SHUT UPPP

OFFICIALLY MOVED!!!

2009-07-13T23:21:00.002-05:00

My blog has officially moved! "Shut Uppp" has been exported to WordPress and is now "Wasted Space!" Please update your bookmarks, RSS Feeds, links, etc. Thanks for an awesome year-and-a-little-bit and I hope to see you all at Wasted Space!! Much love!

http://thiswastedspace.wordpress.com

Heads Up, We're Moving!!

2009-06-30T20:39:00.003-05:00

So I've been slacking like a mofo the last couple of weeks, blog-wise, because I'm buried neck-deep in schoolwork. Seriously - it's not pretty. My brain's in overdrive and the brakes won't be back 'til Aug. 14. Which, in case anyone's curious, is in 45 days. Not that I'm counting or whatever, it's just that I know these things. Because I wrote them in my planner about 100 days ago.

Right, so back to the point - my blog's moving! New name, new URL, etc. There are a few reasons for this move, mostly because I'll be off to the "Real Grown-Up World" soon and in order to keep it REALLY real on the blog I'll need to be slightly more anonymous. I don't want to censor myself EVER but I also really, really would hate to ever write something that reflected poorly on any potential or actual employer.

It's all good, though, not much else will change! Thanks to everybody who has made this spot feel like home, I'm sure we'll be just as cozy over at WordPress which I'm sloooowly learning to use. So if you follow me via RSS, link to me from your blog (you awesome people!) or something fabulously tech-ish like that don't forget to update your bookmarks and links and doodads and all that stuff.

Check out the new digs here: http://www.thiswastedspace.wordpress.com. I'll hopefully have it up and ready soon, but between school and my plans to be fabulously wasted for part of this weekend while celebrating my constitutional right to do exactly that. So 'til further notice hang out here, drop by over there, do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around. That's what it's all about, y'all.

Weird Timing

2009-06-27T20:52:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what's going on with the universe, but it's like it knows that I have this massive flipping Texas history paper to write and it's doing everything it can to get in my way. And every time I sit down to write something the things that come up get progressively more ridiculous. Examples: Texas was in the CWS. CWS went to three games. There was a marching band parade on campus. Sistery's car got broken in to. There was a pool party 20 feet from every single window in my house. I wanted a pina colada. I had, like, three pina coladas and now I'm writing a blog entry. Seriously, life, this is getting silly. I'm expecting the coyote to show up any minute with his "ACME" textbook, which he'll lend to me, which will then explode in my face. It wouldn't be the first time I've been the coyote, that's for sure.

Anyway - I'm a little more than halfway through at this point and hoping to be completely done by Monday (which in Mere years is about Wednesday). It's due at 10:00 am on Thursday so between the random parades of band camp kids and people alternating the Beach Boys and Michael Jackson over the loudspeaker at the pool, I will have to find some way to discuss The Young Adult Experience In Texas, 1947-1967. Oh, em gee. And yes, my eyes just crossed too.

August 14 can't come soon enough! Plus, as I told Kt earlier this week, I miss regular me and am ready to be rid of this bitchy stranger (that would be "school Mere"). Blerg.

New And Improved Dreaded Jack Ass Plate Of Shame

2009-06-22T09:27:00.004-05:00

My awesome, talented cousin Stewart Gray saw my crappy Paint-Brush (Pro!) artwork on that guy's "Jack Ass" plate and sent me this:
It's truly a thing of beauty! :-) From now on all Eevil drivers who need to learn how to drive/behave in public shall receive the Dreaded Jack Ass Plate Of Shame!

Thanks, Stewart, you rock!

Why Your License Plate Says "Jack Ass"

2009-06-19T12:56:00.006-05:00

If you've known me for a while, then you are probably aware that I used to be MUCH more confrontational and much more likely to fly off the handle at any given second with so much as one misstep from another person. Friend, family member, total stranger, it doesn't matter. Through a huge amount of work, I now either let it go or scream silently in my head and then blog about you later on when you annoy me. It takes a lot to push me to the point of hating you in the first twenty seconds that I've known you, is my point.

Enter yesterday's trip to the pharmacy. D and I were on our way home from work and school, respectively, and stopped to pick up a prescription at our Walgreens, which has a two-lane drive through. Now, I don't know if you've heard this before, I've probably blogged about it but I'm waaaay too lazy to go back and find it among the rest of the blather that I've inundated the interwebz with in the last year, but I have the freaking worst luck with lines. If you ever see me standing in a line, don't get behind me. The guy in front of me will inevitably have 6,000 questions, pay in pennies, or confuse the person working there. It never doesn't happen. So when we got to the drive through and there was one car in each lane, D kind of hung back, obviously in line but waiting so that when one of the cars got done he could get into that lane. HOWEVER, some people TOTALLY SUCK and this D-BAG comes driving the wrong way, very clearly sees that we're waiting in line, turns his car around and pulls in front of us behind the car in the outside lane. And if you already know how much I hate line cutters then you probably know what happened next.

I nearly hit the roof. I started screaming at the guy but my window was rolled up, and since I was getting "a little worked up" D just pulled the car into the other lane, hoping the "out of sight, out of mind" approach would work. But no, I was pretty livid. I threatened to throw my iced tea at the guy's car but D reminded me that I would want that eventually, so I didn't. But still - for the second day in a row I will ask you - WHO FREAKING DOES THAT?! That's some crazy-person behavior right there. Clearly, whatever he was doing was more important than obeying the long-established social and cultural norm of waiting in a friggin' line. And then the guy in the other line ended up taking for-freakin-ever because the tech had to update his insurance, so the line jumping d-bag was gone before we even got to the window in the other line, as is the custom. So, of course, I snapped a pic before D calmed me down. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you- Line Jumping D-Bag:

I may or may not have added the vanity plate. Ok I did. But only b/c it's true!

The Agony Of Da-FEET.

2009-06-18T16:03:00.008-05:00

Yeah that's right, for those of you who read the title of this post: I went there. My brain's too overloaded right now to come up w/something that's NOT a cliche. Anyway:

I love San Marcos. I was born there, and I go to school there, and if I had it my way D and I would be moving there tomorrow. I love everything about it - the university, the river, the people, unicycle football, the "Just For Fun" parade (which, bring it back!), Ralph the Swimming Pig (who bit my sister when she was little, BTW), drive-through alcoholic beverages, all of it. I love that you can go to class in a swimsuit and then wander over to the river without walking more than a quarter of a mile. And yes, I'm all for the hippies, which I realized around the age of three, when I was in the Just For Fun parade with my Montessori school and the lady walking with the float behind us was dressed as the Statue of Liberty, her costume completed by her "torch," which was actually a glass of very red wine. Someone else carried the bottle for her. San Marcos kicks so much ass.

However. I get that it's super fun to go to the river before class, and maybe not to shower for a while, and that you're going to the river again after class because your life is more fun than mine, but you absolutely have to leave your shoes on while you're in class. Especially if you're sitting three chairs away from me. I will die and it will be your fault, and I get that you might not mind if that happens but I do. Seriously, who does that? Who finds it appropriate to remove his shoes in the middle of a class, thus allowing the lovely and unmistakable aroma of FOOT to waft around the classroom for your classmates to enjoy? Some people eat in that class! Not me, and definitely not after Foot Guy graced us with his smelly-footed presence for two days in a row (thankfully, he was absent today and we're not meeting tomorrow, but I hope he goes there anyway because HA HA!), but the class starts at noon so a few people bring their lunches. Foodies are always saying how scented candles ruin a meal, I can't imagine how they'd feel if they were eating their pasta salad and suddenly smelled FOOT. Fracking nasty, y'all.

2 Down, 88 To Go!

2009-06-02T00:01:00.007-05:00

Two wonderful years ago today I married my best friend, biggest fan, and love of my life. It was the easiest and best decision I've ever made and I honestly feel so ridiculously, undeservingly blessed that this beautiful man chose to share his life with me! I don't usually get sappy on this blog but I figure it's my blog so what the hell. :-)

We got married in a beautiful, simple celebration at a home on the San Gabriel River in Liberty Hill with everyone we love there to share it with us. It was a perfect day - beautiful weather, smiling faces, more love and joy than I've ever seen or felt in one place before or since, and no major disasters. Not even really any minor disasters. Our dear friend Rachael wrote and performed the ceremony (including one of my favorite poems of all time, see below) and then we moved the party up the hill for barbecue, dancing, and lots and lots of cupcakes. Best. Day. Ever!!

"You are joined together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

You shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

From The Prophet by Khalil Gilbran

Happy anniversary, babe! Love you.

Unnecessary Information

2009-05-26T21:58:00.003-05:00

I have a verrry friendly group of friends. We have our enemies, sure (I'm looking at you, GTYO), but for the most part we're pretty easy to get along with. This includes when we go out as a group. For every three people we piss off, there's usually at least one who thinks we're cool. Sometimes, they even want to be friends. And occasionally, they provide us with WAY too much information.

So today was Mary's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS MARY!) so we went to Trudy's to celebrate, but it turned out to be kind of a rip off because you can't get your free birthday drink on Top Shelf Tuesday. So pretty much every seven-ish years your birthday will fall on a Tuesday, and you will get the shaft from Trudy's. WTF is that all about? At least make that common knowledge so that if you're gonna go get tanked on a birthday that falls on a Tuesday you'll wander into one of the other bajillion awesome places in Austin and drink for free because let's face it, I can pay for a Mexican Martini any night of the year. But we were nice about it because they were nice when our "table for eight" turned in to "we're gonna push these two GIANT tables together because Mary is so awesome that a thousand people want to celebrate her birthday with us!" so whatever.

No, the real WTF moment came when the host seated a girl in the table behind us. She had a margarita and chips and queso, and was just hanging out by herself, talking to the waitress occasionally. It was a pretty big table and she was all alone so I just assumed that she was waiting on people, until suddenly she jumped up with her phone in her hand and walked out of the restaurant. Of course I'm gossipy so I had to point it out to Katie, who then suggested we steal her abandoned margarita. To be fair, none of us were thinking particularly straight at that point because it was the verrry end of Happy Hour, and stealing a stranger's lonely, melting strawberry 'rita and delicious queso didn't sound like a bad idea. Then for reasons totally unrelated, Katie mentioned the odd behavior to our waitress, who replied, and I quote:

"Oh yeah, that's my friend. She'll be back, she got a phone call that said her grandpa was on his way to her house and she realized she'd left her bong on top of the refrigerator."

HUH? I get that we're cool and we should be friends and all that, but this is a lot of information to dispel to a giant table of strangers, three of whom are currently employed as drug and alcohol counselors. Plus on top of your 'fridge seems to be a really weird place to put your bong, but what would I know about it? And would your grandpa even know what a bong was? IDK - it was just a totally random and hilarious and weird thing to say to people. Weirdos.

