up one thing, ONE THING, at Wal-Mart. Now, this might be karma because Wal-Mart is the Eevilest, most horrible corporation, but somebody sent D's work a Wal-Mart gift card and so he was using it to help pay for a Wii, which they're using as a prize for their casino night coming up on Thursday at work. It was after 10:00 pm when we got there so we wandered over to the electronics and found what we needed. Capitalism win! Oh but wait, we still have to check out. There was one person in front of us, and of course the cashier (Who definitely had the "Wal-Mart" look and wasn't far from being what some of my friends might consider "not a real person".) can't figure out how to ring up the one item the lady in front of us has. Seriously? EVERY FREAKING TIME! Finally after about seven minutes of futile attempts, the cashier calls for reinforcements and a person with a key comes and helps her ring up the DVD player or whatever it was. Great! Fantastic! Our turn. S...he? I'm pretty sure? She? Maybe "he" but I finally decided I think it was a she. With the super scary meth teeth. Anyway, the cashier rings us up, D goes to use the gift card annnnd...FAIL. Like, the whole machine does something weird, it won't authorize the gift card, and (of course) it's taking forever. I wandered off to look at random stuff (You can buy Space Camp AND WarGames in a two-pack for $7.50 at Wal-Mart! It's how the evil empire sucks you in!) and when I get back they still haven't figured it out. The cashier goes "Sorry, I'm a new cashier, let me call customer service..." and finally another person with a key shows up, fixes it, and we get out of there. But WTF?! Why does Wal-Mart have a new person working in electronics by themselves? And WHYYYY does that crap happen to me every time I have to buy something? Suck it, Universe.

Last Sunday Dale and I wandered over to HEB around 11 in the morning just to pick up a couple of things. When it was time to leave, all of the checkout lanes were understandably full, especially since it was a holiday weekend, so hoping to defy the odds we got into the "20 items or less" (can't type that without wanting to correct it) self-checkout lane. There were three lanes open and all three had people at them so we were next in line. How bad could this be?

OMG OMG OMG. Seriously? So, I don't think any of these people ACTUALLY had fewer than twenty items but that ended up being beside the point, because they're also not at all fit to operate the technology required for self-checkout use. First there was this guy there by himself who had a ton of produce he was trying to ring up. Apparently, he couldn't see the big "PRODUCE" icon there on the screen because he took out his celery (that's what she said?) and was looking for a BARCODE there on the stalks. Ummm...this is not going well. At the next line was more of a classic fail. The lady there had two children who were getting away while she had to take things out of her bags and then replace them, etc. because she couldn't figure out that doing things like touching the bag carousel messes with the scale and will F your stuff up. THEN she takes out her wallet and awesomely begins trying to shove dollars in the dollar slots at the ONE CHECKOUT LINE with a handmade (though still large enough for me to easily see from where I was standing) sign that said: CREDIT CARDS AND CHECKS ONLY - NO CASH BACK. At this point I began giggling gleefully and uncontrollably because it's just so damn funny and also my luck to be behind these jokers.

Maybe the best, though, was the yuppie couple at the third and final checkout lane. I still have no idea what exactly was going on, but at various points they were standing there doing absolutely nothing, then she yelled at him for...something, I don't know, and then they stood there doing nothing some more, then the poor cashier/babysitter came over and tried to help but was kind of chased back to her stand, then the cashier came BACK with a whole thing of coupons but at the same time the wife yelled "JUST HAVE THEM ZERO IT OUT!!" and ran back into the store. What?! It's all so amusing! So by now I'm laughing like an idiot because this is just so funny. I mean, these are exactly the people who used to treat me like crap when I was a cashier at Target in high school and I still see it while I'm waiting in line behind someone - the cashier is so inconsequential to them and it's "not a real job" or whatever and...you know what? It's not so easy, is it, beeyotches? Seriously, between the three of the checkout lines we stood there for a good eight minutes. Not all that bad if you're just in a regular line on a Sunday but to be NEXT IN LINE with three different people standing there utterly confounded and losing it was just hysterical.

Dale has gotten really good at making it look like he's not with me when I make no effort at all to hide when I laugh at the stupid things that total strangers do in public. Poor guy.

OH and for the record the lady with the two runaways and all the cash finally saw the sign, figured it out, and paid with a card. GAH! But at least we got her checkout lane. :-)