Skillz

2009-05-23T16:13:00.005-05:00

I might have great hand-to-hand skills and could probably beat you up with my baby finger (ooook, I've had a lot of Red Bull today y'all, and I am entertaining but NOT sane) but there's one thing I don't have that makes me very dangerous: knife skills. That's right - I suck at doing stuff with knives. I suck at chopping stuff, it takes me forever to make a stupid veggie tray or pico (hence the need for a chopper, see below!) and I'm pretty sure that when I was little I sliced my hand open with a butter knife. Me + blades = not a happy fit. So my latest fail came on Thursday night when Dale and I decided to make pizza and watch So You Think You Can Dance, which, YAY!! And what goes better with pizza and SYTYCD than VINO?

I've been spoiled lately by my plethora of bottles with silly/provocative names ("Menage a Tois," "Joe Blow," "Promis-Q-is," etc.) but I've been opening bottles and then never finishing them so I decided I'd get a box (shut up) and just sip off of that so I don't feel obligated to down an entire bottle in less than three days just because I wanted a glass of wine with dinner. The wine gods hate this, apparently, and thus engineered my greatest FAIL of the week. This is where the knife skillz come in. BRILLIANTLY, I decided that I was going to open the box with a knife because - IDK - apparently my nails are too weak to break the perforated lines in the cardboard box, when suddenly I noticed that there was wine dripping from the box. Not through the nozzle, though, through the neat little hole that I'd just cut in the plastic bag. Because duh. You don't open a box containing delicate plastic with a kitchen knife. Everyone knows that. You especially know it if your full time job not that long ago involved opening large shipments of boxes tightly packed with wedding gowns. Blerg.

So damage control ensued, D tried to patch it up with some tape but we didn't have anything stronger than good ol' Scotch tape, so we crossed our fingers and...it worked! I got my glass, watched my (awesome) show, and then when I went back to the kitchen: MORE FAIL! Apparently Scotch tape doesn't work well as a dam, and there was now Franzia "Chillable Red" leaking out of the (disintegrating) bag, across the counter, down the front of the dishwasher, onto the floor, and steadily forging a path from the dishwasher to the oven. Crap! At this point there's nothing to do but drink five liters of wine before the entire bag goes bad. Oh fine, I'm kidding, five liters of marginally ok wine is WAY too much, even for me. No, I somehow ghetto rigged it in the sink to where the corner with the hole was up in the air and it wasn't leaking anymore. Then Friday we took it over to Ben's house (cleverly double-wrapped in a ginormous Ziploc bag and carried in a Corningware dish) and told our friends to have at it. Unfortunately, marginally ok wine is made much worse when unrefrigerated so our valiant attempt to consume the entire remnants of the box was unsuccessful (it's hard to drink that crap when there's good wine plus really good beer around), so among all of TToA we still ended up throwing away a good two liters of boxed wine. Maybe that is the most epic fail of them all.

So the moral of the story is don't give Mere a knife. I suck at knives. But I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

FedUp

2009-05-20T10:05:00.004-05:00

It's rare that I have two of my arch enemies unite against me in an epic battle of wills, wits, and patience. My enemies are generally also each other's enemies and have very little interest in ganging up on me to cause me grief. This week, though, two of them have decided to work together to be obnoxious and horrible together. The culprits? Freaking FedEx and my apartment complex office.

Let me start by saying that I've been conditioned since birth to loathe FedEx. We're UPS people. We'll die UPS people. So when I ordered the AMAAAAAZING Pampered Chef chopper (highly recommended by Mary!) from Eng's church fund raiser I was a little annoyed to find out that it would arrive via FedEx. Whatever, though, I can handle it. No big deal. And after patiently waiting a couple of weeks I came home last Thursday to a tag clipped outside my door. Yay! My chopper had arrived! The tag said that the package had been left at the apartment office. Ugh. Now we've lived here for more than two years now and I avoid that place like the plague. I purposely pay rent through the drop slot after hours just so I don't have to walk in there and deal with them, they're that bad. They have the kind of leasing staff that make it obvious to you that they have something they'd rather be dealing with instead of whatever problem or question you have for them. They're pretty much the only thing wrong with this complex, though - everything else about it is awesome, so we've decided to hang around until the end of '09. Anyway-

So now in order to get my chopper I have to deal with both of them, and I should have known this would be ridiculous. Sure enough, I wander in to the office to find our manager there all by herself, trying to do about six things at once. I hand her my post card and she comes back with a big flat box. WTF? Not a chopper. No big deal, though, I decided, my chopper will come in later. Except upon further inspection the label clearly reads "USPS" as in "United States Postal Service" as in "NOT FedEx". So Fail #1. I calmly turned back to the manager lady and said "Oh, wait, this isn't it. I need a FedEx box."

Manager: That's your package.
Me: Yes, it's mine, but I should have another one. One that was dropped off from FedEx.
Manager: There wasn't anything else back there.
Me: Still reading the label This one came from the postal service...in April. I should have a FedEx package from Thursday.
Manager: Clearly done with me That's the only one I could find. Maybe they didn't leave it.
FAIL #2

Ok, I suppose that's possible, but WTF? Why would FedEx do that? But I had to get the dog to my parents' house so I took my other flat box, which was an Amazon order that had been missing for almost a month, and got in the car and called the FedEx number and tried to explain my situation.

FedEx Lady: Oooohhhh...that doesn't sound good.
Me: Right, so I need to figure out where this package is.
FedEx Lady: Ok it's showing that it was delivered, let me call the office there and see if I can talk to somebody.
Mere gets stuck on hold
FAIL #3

Let me interrupt this story to tell you all that as annoying as "hold" music is, TOTAL SILENCE is worse. Blar.

After constantly checking to make sure I hadn't been disconnected for five whole minutes, I heard clicking. Oh yay! She either found my package or we're going to figure out what to do next. NOPE.

FAIL #4:
FedEx Recording: In order to help us locate or deliver your package, please leave the following information after the beep: your full name, a daytime phone number where you can be reached during business hours, your full and correct address, the tracking number or tag number associated with your package, directions to your location from the nearest well-known landmark...

At this point I stopped listening. I'm just going to wait, check back at my apt office, figure out whose fault this is, and then chop some heads. Because really, people, it's your JOB, you should suck way less at this.

I Guess Matchbox Cars Were Choking Hazards?

2009-05-04T22:50:00.006-05:00

Between the brewery tour and Cinco de Luau last weekend we stopped at Chick-Fil-A for some mid-afternoon beer munchies. Mark got a kid's meal, and the toys they're putting those things this year are...interesting. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do, but Katie picked it up and after studying it for a while said "Hmm, it's got a magnifying glass. For frying ants." WTF? But true!! Upon closer examination, we decided that the toy is kind of a murderer-in-training tool:

It's got the magnifying glass to roast ants on the sidewalk, then tweezers to move the hot little suckers to a secure location without leaving fingerprints or burning your hands, and a shovel with which to bury your evidence. WTF, Chick-Fil-A!? That's not right, not at all.

"Where's The Clicker, 'The Wheel' Is On!"

2009-04-28T18:23:00.001-05:00

Yeah apparently I'm in my 20s but I act like I'm about 85, all "Ted Mosby and the Murtaugh List" style eating dinner at 4:00 pm and chasing kids off my porch and complaining about my bad hip. Ok so that's maybe a little bit of an exaggeration, but we've got this flipping crazy gang of neighbor kids who just run around right outside our front door and patio screaming at the top of their lungs (no words, just a high-pitched and sustained "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" for no reason other than their parents got sick of them doing it inside). Today they were in the breezeway between our front door and the front door of the apt across from us, which happens to be the lair of at least three of the banshees, and they were playing with these little stilts which were kind of awesome but caused frequent falling ("AAAAAHHHH!!!!") and regular smacking into our front door/door handle, which was driving the dog crazy. Finally, I looked at the dog and excitedly asked "Rygel, what was that?!" which automatically sends him into an excited barking fury.

An excited barking fit and an angry barking fit sound the same to kids outside your front door, though, which was what I was counting on, because the second Rygel started barking I heard the "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" from outside the door. Rygel scared 'em but good. The "AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" started in the breezeway, migrated around the corner to the porch, and then faded off into the distance in the direction of the pool. That's right, you noisy whippersnappers, GET OFF MY LAWN!

Reason #134 that D and I are not parents yet: We think our dog is so much cooler than most people's kids.

No, but really, they're super sweet kids and even when they're at their loudest I suck up to them because I'm pretty sure they're starting a small army that is going to revolt with their Nerf darts and cap guns. And, like a real old person, I'm actually afraid of youths. And Rygel's cooler.

Moon Day

2009-04-22T10:59:00.002-05:00

All this Earth Day talk got me to thinking: We have an "Earth Day" and a "Sunday," but we have no "Moon Day." This makes me a little bit sad, as I have always been a nighttime person and the moon and I are great buds. I get that the earth is all big and important and stuff because we live there or whatever but come on!! Up until not that long ago without the moon we couldn't even see after the sun went down, and then we played mind games with the moon in the '60s and '70s by visiting a few times and then deciding it was too far so we'd just put our own space junk in orbit and now we visit that instead. The moon totally wonders what it did wrong. Plus think about all the fun stuff you could do on Moon Day. Drink moonshine, eat moonpies, even moon your friends! That's a great way to meet your neighbors. So friends, family, and haters, I implore you: celebrate Moon Day. I think I'll declare it should fall on the next full moon, which is...yeah I don't know when I don't really pay attention. It's only fair!

Also, when you write while you're high on coffee, the word "moon" becomes incredibly amusing.

What Happened To April?!

2009-04-21T23:55:00.002-05:00

WTF, how has so much time gone by without an update?? That's hardly like me at all. I definitely didn't run out of stuff to say (or complain about), I just stopped pretty much everything in my life, but after a pretty sweet and amazing weekend I'm back and better than ever. Which, blog-wise, might have never been very good but whatevah, you're reading this aren't you? Anyway.

So, lucky you, today you're getting another gym blog!! Really, I would just like to comment on kickboxing etiquette. Kickboxing classes a) are always really full, b) are difficult if you're out of shape or not coordinated, and c) involve a lot of horizontal movement and (duh) kicking, which makes them d) a little bit dangerous. Here's what NOT to do:

- Come in 20 minutes late.
- Stand in the very small space between me and the girl to my right.
- Kick me.

All three of those things will make me wish you would go away forever, and one super genius managed to achieve all three in about five minutes' time today. Luckily I didn't get kicked hard, but I was like "WTF?" and she just giggled and acted like she wasn't sure exactly what happened. To be fair, she might not have been. Plus that class is always weird and hilarious anyway because the instructor is just like this teeny tiny little ball of crazy that is so cute you could puke and she turns the music up WAY loud and gets really into encouraging everybody and her voice goes from about an octave above normal to just high pitched squealing and yapping and "WOOOO!!!!!" It kind of sounds like someone dumped a bucket of catnip and jingle balls into a room full of cats.

So anyway - really it's just etiquette on life in general: don't kick me. It's pretty bottom-line, I think.

Park It

2009-04-03T16:50:00.011-05:00

There are a lot of things I really love about our neighborhood grocery store. I'm usually there during the day, so it's mostly empty, the daytime employees are all "adults" and not high schoolers who are annoyed that they are spending the only free five hours of their day at a job where they have to deal with old people like me buying large amounts of wine and tabloid magazines to spend their Friday evenings with (suck on that, teenagers!), they have a lot of local products, and this particular HEB has the nicest freaking people you've ever met in your life (except the high schoolers). My beef with them, though, is the good two dozen or so prime parking spots they've got out front that are designated "CUSTOMER WITH CHILD PARKING". WTF?!

Now, I get that it's really not that big of a deal - I mean, walking an extra thirty yards or whatever isn't going to kill me - but c'mon, HEB, what the heck? Do you need that many parking places for your beloved yuppie-plus-spawn combos? I have zero problem with the pregnant-lady parking outside Babies R Us, or the "parent-with-sick-kid" parking outside the pharmacy. I honestly wouldn't even mind if there were maybe only eight or ten of these "customer with child parking" spots, but after you factor in the handicapped places and the cart return slots which are both completely valid and necessary, there's not a whole lot of room for the rest of us. The reason it bugs me so much, though, is for days like today, when I go to do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day and maybe only half the CWCP spots are taken but most of the parking places just beyond them are taken, because most people who are doing their grocery shopping at that hour don't have children with them. This way, I get to either stalk somebody through a partially-empty parking lot to their non-CWCP place and then wait for them to load up their car so I can take their spot, or I can park at the Starbucks down the shopping center and walk. At least that way I get to have tea.

I've considered just saying "screw it" and parking there anyway, especially if I'm there after 10:00 pm because then at least I can come back with a "Your kid should be at home in bed" response if anybody says anything, but I don't want to have a fight in a parking lot (not after the Little HEB Smackdown of '05, at least). Plus if I got banned from that HEB I'd have to go to the one by my parents' house, which increases the chance of seeing someone I knew in high school (RUN AWAY!) and that's not fun for anybody. This also makes a pretty obvious (and obnoxious) social statement, but that's another post for another day. Maybe next time I'll get brave and just take one of those spots. After all, it says "CUSTOMER WITH CHILD PARKING" but it doesn't say "ONLY."

A Mile In My (Painful) Shoes

2009-04-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

Reason #2344 Why Bridal Was Not For Me: The Footwear.

Yesterday and this morning I had things going on that required me to dress slightly more nicely than usual. No big deal, but even though it's getting warmer outside I am the whitest Hawaiian person you've ever seen, especially now that Lamy just got back from Key West, so my "business" attire still includes full-length slacks instead of a skirt. I'd sure hate to blind anyone with my white legs. Unfortunately, I'm 5'4" and too lazy/cheap to hem my slacks or have someone else hem them for me, so I have to cheat and wear reasonably tall heels. Now, when I worked at the bridal shop I dressed up every day - skirts, slacks, dresses, heels, all of it - and the only time my feet actually felt like they were going to kill me was at the end of very, very long Saturdays when I'd been literally running in heels for about ten hours. Those were the days when I'd take lunch on my feet (if I got lunch at all) because if I sat down the first fifteen minutes after I stood back up would be agonizing and not at all worth it. So while I don't miss having to add 3+ inches to my height every day, it very rarely bothered me back then (you know, two months ago).

Apparently, my feet are very happy with our new arrangement where we pretty much exist together in a sandals-and-flats kind of world, because they are OUCH. I wore the same pair of surprisingly comfy Aldo wedges for the past two days. These are the shoes that I wore to work more than half the time not that long ago. I didn't even really have to break them in - I just bought them one day and wore them a full day at work the next. They were amazing! But currently, my toes hurt, my arches ache, and my calves have even joined in the protest. WTF?! I guess the lesson here is that quitting that awful job = good for more than just my heart.

I Love Lamp

2009-04-01T23:20:00.000-05:00

We all have decorating items that we like to collect, right? For some people it might be picture frames, for others maybe throw pillows. For me: lamps. I didn't even notice it until the other night at bedtime. I was about to brush my teeth and asked D to leave a lamp on for me. "Which one?" he asked. Hmm.... Sure enough, that's a tough question: there are four in our bedroom.

Keep in mind, we live in a tiny one-bedroom. We do not need four lamps in the whole house, let alone one room. But we've got two red plastic Ikea lamps, one on each nightstand, plus an awesome 6' floor lamp in the corner. That one has shelves so it holds (no, not another lamp) a picture frame and a little vase. So it's kind of a lamp, but really more like a piece of furniture. And then on the dresser is an awesome beaded lamp that my mom found and gave to us. Then D brought to my attention that while we have four lamps in the bedroom, we have eight in the whole house. Totally an unnecessary number. Another two floor lamps, one in the living room and one by the back door, plus another table lamp on top of the bookcase behind the couch and a small blue accent lamp on a china cabinet in the dining room. Mostly from Ikea because the Swedes don't recognize "home accents" as a dangerous addiction.

What does all of this mean, then? It means that our lamp-to-home ration is approximately 1.10 lamps per 100 square feet of our home, give or take a little. D found this hilarious and took the opportunity to laugh at me, but I don't really mind. I can't help it. I love lamp! Warm, glowey, cheerful lamp.

Macaroni And Cheese With Fish Bits

2009-03-31T18:15:00.007-05:00

They say that working with kids is one of the most rewarding jobs out there. What they often forget to include is that those little ankle biters are exhausting. Over the past couple of days I've been exceptionally sleep-deprived thanks to the Big Test, some random late nights (For example, late last night I decided I wanted lemon pudding. We didn't have any in the house so I actually drove to HEB, bought milk and pudding, came home and made my dessert. I'm a fat kid at heart and I'm not even sorry.) and early mornings.

Today was weird anyway. My mom was visiting my grandma so I took over her classes (the perks of having a daughter who works in your district!). After the AWESOME televised morning announcements where we were informed that "macaroni and cheese with fish bits" was on the menu for lunch - I had the distinct honor of witnessing a very, very rough draft of some 4th graders' stage adaptation of a Roman myth. It was a wonderful mix of serious, adorable, silly, and of course WTF. They've got a week to turn their not-a-play into a play ready for the discerning entertainment tastes of second graders. My favorite part was when they were discussing things to add to it one kid said "It's for little kids so it should be funny and we should act crazy and trip randomly." Hey, Nickelodeon, I think there are some nine-year-olds in Central Texas who are on to your programming formula. Also I love that they consider the kids who are two years younger than them "little kids."

Then I took some 5th graders to the library, where only one of them actually needed to check out a book. Most of them just wandered around looking for the "funniest" titled books they could find. "This one's called Gay Neck Pidgeon!! Ahhh ha ha ha!" Ooook, weirdos. But I love them.

By the end of the day I had no energy and a room of six "gifted" third graders who were extremely excited by everything and not at all interested in staying on task. It was kind of like trying to organize a bunch of hamsters that had been injected with half their body weight of caffeine and then turned loose in a hamster amusement park before being brought in to a classroom and told to learn about geometry. As soon as I got two of them to focus, two more were ambling around the room "sharpening their pencils" (This is what 3rd graders do when they don't want to do their work. They walk slowly to the pencil sharpener where they take their time sharpening away, and then they walk back toward their table, making as many detours as possible. The whole process takes about five minutes and yes, it is an art.) or looking at things the other classes had done. I also discovered a previously-hidden talent I have where I am able to hold three conversations at once. Third graders apparently either don't notice or don't care if you're talking to two other people while they're having a conversation and they're too excited to wait until you're done so they just chat away!

By the time the bell rang I was beat! The elementary school kids definitely won today, I need a nap, and probably a good run or five. All in all though even the most exhausting days are freaking wonderful. Those kids are awesome. Hooray for public school!

Foreign Language Proficiency FTW!!

2009-03-30T18:08:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to break my rampant habit of procrastinating for the past few years, especially when it comes to school stuff. "Trying" is the operative word here, though, because sure enough, I'm supposed to graduate in August (that's in FOUR MONTHS) and I still have three semesters of foreign language to finish. WTF?! How did I manage that?? Of all the things to put off 'til the end, I managed to put off a bunch of classes that can't be taken simultaneously. Brain fail!

So anyway, that brings us to the previously mentioned Giant Test (scroll down). In order to finish on time without having to somehow bend the space-time continuum I had to at least test out of the second course (of four) so I can take the third and fourth sequentially. I haven't had a foreign language course since 2003, and even then it was a weird thing because nobody could understand our professor. It was hard for her to pronounce my name and when she said it it sort of sounded like "Melody," so that was what everyone called me in there. I didn't bother correcting anyone, but I guess I wasn't looking forward to another semester (or three) of being Melody.

So I bought a book, I studied it, I tried to remember as much as I could from growing up in the barrio (Ha!) and from what I learned from Crazy/Awesome Ms. Land in high school, and I signed up to take the content exam. No pressure - just one exam to determine if I have to restructure my entire summer and possibly delay my graduation once again. Meh. It actually went pretty well - I had a brilliant morning driving down to San Marcos and got an outpouring of support from my friends and family. (THANKS Y'ALL, y'all are awesome!) The test itself was not as scary or bad as I'd worried, but the freakin lady in the testing center was watching the Muppet Show or something on her computer with the sound on so while I was trying to translate rejoinders. Thanks for that, lady in the testing center.

Then the test decided to be overly helpful and ask me 4000 times if I wanted my scores reported or if I just wanted to call the whole thing off.

Test: Do you want to submit your scores?
Me: Yes, please.
Test: Are you sure? Because if you quit now your score won't be recorded but if you submit them you can't take the test again for six months!
Me: Yeah, I already took the test. It's ok. Please submit scores. Test: Really?
Me: Yup.
Test: By pressing the button below you are acknowledging that you want your scores reported to the instutition you selected at the beginning of the test. After pressing the button you can't change your mind. So: are you absolutely sure you want these scores reported?
Me: ...?

At this point I'm wondering: Does the test know something I don't? Like, is it trying to rescue me? You know, doing that thing where someone's like "Are you suuuuure you want to do that? Really? Really really?" But WTF?! I've been sitting here two and a half hours. I want to know my stupid score already. So I had to press "yes" like five times. Then - TADA! Score report! Not only did I test out of the second semester, I tested out of the third one, too. Sadly, I missed getting to skip the fourth and final course by one measley point. But really, that's ok. I can easily add one little course over the summer. So yay! I got eleven hours of foreign language credit for less than a hundred bucks and apparently I haven't been lying on my resume when I include the line "proficient in Spanish."

Bonus: TToA Open Mic Night

2009-03-27T21:44:00.004-05:00

I have a monster-sized test on Monday, for those of you who don't know. It will essentially determine how much work I have to do this summer and also my eligibility for a possible bilingual certification. I'm quite the wreck this week! So since I've been holed up in my living room reviewing verb tenses and vocabulary and the Dreaded Eevil Subjunctive, I have very little to report that would make for good blog reading. Not that that's unusual, y'all have to be used to that by now! Ha, I kid. Well, kinda. Anyway: instead y'all are getting the Trivia Team Stand-Up Comedy Show.

Apparently last Wednesday (my only real venture outside from Sun-Thurs) was Bad Joke Night at our table, and I will now share the bad jokes with you. Look for the return of more interesting, more entertaining blogstuff next week! Well, hopefully. If I don't do well on this test then you might not hear much from me until August. Motivation!

---------
MERE: I think I need to see Titanic again, I forgot how it ended.
MARY: Ohh, that is a bad joke
---------
DUFFY: Oh crap, I forgot to read question #3. Ok, just take this next one and insert it wherever you want it.
MERE: That's what she said.
DUFFY: Drops microphone on the floor in disgust and drops his head down on the bar.
DUFFY: Into microphone: Sorry, I just heard one bad joke too many.
---------
DUFFY: Question #6: What is the hardest substance in the human body?
CAM: MY DICK!
---------
BEN: What is in your mouth?
MERE: Spitting food into a napkin: There was a piece of bone in my food!
MARK: Wait, did you just say you had a bone in your mouth? I'm gonna have to call "That's what she said."
MERE: No! It was a choking hazard, there was a bone in my mouth and I almost choked!
MARK: Stares at me for a second.
MARK: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
---------

Oh, trivia team. Y'all are awesome.

Bad Mother Trucker.

2009-03-25T08:34:00.000-05:00

You are probably aware of the Saga Of The Truck. If you're not, scroll down. There you go. Anyway - we've had D's parents' Monte Carlo this week while the truck was in the shop getting a 2nd opinion (2nd opinion: Pretty much the same as the 1st opinion.) so over the weekend we took the Monte Carlo back to exchange it for the truck. FAIL ensued. Please to enjoy:

The truck won't start. This has not previously been a problem. Turns out when the mechanics put it back together, they somehow managed to do it in such a way that the middle brake light (the only one that was working before) stayed on, even when the truck was turned off. WTF?? Exactly. Yeah it's just one bulb, but if left on for three days...the fail. Solution?

We need a jump! But not just any jump. Donnie went and got Old Brown (again, for details, scroll down). At first, Dale declared "He's just showing off!" when his dad got Old Brown to start after only one try. Then they got the trucks hooked up annnnd...yeah, the Dodge still won't start. SUCK!

So now what? After about twenty minutes I snapped this lovely shot of Old Brown in all its glory. Keep in mind that for all its faults, this truck starts when you tell it to. And it miraculously passed inspection this year. And it's worth twice what the Dodge is worth in trade (because it's a "Classic"). And what is that, propping the hood open? If you think it looks like a giant stick/small tree limb, you're not wrong.

After half an hour, Rygel said "Screw it" and found the only shade readily available...

...and I sought alternative transportation.

Freakin finally, after an hour of charging that mofo with an electrical charger and Old Brown, the stupid thing started. I have tried to be nicer to it, thinking that my ill-concealed hatred of it could have something to do with why it's behaving like a piece of junk, and so far we haven't had any additional problems. It starts when you turn the key, at least. But it's going to rain the rest of the week and we're going to be a one-car family because it's too much to ask to have two cars with working windshield wipers. Weak!

MIRACLE!

2009-03-24T01:02:00.003-05:00

Something AMAAAAZING happened today. I was doing laundry (don't look so shocked!) and as I was transferring the last of the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, something in the bottom of the washing machine caught my eye. I had one of those moments where your heart jumps up into your throat as I hastily chunked the wet shirts into the dryer and did a double-take at the washer. Panicked, thinking "Did I just see...?" And the answer was yes. Yes, I did.

Now back up about a week and a half when it was freaking freezing and disgusting outside. Amy and I had plans to run in the gross cold rainy weather but it was way too wet outside to go running on the trail so we agreed to meet at Mom and Dad's and run around their neighborhood. Unfortunately, I forgot both of my iPods (I had my headphones though!) so I borrowed my mom's silver shuffle and off we went. When we got home, we had to kind of rush around because we both needed to shower, etc. before dinner, so I tossed my dirty, gross clothes into my gym bag and changed into something slightly more presentable. Completely forgetting that my mom's iPod was still clipped to the inside pocket of my running jacket, which I then apparently washed yesterday. And that tiny silver iPod was the object in the bottom of the washing machine. Noooooo!

This story is called "MIRACLE!" for a reason, though. I was prepared to call my mom and 'fess up to my crime (iPod waterboarding? Too soon?) and even texted Dale to let him know we were about to throw down $50 for a new iPod, when I decided to check it, just to see. I poked at the play button, but nothing. Then I plugged it in to my lap top. Nothing. But then...TA-DA! the little green light flicked on, the playlist popped up in iTunes and it was back, baby!! I even checked to make sure it still plays and because it's awesome it does. Most freaking amazing surprise of my day. Good show, Apple.

Oh, Mom, by the way: I borrowed your iPod to go running and I got some sweat on it. Don't worry, though, I washed it for you.

It Starts With "F" And Rhymes With "Truck"

2009-03-20T00:58:00.003-05:00

Turns out D's truck is BROKEN. The "little electrical problem" it's had for about six months now? Not so little after all. It turns out that the part that's gone retarded is apparently the brain that connects all of the gauges and electrical stuff in the dash and tells them what to do and how to operate. As a result, he's got one brake light, no lights in the cab at all, no horn, no windshield wipers, no blinkers, no high beams, no speedometer, no fuel gauge, no tachometer, and no temperature gauge. It does, however, still have a working A/C, stereo, and (unfortunately) the freaking Flowmasters. That brain thingy is gonna cost at LEAST $800 to get fixed. I don't know if you've heard lately but I'm about to go back to school full-time (in four days!) and we're not exactly what you would describe as "rolling in the dough." This after spending $300 to have the brakes partially fixed (THANKS, Midas!) last summer, and a recurring $150 to fix some "speed sensor" thing that's gone out four times since D got the truck brand new in '02.

To fully understand the frustration of the situation, you have to understand where D comes from, vehicularly-speaking. At 15, he inherited Old Brown, his parents' big old brown 1988 Chevy Silverado. What's even better is that Old Brown turned the big 2-1 this year and is now considered a "Classic". It's a POS, but it still runs, and is worth twice as much as the Dodge in trade if they're both in good shape. I'm assuming it's still worth twice as much as the Dodge if they're both in crappy shape, but I'm not an expert. Donnie even drove it to town last week which is hilarious because those of you who know and love Old Brown will recall (from high school days, probably) that it often had to be started with jumper cables, the passenger seat didn't always lock into place the first time you tried, the radio didn't work so D had a battery-powered boom box on the floor (it also helped stop the seat from moving), the cloth cover on the ceiling has completely separated from the roof and is tacked up with thumbtacks and it constantly flaps in the wind because the A/C doesn't work so you have to roll down the windows. For a while it also only had one mirror because the rear view randomly melted and fell one day and the driver's side one was obliterated by an errant chicken on Highway 29 one spring afternoon. No, you read that right. Only in Liberty Hill would there be a chicken on the highway. Oh and keep in mind what I said earlier about the windows being down all the time because of the "broken A/C" thing. That's right: not so much fun for our driver. At one point it was made into a redneck swimming pool with a tarp and a water hose. Oh my dear sweet Lord would you look at that, I found a picture:

Good days, those. Finally, I was forbidden to ride in it when the driver's side door fell off in front of my house toward the end of senior year.

About two days later, D showed up with the Dodge. It's only got 70k miles on it and has been garage-kept for all but the last two years, and seeing as how D drove it almost NEVER during college because he lived and worked in the same place which happened to be right across the street from where he went to school, you'd think it'd be in pretty decent shape. But no, the truck gods choose to smite instead. What the hell, truck gods? What'd we ever do to you?

Signs

2009-03-17T15:37:00.002-05:00

I had a really beautiful moment yesterday. I've been back and forth about school lately; it seems like ever since I decided to go back the universe has launched every setback it could think of at me just to see if I really want to keep chasing that funny little dream. Financial setbacks, issues with course requirements, going in and out of jobs (ok the same job) because employer(s) told me they would work with my schedule, then didn't, then I needed the money, but then once again they couldn't keep my schedule straight and I'd get scheduled during class, and then last summer's little stunt with gas prices. It's hard to drive 120 miles round-trip five times a week when gas is over $4.00 a gallon. I couldn't even take classes in the spring because of a financial aid error.

I could have stopped, or I could have switched to a closer school, but the department that I'm in is competitive and is actually ranked in the top five in the nation for geography and environmental science and I really love it there. This sucks. But as I'm gearing up for the last big push, knowing that this summer is going to suck as much as the last one, knowing that D totally has my back but needs me to finish soon so I can help pull the weight, I just suddenly felt everything. Is this the right thing to do? What would I be doing instead? What could I have done differently? Is this all worth it? I've laid awake the past few nights, choking on the tightening knot in my throat, knowing that I have to make up my mind soon: yes or no. Go or don't.

I have my answer. Yesterday I had just gotten home from girl-day with Katie and for some reason I logged on to the school's financial aid website, even though they always e-mail when anything gets approved, etc. There was a little alert in my file "You have no incomplete requirements at this time." Thinking that was odd because I hadn't heard from them since they finished reviewing my file, I opened the folder. Sure enough, there was money in there. But way more than I expected, and more than I would want to borrow if we could help it. Scrolling to look at the breakdown, my breath caught: "TEXAS STATE TUITION GRANT". As in "Here, take this money that you don't have to pay back. No, no, it's cool. We're glad you're here and think you're worth it." You're freaking kidding me. For what?? Hopefully, a going away present, because now I have every intention of freaking going down there every single day this summer, kicking school's butt, and being done in August.

But really - in a second everything changed, like the universe, who had been tossing things at me just because it thought that was funny, finally decided that I'd passed the test, I'd stuck with it, and was acknowledging me by sending some help in my direction. I know I'm making the right choices, and I'm trusting myself. Thanks for that, Universe.

First Ever Blog Award!!

2009-03-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

This rocks, Rich at New Dolloian has bestowed upon me this lovely Kreativ Blogger Award!

I'm officially kreativ and a blogger! Thanks for that, I love it! :-)

7 Things I Love:
1) Texas Wines (Specifically Llano and Wimberley Valley)
2) Historical Geography
3) Coffee
4) Very, very rainy days
5) Running (AND Julie's Spinning classes at 24Hour!)
6) Science fiction as a form of therapy (It's hilarious)
7) Oh fine, I love trivia. And my trivia team. And if y'all are reading this and laughing y'all can suck it.

7 Bloggers I Love:
1) Katie at Your Daily Dose of Awesome
2) Sarah at Sarahbration
3) Cousin Ali at Salsa Etcetera
4) Alex at Nufah
5) Katy Jo at Careful, You May End Up In My Blog
6) A Beautiful Mind at Brainy and Beautiful
7) Birdie at Bonne Vie

Here are the award rules:
List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ! Have fun!

Deus Rex Machina

2009-03-14T18:40:00.004-05:00

What's better than watching one of your favorite movies in a real theater with popcorn, two beers, and an extra sugary dessert? Watching it while it's actually ok to make fun of it out loud. Bonus points: Three guys with a microphone getting paid to make fun of it, and nine awesome, lovely, wonderful friends to share it with. This, if you aren't familiar with frakkin awesome Austin, is the Master Pancake Theater, presented by the delightful (I'm really into the adjectives today, it must be the wine) Alamo Drafthouse Cinema and it's freakin amazing and hilarious and so much fun. So last night a whole slew of us went to see them mock Jurassic Park, which is on my list of top five favorite movies ever (you can suck it if you disagree). I've always really loved velociraptors, but it turns out that what I love even more is velociraptors with British accents. And since they "pancake" the movie they cut out a whole bunch of crap that wasn't interesting and hard to make fun of. Plus we got to yell "Zing!" at all of Jeff Goldblum's "hilarious" one-liners and "Hello, Newman." at everyone's favorite TV mailman/movie computer guy (Uh uh uh! You didn't say the magic word!). But who were those drunken jackasses yelling "Hello, Newman" when the T-Rex showed up? Ohhh right. This guy. And her nine awesome, lovely, wonderful friends.

Thanks for a kick ass night, everybody. In two weeks it's Lord Of The Rings. Can't miss that one! The first three and a half hours of that crazy-long trilogy in less than two hours: the way it was meant to be seen!

Word Association

2009-03-11T23:23:00.005-05:00

We weren't feeling our usual Tavern trip for trivia this week so Cam, Mary, Dale, and I braved the cold (WTF?!) wet weather and wandered over to Pluckers, which is much more conveniently located for us "North Austinites". Freakin biggest mistake any of us have made in a loooong time! But that's a different story. This is the story of Mary's Amazing and Semi-Hilarious Brain. During Matt's (UGH!) grab-bag round, he asked us to name the four railroads in Monopoly. I hate Monopoly so much, but Mary instantly wrote down "B&O" and "Reading". Then I said "Isn't there a Pennsylvania?" so we had three. A while later, the round was almost over and the four of us started to think on the fourth one. Then something awesome happened. Mary was trying to talk herself through it, here's her thought process as the rest of us heard it at the table:

Mary: Sun? Sunny. Sunshine. Shoeshine? Shoreline? Shoreline!
Me: Short Line!

How we got Short Line from a list that included "Sunny" and "Shoeshine" I'm not really sure, but it has something to do with us being A) awesome, B) brilliant, and Secret Option C) trivia masters.

Also, attending the paralyzingly lame and horribly irritating trivia at Pluckers made us appreciate how awesome Duffy and the Tavern are. Going back to Pluckers was like revisiting that horrible relationship that ended two years ago. You know the one, where all you remember is the fun parts but when you get back into it you start to remember that the relationship pretty much sucked because even though your waiter was bad ass, the rest of it was annoying and obnoxious and the rest of the people there sucked. Ok so the analogy kind of falls apart if you get too specific. Whatever.

Anyway - we're officially back to regularly dominating at the Tavern on Wednesday nights. If you're awesome, fun, and think yourself a worthy adversary then you too should come "prove your brain is as big as your liver" and maybe take home a giant tricked-out trophy. Tavern. Duffy says 7:30 but really it's 8:00. Or like 8:10. Be there!

More On Signs - OR - Moron Signs

2009-03-09T14:14:00.004-05:00

I've said this before, and if you are just that bored I invite you to backtrack like an entire year to find it, but it bears repeating. I am SO ANNOYED by the "marketing" strategy that involves real human people standing by the side of the road waving a sign at me. Bonus points if the bosses put the poor guy in a costume. It used to just be the guys at Jiffy Lube who would send the new guy down to the curb to hold up the big "$19.99 OIL CHANGE" sign which was sort of a form of hazing, but now it's a little out of control. Restaurants, gyms, mechanics, tax places, weight loss clinics, stores, it seems like ANYBODY with a business is jumping on the sign-spinning spectacle bandwagon these days. For instance, I saw a person in a firefighter suit today down at Firehouse Subs, pretty much just desperately trying to use their sign for shade and trying not to choke on the exhaust fumes of all the traffic zooming by on 1431. It seems like every other place has some person out there, sometimes waving, sometimes dancing, or, in the case of the guys who advertise a new housing development in north Austin, just sitting there in lawn chairs under their umbrellas. I don't understand how this improves business; maybe it's all the times I've seen bums with signs or interrupting my daily walk to/from class, etc. to ask if I can spare some change but I'm instantly turned off by this. Especially when it's freaking hot outside and you just feel pity for the person with the awkward job of dancing around by a dangerous roadside with a sign. Especially especially when it's a teenage boy dressed in a "Wendy from Wendy's" costume, complete with red yarn pigtail wig. I'll just keep on driving, thanks.

Uh sorry, I'm voting for the other guy...

2009-03-06T21:31:00.003-06:00

It finally feels like Summer! Yesss! Except I figured that out while I was sitting in my car in downtown Austin traffic at 4:30 in the afternoon without my air conditioner. In jeans. Small boo. But it was still a beautiful day! Anyway, as I was sitting there, waiting for the light by the big Whole Foods to turn, I saw a kid with a sign. This isn't rare, there's people all over the place with signs, but I thought he looked a little out of place. As I got closer, I realized he was wearing a cycling uniform. Weird...? Then I read his sign:
I AM RIDING MY BIKE 4000 MILES TO ALASKA.
Ok, good for you, sport! Oh, but there's more on your sign. What does that say there at the bottom?
FOR CANCER.
I couldn't not giggle. Then, right there on the corner, there was a girl with another sign:
HELP ME BIKE TO ALASKA FOR CANCER!
I'm sure this is completely WRONG of me, but I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud. I think what they're trying to do is awesome, I would love to have the guts/drive/time to bike four thousand miles, but I grew up with an English teacher: FIX YOUR SIGN. Until then, I can't donate one shiny penny. I am, as a matter of fact, against cancer.

Seriously, though, good luck with that.

The Greatest Dilemma

2009-03-06T09:50:00.000-06:00

I'm a decisive person. I can look at most situations, find my favorite exit strategy, and act on it, usually quite quickly. I'm not always right the first time, but I rarely face a decision that is irreversible. This week, however, I was faced with a choice of utmost importance.

I was at my mom and dad's, hanging around with the dogs and waiting for my running buddy to get there, when I decided to cheat a little and have a Diet Coke. Maybe it was the Universe telling me that aspartame is bad and I should have had water instead, but I went to the garage (YEAH my parents have two refrigerators, I'm jealous), got a can out of the 'fridge door, turned to walk inside and dropped the mother effer. Noooo! It bounced around, finally coming to rest cradled against the door to the house, mocking my graceful hands. Ok, fine, I'll just get another - but wait. There was still a Diet Coke box on the shelf but - NO! - EMPTY!! I have the last one, and now it's super shaken up! So what to do: follow what I suspect to be the Universe's advice and leave the soda in the garage in favor of something else, or open it and risk getting sprayed in the face by a sticky carbonated bomb?

Of all the decisions I can make with a cool head - diffusing hostile work situations, improvising with entire classrooms of children, even the few and far between life and death choices I've made in the past - this one seriously had no clear solution. But I wanted the Diet Coke. So F you, carbonation, I'm going in! And sure enough, I wore about as much as I drank. But it was still good.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2009-03-03T22:01:00.002-06:00

"...how about now? Hello? Are you there? What do you mean it's hard to understand me? I can hear- I sound tired? Oh, maybe it's because I'm exercising."

Yup, that's right - you probably think this is a gym blog, but HA HA you're wrong. Today Screech (Full name "Hayma Screech", I'm "Yerma Screech" and it's a long story about my sister and I watching "The Amazing Race".) and I went for a run/walk at one of the hike and bike trails around here and while we were running, burning hot, down the kind of hilly and unstable gravel trail, this guy dashes by going the other direction, decked out in the super cool sporty sunglasses, wind jacket tied around his waist, traveling at a pretty good clip and having a full-blown conversation on his cell phone. I was baffled, half because I was like "Really dude? You can't cut the digital leash for an hour in the afternoon?" and half because, well, that's impressive. I mean I have to focus just to kind of grunt out a "Hi" as I pass people going the other way (This is the friendly state, after all!) but to just trot along, making chit-chat and business decisions...that is something else.

But at the same time another person's workout is kind of one of those things I don't want to be a part of, cellularly. Also on that list of things is at the doctor's office and while you're in the bathroom.

Psychic Car!

2009-02-26T22:50:00.004-06:00

My car is amazing. For starters, her name is Dirty Girl, she's always messy and only gets washed when it rains, and she's got a nekkid Dirty Girl air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. Which I can't find any more of so if anybody sees some or knows where I can get some hook it up. ANYWAY - she's also a PSYCHIC. About three days ago I got in the car and the little display that shows the odometers and how much oil I have left had a little message for me: CHECK FUEL CAP. Ok...? So I hopped out and checked the gas tank - nope, everything's fine! Weird. I turned the car back on, same message. So I did what I always do when I get messages that seem unimportant, I ignored it. Every time I turned the car on after that there it was, though, reminding me to check the fuel cap that had nothing obviously wrong with it. Lots of theories floated through my head: This is a ploy from the manufacturer to make me take it in to get it checked out and they're gonna tell me I need about $600 worth of repairs. Those shady kids that hang out in the parking lot messed with my car and replaced my gas cap with Pogs. (Do kids still play with Pogs? Get off my lawn!) There's actually something wrong with the car and the wheels are going to fall off at any second. You know, the usual stuff that runs through your head.
D and I decided that we were just going to let Dirty Girl act weird and quirky and when we take her in to get the visor fixed (long story...) we'll ask them about it. Sure enough, for the next two days every time I turned the car on there it was: CHECK FUEL CAP. So weird!! And then yesterday I had to stop for gas on my way to the gym. I was rushing to cycling class so I only put about half a tank in and hopped back in the car and there was the message again, telling me to check the fuel cap. But wait...something felt different this time. I carefully retraced my steps in my head: swiped the credit card, fueled up, got a receipt, put the fuel hose away, got back in the car and drove away. That's right. I left the gas tank open with the cap dangling in the wind as I drove all the way to the gym. Holy crap. And my car warned me about it three days ago. Coincidence, that the car gives a random nonsensical message about the gas cap two days before I accidentally drive off with the gas cap open for the first and only time ever? Or was it...psychic car? I think the second one.

Episode Three: The Kitchen Strikes Back

2009-02-22T20:51:00.003-06:00

How To Be Awesome #434: Put out a kitchen fire.

That's right, remember when I told you all those things about how my appliances are trying to kill/maim me? They went for the throat last week. I was hanging out in the living room with the Pug when I smelled something burning. I was kind of a weird kid back in the day so I'm familiar (or was back then at least) with the smell of melting plastic (I don't have to explain to you!). Anyway - I start wandering around in search of said melting plastic smell when I realize it's coming from the dishwasher. CRAP! It was on the "auto dry" setting or whatever where it heats up and dries your dishes for you so I grabbed the fire extinguisher which is inconveniently located in the sink, on the other side of the potential fire. Suck! I spent WAY too long examining the fire extinguisher trying to figure it out, making sure I knew which pin to pull, how to actually fire the thing, and which direction to point it in. Yeah that's right, I have total faith in the idea that my dishwasher can contain a fire for as long as it takes me to figure out the frickin fire extinguisher, what up? Anyway, I eventually opened the dishwasher and sure enough, there was a plastic lid to one of those Tupperware containers, burning away down at the bottom of the dishwasher, making all my stuff smell like gross burning plastic. It was totally not worthy of the fire extinguisher so I just grabbed a nearby cup of water and tossed it down in the bottom of the dishwasher. BOO! And then the apartment smelled like melted plastic for about four hours. But I'm a firefighter now and it's awesome.

Jazzercise Hands!

2009-02-20T11:58:00.003-06:00

I talked Griff into going to get our asses kicked this morning in a boot camp class. Fun! Wait, what's the opposite of fun? Anyway - We're standing around before class talking about some weird crap that happened last night (I'm sure that'll pop up on the blog soon) and suddenly Griff shoots me a Look. I glanced around and then I figured out what it meant: 1987 called, they want their music video wardrobe back. SERIOUSLY. Do you remember Jazzercise? How about Jessie, Kelly, and Lisa's music video from Saved By The Bell? This lady's outfit would have made any of them jealous. I don't know if words will convey the awesome. She had on turquoise bicycle shorts under a purple and blue leotard (LEOTARD!) with bright orange socks and white tennis shoes. Amazing! Where do you even get turquoise bike shorts and leotards anymore? I've got to hand it to her though, my ass would not look good in the outfit she was rockin. Then she velcro-ed on some of those ankle weight thingies to each leg, but apparently the strain was too much because she only did about half of the stuff the class was doing. Here's a tip: Take off the ankle weights. Now go change your clothes.

Why Austin Is Awesome

2009-02-19T06:32:00.001-06:00

With yesterday's post about a big crime FAIL, I had to post an amazing crime WIN today! I don't know who did this (If it was you e-mail me you're my new BFF!) but it's quite possibly the most awesome thing ever to happen to road signs in Austin. Things to watch out for in Austin: Hippies, Leslie, and Nazi Zombies. Whoever you are, I effing love you, man. Or lady.

And suck it, people who say it's a "hazard". The roads are confusing enough without your "helpful" detour signs; I'd way rather be warned about the zombies than "MLK Closed Ahead...Still...After Three Months...Use 15th Instead...Still."

AND it's the Top Story. Even better. I love you, Universe. Sorry I was mad at you the other day - we're cool. <3

So, what are you in for?

2009-02-18T08:13:00.000-06:00

Who says there's nothing good in the newspaper? Or in this case the "online newspaper". I was goofing off on the Statesman's website and guess what I found: 1 of 2 thong-facemask robbery suspects sentenced. NOT A JOKE! These guys actually (kind of hilariously) robbed a store with women's thongs on their faces. You know, as a disguise. I like to think it went down like this:

Robber #1: You know, our usual getups are so uncomfortable and frumpy. I'm tired of putting pantyhose over my head and my ski mask's in the wash! What to do?
Robber #2: Want to try boxer-briefs?
Robber #1: No, man, how are we supposed to see?
Robber #2: We could try some sheer lingerie? Or something lacy?
Robber #1: I've got it: THONGS!
Robber #2: Oh dude that's perfect! You wear blue, I'll wear green!

And the rest is history. I wish I could find a surveillance photo so I could put it on Failblog. It's probably best that they're getting locked up; these guys were due for a Darwin Award.

More Fun In The Checkout Line! Except Not...

2009-02-17T12:34:00.004-06:00

OMG I suck at checkout lines. I don't get it! Does this happen to everybody? If you ever, ever see me in a store and I've got fewer than ten things in my hands and I'm headed for the checkout line, run the other way or at least make sure you avoid my line at all costs. Last night, Dale needed to pick up one thing, ONE THING, at Wal-Mart. Now, this might be karma because Wal-Mart is the Eevilest, most horrible corporation, but somebody sent D's work a Wal-Mart gift card and so he was using it to help pay for a Wii, which they're using as a prize for their casino night coming up on Thursday at work. It was after 10:00 pm when we got there so we wandered over to the electronics and found what we needed. Capitalism win! Oh but wait, we still have to check out. There was one person in front of us, and of course the cashier (Who definitely had the "Wal-Mart" look and wasn't far from being what some of my friends might consider "not a real person".) can't figure out how to ring up the one item the lady in front of us has. Seriously? EVERY FREAKING TIME! Finally after about seven minutes of futile attempts, the cashier calls for reinforcements and a person with a key comes and helps her ring up the DVD player or whatever it was. Great! Fantastic! Our turn. S...he? I'm pretty sure? She? Maybe "he" but I finally decided I think it was a she. With the super scary meth teeth. Anyway, the cashier rings us up, D goes to use the gift card annnnd...FAIL. Like, the whole machine does something weird, it won't authorize the gift card, and (of course) it's taking forever. I wandered off to look at random stuff (You can buy Space Camp AND WarGames in a two-pack for $7.50 at Wal-Mart! It's how the evil empire sucks you in!) and when I get back they still haven't figured it out. The cashier goes "Sorry, I'm a new cashier, let me call customer service..." and finally another person with a key shows up, fixes it, and we get out of there. But WTF?! Why does Wal-Mart have a new person working in electronics by themselves? And WHYYYY does that crap happen to me every time I have to buy something? Suck it, Universe.

Movie Monday: Taken

2009-02-16T17:10:00.004-06:00

The Movie: Taken
Seen On: I don't remember At: Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek With: Dale & Ben, my movie buddies!
Who's In It: Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen, Maggie Grace
In 100 Words: “Taken” happens because seventeen year old Kim and her mom convince her retired-spy dad that she should go to Europe with her friend Amanda. Cautious Dad’s instincts were right: Kim and Amanda are kidnapped from their apartment by Albanian human traffickers. Luckily, she’s on the phone with Dad when it all goes down, and gives him enough info to begin his search. Then he must use all his special ninja-spy skills to break up the trafficking ring and retrieve Kim before she is sold to an Arab sheikh as a sex slave (no, really, that’s what is going to happen).
It's Kind Of Like: The Bourne movies, Ransom, and every episode of CSI ever.
Running Time: 1 hour, 33 minutes. Feels Like: That's about right.
Favorite Quote: "That is what happens when you sit behind a desk. You forget things, like the weight in the hand of a gun that's loaded and one that's not." Pretty badass, actually.
Sucker Punch Count: At least 60, I completely lost count.
How It Changed My Life: I totally want to be a ninja spy now.
I'd Recommend This Movie For: People who care more about watching exciting fight sequences instead of being critical of writing or, in some cases, acting; adrenaline junkies
Final Rating: 4 Awesomes (Out of 5). Definitely not bad.

Dance Dance Revolution

2009-02-15T11:37:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned yet that Griff and I re-joined the gym? We tricked them into giving us a family plan so it was pretty economical and we've been committed to actually going several times a week. Our favorite class is kickboxing on Thursday with Abel who will kick your ass and not be sorry, but we've gotten brave and ventured into some others. Yoga, spinning, dance. Yeah you read that right: our North Austin gym that caters mostly to middle class, middle aged, white people has a dance class on Saturday mornings. It was Griff's idea to drop by last week and as we stood there in the back with the adorable little instructor giving us the overview ("We're gonna start with the routine that our dance team does for the Austin Toros and if it's your first time don't worry you might feel a little lost but you'll pick up the choreography and then we'll move into a couple of other routines that are a little bit easier!") Griff turned to me and said "NONE OF THIS GOES IN YOUR BLOG!"

Sorry! I waited as long as I could, but this has to be said. White people in large groups = generally not the best dancers. I'm not really sure how to convey the visual, it was like trying to teach circus tricks to retarded alley cats. People were spinning the wrong way, tripping over their feet, at one point I just kind of made something up, the instructor and the two girls from the dance team were doing their thing up front and everybody else was just kind of...out of control, Griff and I were laughing (at ourselves as much as other people) and maybe only one or two of the people in that room actually had any rhythm at all. And all of this with Jennifer Lopez blasting over the speakers. Best class ever.

Valentine's Break Up Letter

2009-02-14T09:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Bridal Shop,
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Ok, that's not entirely true, but I did suffer some writer's block while trying to come up with it. I don't know how to say this but...we've been together for two long, long years, and, well, I think we should see other people. I can't tell you what the past 24 months have meant to me, I've learned so much: what never to say to a bride, how to ignore it when bridesmaids are bitchy to you, the mechanics and processes of special order placement and fulfillment, serious conflict resolution, how to dodge shoes, wallets, lipstick, and other projectiles that are sometimes thrown at your head, how to delicately tell a woman that she needs a size fourteen and not the size eight that she's trying to squeeze her way in to, how to dye shoes, what petticoat goes with what shape of dress, and, our ultimate dealbreaker, that I absolutely do not ever, ever, ever want to work in retail or sales, ever again.
You're going to be fine, you are going to go on to outfit thousands of crazy-ass brides, bridesmaids, and flower girls and you will have so many more customer service representatives patrolling the front of the store, you won't even think of me after a few weeks. Maybe one day, far down the road, we'll meet again. Maybe I'll need a bridesmaid's dress or a gown for some formal occasion. But for now, I think it's best that we don't see each other for some time. I will always, always have a soft spot in my heart for you. Whenever I'm at the nail salon and I see a girl with one hand under the dryer and one hand on her blackberry, viciously spitting obscenities at her wedding planner, I will think of you. When I'm in a bar and a loud crowd of tanned, fluffy-haired bridesmaids escort a young lady in to celebrate her last days as an unmarried woman/get her crosseyed-drunk so she'll stop yelling at them about how awful they are being about "her day", I will think of you. Next time I'm at the lake/beach/park/etc. at sunset and I see a wedding where an oblivious and blissfully happy bride is surrounded by angry and exhausted bridesmaids, a terrified groom, and a stressed out mother, I will fondly remember all of the time we spent together.
Thank you so much for all of the memories. I will truly cherish this time and will fondly look back and remember you while I'm spending my Saturdays with my family and friends instead of wearing uncomfortable high heels and getting my face screamed at. I probably won't drink as much, and my blog might get less funny (OK those things will never happen). But it's not you, it's me, we've drifted apart and now I feel like it's just time to move on. This just wasn't meant to be. Take care, Bridal Shop, and remember: I might not always love you, but you were the biggest piece of crap job I've ever had.

With Love,
Mere

How I Almost Killed A Guy

2009-02-13T06:03:00.000-06:00

Ok so I didn't almost kill somebody, but I did come very close to a potential bar fight tonight at trivia. All my "I almost did something horrible" stories start with "I was at trivia last night...."

Anyway, I was at trivia last night, and it was weird. Usually trivia is on Wednesday but tonight it was Thursday because apparently the Tavern had other plans on Wednesday. Half the regulars didn't get the memo so apparently Wednesday night a bunch of people had shown up and I guess nobody told them to come back on Thursday because the bar was barely half full. Maybe six teams, tops. Plus Duffy's grader didn't show so Mark graciously filled in (when I say "graciously" I actually mean "was bribed with free beer"). Also apparently Mark sometimes reads my blog (he called me a "real blogger", ha ha awesome) HI MARK! Uhm, anyway. Dale wasn't feeling well, Mary has a life outside of trivia (WHO KNEW?!), and Ben was doing whatever so at the table it was just me, Eng, and Camden, making his triumphant return to trivia after battling the Eevil Mono.

So I went and turned in an answer sheet and it happened. It was almost like a dance, the motions lined up so perfectly. I was about five feet from our table and the guy sitting caddy-cornered to us was walking back to his chair also. Apparently he was talking to his buddy and paying even less attention than I was because he pulled out his chair while in mid-sentence and went to sit in it, but he'd pushed it just a few inches too far and right into my path. I kind of saw all of this happening but was a little too slow to fix any of it. The chair entered my path and I accidentally (it was an accident, I SWEAR!!) kicked it a little, and when he went to sit in it...yeah. He didn't crash all the way to the floor, he kind of did this Superman style laid-out flop into the chair as he realized he was way too far away to sit in it normally. You know those moments when you kind of want to die? That was me. Of course I instantly apologized profusely and repeatedly and the guy was completely nice about it. I mean, I might talk a lot of crap at trivia but unless you're this guy I would never purposely inflict bodily harm on anybody! Thursday trivia throws off my whole groove.

Really, Ted Allen?

2009-02-12T00:50:00.002-06:00

How has this happened?! I caught "Chopped" on the Food Network on Tuesday night, and WTF??? Ted Allen, my favorite sort-of-judge from "Top Chef", is now hosting this debacle that is not only a terrible idea but the least exciting cooking show ever. Apparently the premise is that four chefs are supposed to cook a three-course meal but the twist is that they have to incorporate ingredients (four, I think) from a Mystery Box for each course. I totally remember that challenge from Season Two of "Top Chef"! Elia's "lovely American cheese product", aw. But "Top Chef" this is not. With four contenders and only sixty minutes you don't even get the chance to give a rat's ass about any of these people. Then they boringly-yet-overdramatically present their dishes to the pompous chef/restaurant-owner panel, who apparently have a clause in their contracts that never allow them to give a positive remark about anything with the chefs in the room. This show is such a downer! WHY am I watching it?! Anyway, so the chefs are offed (or "Chopped", get it?) one by one and ultimately one...wins? Meh. Even Dale, who has rather indiscriminate taste when it comes to TV, said "I don't know if 'Chopped' is gonna make it, this is pretty bad!" And he's right. I just hate to see Ted Allen going down with it. It's not his fault that someone makes him robotically declare "YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!" to each ousted contender, although I do kind of blame him for this weird kind of bouncy delivery of every line that he's developed since his blaze of awesome on "Top Chef". Boo.
Dear Food Network,
Please don't kill Ted Allen's career. Kthx.
- Mere.

Milk Shake Target Acquired

2009-02-11T10:41:00.001-06:00

Last night I had some very important TV watching to do, in the form of two hours of The Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other plans so every time the show went to commercial they'd pull this "extended commercial break" thing where the meteorologist guy would come on the screen with all his glowey monitors and gadgets and talk for endless minutes about this one skinny green and red line slashing through Central Texas. Like "Hey guys, it's gonna rain, and there's a lot of wind. Here it is, it's moving east, and let me just tell you again: it's gonna rain. There's a lot of wind. Please seek shelter immediately if you are outdoors (Really? I'm sorry, if you stay outdoors when the wind and rain pick up you deserve what's coming to you!) and let me show you again: this front is moving in to the Austin area, we're expecting very heavy rains and strong winds. It's moving east, seek shelter and stay away from outside walls and move to the first floor of your home, we are expecting very strong winds out of this front that is moving east..." I'm not freaking kidding you. This was ridiculous! And they pull this every time we have some kind of bad storm, they act like nobody knows what to do. I'm sorry, I have one word for people who stay outside in weather like that: Darwin. And really, now I know why everybody threw milk shakes at Nicolas Cage in The Weatherman. We fracking get it! You don't have to say it 20 times and interrupt our shows at every commercial break. Ugh, I hate you.

ALSO: Apparently, I'm funny (who knew?!) and I've been admitted to Humor Bloggers, a kind of community/blog directory for people who blog funny. Anyway, it would be awesome if y'all would stop by and rate my site. You can click "Rate 'Shut Uppp'" on the Shiny Stuff link list to the left or I'll make it easy for you and you can just click here. It improves your karma! Thanks everybody. I LOVE YOU! I really do.

How Not To Behave At Yoga

2009-02-10T06:37:00.000-06:00

So one of my favorite girls (Katie from Your Daily Dose of Awesome) recently posted a blog on yoga etiquette. I found this completely brilliant because now that every gym has yoga classes, tons of insensitive people are now regularly "doing yoga", although ask 80% of them why and they'll never mention the awesome emotional and spiritual benefits that actually practicing yoga will bring you. Since rejoining el Globo Gym Amanda and I have dropped in to a bunch of different classes, determined to get our money's worth (Ask me about our Saturday dance class! Hilarious.) and last night we went to a pretty freakin awesome yoga session. Of course, a great yoga class must be balanced with a huge amount of idiocy. So tonight we're in the middle of some floor poses a full thirty minutes into the one hour class and the door opens. WTF? Sure enough, this girl walks in pretty much in street clothes and kind of mills around by the door, stepping loudly until pretty much everyone in the room is looking at her, at which point her mom? Friend? Or someone waves at her from the middle of the front row. Really?? So Giggly Annoying Girl (heretofore known as "GAG") giggles and rushes to the prop wall, grabs a mat, runs to the middle of the room and plops the mat down between her mom and her neighbor, and then giggles some more. Really?? You suck! So whatever, everybody seems to recover from the distraction and eventually we're all back on track. UNTIL: Inversions!! One of my fave things to do (Thanks to a good friend of mine who is the most awesome yoga teacher I've EVER had!) and something I really want to get better at. Anyway, the instructor demonstrates how to do a shoulder stand, then moves on to how to do a headstand, stressing that you should only do this if you feel comfortable. So the instructor's in a headstand and she can see GAG from where she is and GAG is prepping for a headstand and this is what happened:
INSTRUCTOR: Ok, I'm really worried about this student (meaning GAG).
GAG: No response.
INSTRUCTOR: I don't think you're quite ready for this. I mean - I'm not trying to be mean or anything at all but I don't think you're ready.
GAG: No response, and now is trying to figure out how to position herself so she won't break her neck but she's totally about to break her neck.
INSTRUCTOR: I really really strongly advise against you doing this one, please don't try it, I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to look out for you.
GAG: Still no response, ignores Instructor, has to have the biggest headache by now because she's pretty much repeatedly slamming her head on the floor trying to kick up into a headstand gymnastics-style.
INSTRUCTOR: (Now appealing to GAG's mom/whatever) I don't want her to do this, I'm not trying to be mean but I don't think she's ready. I'm not saying this to hurt her feelings. She's just not ready for this one.
GAG'S MOM: (Looks at GAG, looks back at Instructor, finally kind of taps GAG and GAG kind of rolls her eyes and just sits there huffily)

Yeah, that just happened. I couldn't freaking believe that! It might be a class at a gym that YOU pay for but the poor instructor was just trying to keep this girl safe! Good Lord. AND the class was totally disrupted again because we were all a little distracted and worried about this chick who seemed determined to F her own stuff up. People, freakin please.

Movie Monday: Defiance

2009-02-09T08:10:00.000-06:00

The Movie: Defiance
Seen On: Thursday 2/5 At: Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek With: Dale & Ben
Who's In It: Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber
In 100 Words: “Defiance” tells the story of the Bielski brothers, part of a Jewish family living in Belorussia during WWII. After their family is killed, the four brothers end up hiding in the woods on the run from Germans. The whole first 90 minutes of the movie is somehow slow and yet still attempts to cram a lot into a small space: food shortage, growing numbers of refugees, creating community, conflicting opinions, rescue missions, hookups in the woods, and something about the Red Army. What? Exactly. But you get to stare at Liev Schreiber and Daniel Craig, and then everything blows up.
It's Kind Of Like: Red Dawn meets Uprising and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? I guess.
Running Time: 2 hours, 17 minutes. Feels Like: Almost 3 hours.
Favorite Quote: "Nothing is impossible. What we have done is impossible."
Sucker Punch Count: At least 5, plus one sucker-shooting.
How It Changed My Life: I'm now completely sure that I will never set my time machine to Belorussia in 1941.
I'd Recommend This Movie For: People with more patience than me; Historians and sociologists; People who can suppress the urge to yell "WOLVERINES!" in a crowded theater.
Final Rating: 2 1/2 Awesomes (Out of 5). Meh.

MORE Notes About Work...

2009-02-07T09:19:00.001-06:00

- YES it really is possible to wait too long to order your bridesmaids' dresses. It's happened. And sometimes there is literally not a thing in the world we can do about it - the dresses do not exist and I cannot magically make them appear for you in time for the wedding. So please, when we say order in advance, order in advance. We're not just saying that to try and get you to pay for something today. There are brides getting married with mismatched bridesmaids or even a bridesmaid or two short because they didn't place their order soon enough.

- NO, I'm not going to write a description of your dress so that you can put it in your newspaper announcement. Funny story: a girl once asked me to do that and I was REALLY in a mood that day, apparently, and so I said "Well, what does your dress look like?" And she replied "It's white, and it's kind of flowy chiffon fabric with a split front and cap sleeves with beading." So I said "Ok, do you have a pen? Write this down: The bride wore a white chiffon gown with a full skirt and cap sleeves with detailed embroidery and embellishments. How does that sound?" She thought it sounded great. Duh. If you can describe your dress to me, you can describe it to the newspaper.

- YES, everyone that works here has strong arms. Good observation. We lift giant wedding gowns all day long and we carry about six bridesmaids dresses at a time. We also have a huge tolerance for ridiculous people.

- We really really don't have extra dresses in the back. I'm sorry. Some days you might get lucky and maybe there's a bra or slip in the right size that's back in receiving that we just haven't brought out yet but you don't understand how rare that is. We're not lying to you - we don't keep backstock of all this stuff. You really do have to order it.

- Nobody told you your alterations would be free, and you're really not the first crazy person who has tried to tell me that someone did. We spend LOTS of time going over what NOT to say to people about their alterations, and we all definitely, definitely know not to tell you that you alts are free. Shut up and get out of my line.

- Yes you need an appointment. Yes you will have to wait for-freakin-ever if you don't have one. I can't say it enough: You. Need. An. Appointment. I hate you.

In Other News...

2009-02-06T09:23:00.000-06:00

I was uncharacteristically watching local news this morning and what to my wandering eye should appear but the delightful "headline" that the DTV switch has been pushed back from next week until June to "give people more time" to prepare. WTF?! Because I'm pretty sure they've been scrolling that message with the switch date and the number to call across the bottom of my TV for almost a year now. So the DTV groundhog saw its shadow and now we're in for four more months of stupid commercials, scroll bars, and obnoxious advertising for a switch that's probably not going to affect that many people. Oh and it's because "some people" didn't get the memo. Darwin says that those people should lose their TV signal 'til they get their stuff together.

I Find You Unacceptable.

2009-02-05T12:04:00.004-06:00

You've got to be freakin kidding me. Is this a real thing? You're actually going to buy a piece of plastic to put in your hair to make yourself look like a Conehead. Rad. I've never understood the "hair bump" thing; aside from making you look like you just stepped out of an SNL sketch, you also look like you may have left a curler in there somewhere and just kind of said "Meh, go with it." and pulled the rest of your hair over the curler and pinned it up anyway. So anyway - in case you can't find the cardboard tube from an empty roll of toilet paper or a giant highlighter or something else creative (and free) to stick under your stupid looking hair bump, you can purchase this little treasure to make your hair look like a small volcano.

And Now I Probably Glow In The Dark.

2009-02-03T17:49:00.005-06:00

We've been over the whole "I'm a sucky cook" thing before, so you're probably not surprised to learn that I microwave. Like, a lot. At least two meals a day. To be fair it's not always TV dinners (Hello, Smart Ones quesadillas! Yum!), there are plenty of times when it's yesterday's home-cooked meal (Orrrr last night's takeout leftovers, whatever.) that just needs a quick zap before it's ready to eat. Anyway - I'm familiar with my microwave. Just imagine my surprise when I went to heat up my earlier and - WTF?! - there's a gigantic crack in the plastic, right by the handle. Hoooooly crap, how long has that been there? I'm thinking it's rather new because it's pretty noticeable, but that can't be good, right? And the inside panel (the one with the window) isn't cracked at all, but it still seems totally plausible to me that every time I turn the microwave on crazy scary rays of radiation shoot out of the crack and bounce around my house. To make it even better, it's the kind that is mounted over the stove, so the death rays are on brain-level. Fan-freakin-tastic.

So yeah, not only do I probably glow in the dark and emit small amounts of radiation, Silkwood style (Oh sorry, is that completely wrong to say?), I also get to wander over to the property management office tomorrow and tell them to fix it. Look for the "My Apartment Company Sucks" blog, more than likely coming soon.

Dear Guy In The Movie Theater,

2009-01-31T23:16:00.001-06:00

Shut the hell up.

No, really. Dale, Ben, and I went to see "Taken" tonight and I know this only happens because I have one of those "I like to screw with you" relationships with the Universe, but every freaking time I go to the movies I end up sitting next to/in front of/nearby the guy who insists on giving the running commentary on whatever's going on onscreen. I don't understand: just like I don't need your help watching basketball, I don't need your help watching a movie. I've done this before; I've got this. However, this guy seems to think not only his idiot wife needs the in-theater commentary (I'll wait for the DVD, thanks), but the entire theater needs to hear how he's awesome and has this whole thing figured out.

In the first five minutes of sitting by this d-bag, I knew I was in for it. He spent a good couple of minutes passive-aggressively berating the waitress because the bar was out of the two beers he'd ordered, and while the waitress was trying to offer suggestions he wouldn't even let her finish her sentence because he was making fun of her taste in beer. And apparently this was fine with Idiot Wife because she just said there and explained, "He's a beer snob." Uh, excuse me?? How about "Total d-bag with no people skills that shouldn't be allowed to talk in public"? I really hope the Belhaven he ended up settling on was laced with some delicious waitress saliva. I know better than to piss off the people who serve me my food! Anyway.

So the movie starts, and it's pretty exciting. He's making those stupid comments that people who have to say something all the time are known to make but they're small and fleeting so I'm able to let it go. Then at some point a car appears on the screen and suddenly this guy is four years old. He points and emphatically shouts "Audi!" at the screen. Wait, what? Yeah it's an Audi...the story's set in Europe, like every other car in the movie is an Audi. I almost got run over by and Alfa Romeo when I lived in Switzerland and it was awesome until I realized that European cars in Europe are kind of no big deal. Thanks for the update, moron, but from now on unless it's a Slug Bug keep your mouth shut, k? Then at another point the main character finds a dead girl (Don't worry there are a lot of dead people in this movie, I'm not really giving anything away) and it gets all dramatic for a moment, and it's pretty clear she's dead but just in case we weren't sure, there's Moron: "She's dead!" Good to know. The best one, though, came at the end, at a particularly dramatic moment of the movie when one character has the opportunity to shoot another character in the head and all is very tense and quiet. Our old friend Moron then advises the whole theater, "A bullet to the left temporal lobe, that'll almost always kill you." I couldn't help it. Tensest, most interesting moment of the movie or not, I freakin cracked up. Bizarre. And somehow, not that uncommon. Thanks for that, Moron in the movie theater.

But the movie was good and then we got ice cream.

How I Poisoned Myself At The Gym

2009-01-30T13:11:00.003-06:00

Yeah I'm a GENIUS. You know how I spend all that time whining and bitching about stupid people? It's because sometimes I is one. So this morning I got up, played with the dog, and went to the gym in time for Abel's crazy ass-kicking boot camp class. About halfway through I was dying and when we went to put our hand weights down I sneaked over to my water bottle and took a couple of gulps. MISTAKE!! Apparently when I washed my bottle yesterday I didn't get all the soap out and I'm not kidding, it wasn't just a little soapy it was REALLY freakin soapy! So now I'm doing all this cardio and actively trying not to puke all over the gym. I actually had to leave class and go get some non-poisoned water and sit down for a minute because I thought I might die. It was awesome. Wait, what's the exact opposite of awesome? It was Republican.

How I Almost Got In A Fight

2009-01-29T10:56:00.003-06:00

Before you read this, I'd like to formally apologize to my mother who is a wonderful parent and an awesome lady and raised me much better than to get in a fight with a total idiot stranger in public. I swear that this almost never happens and I won't do it again. For a while. :o) Ok moving on...

Last night was trivia - YAY! And a bunch of people who I haven't seen in a while were there, double YAY! Annnnd some jackass decided to start screaming the second Duffy started talking on the mic. Not so much yay. There was a basketball game on that this d-bag wanted to watch and apparently he couldn't figure out what was going on on the screen without the play-by-play so when they turned the sound off for trivia he started screaming like a two-year-old who didn't get his way. No words, nothing specific, just a loud, sustained, Tarzan-like yell. Really, guy? What I don't get, and I never got the answer because he wouldn't actually talk reasonably to anybody, was why he needed the sound on to watch basketball. I mean, you get that if you're actually AT the game there's no commentators or anyone telling you exactly what is going on, right? They invented that job for the old washed up players and coaches who nobody actually in the sport wanted to work with, but d-bags like you still relate to because they've spent their entire careers being not good enough and not liked by their peers, and you both live by the delusion that if the coach/owner/boss would have given you one more chance then you would have been awesome. (With the exception of Lou Holtz, who is extremely awesome but is currently paying his debt to society for coaching the Eevil Notre Dame.) I don't even really know that much about basketball but I am perfectly capable of watching a game with the sound off because...well, there's zero things that I actually need to hear.

So anyway, this d-bag is screaming his head off and at first nobody can tell if he's just drunk or if he's "serious", and somehow we almost ended up (ok when I say "we" I'm really just talking about me and Ben) in a fight! Except I don't really know if it can be considered a fight if the best the other guys can do besides a Tarzan yell is to say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" repeatedly to the trivia host and to yell "WHATEVER!" and ask if I'm retarded. I mean, I suppose it's a valid question, I was pretty much ready to cut a bitch with a butter knife right there in the middle of the bar. I have been looking for a fight for a while now, apparently. Oh, and did I mention that Fireman's #4 was on special last night and apparently I was reaaalllly thirsty and achieved Pluckers-like levels of drunkenness? Anyway, it was all about to get REALLY awesome and then...yeah, they just kind of left. As the guy's idiot friend left he smiled really big at Ben which Ben quite rightly pointed out he wouldn't have done if there hadn't been a massive oak table between the two of them and the friend commented to Duffy that he has some "real nice" trivia fans, like maybe he'd just achieved the burn of the century.

So that was trivia, or the start of it anyway. GTYO took the damn trophy back which is halfway fine with me because really we didn't want it again and I swear if she takes any of the screws out of the gnome's face I'm gonna paint its face like a pirate. Beeyotch. And we're pretty sure they cheated but they did win best team name for the 2nd time in a row even though their name was pretty lame both weeks. So we're gonna have to have a super strong showing next week because this week was kind of a bummer, what with the screaming Tarzan idiot and GTYO. Apparently I'll be spending the next week brushing up on my grab-bag trivia (so...reading the encyclopedia, I guess?) because that was the only round that we didn't get a near-perfect score in, like always. If anybody wants to throw random trivia facts my way I'm all for it!

What is it about me that screams "LIAR"?

2009-01-27T23:30:00.000-06:00

Apparently there's something because last weekend I had no fewer than five brides-to-be that stared me straight in the face and refused to believe that we had no open fitting rooms in the store. Yup, we have almost forty rooms, and we've got people in every single one of them trying stuff on. People with appointments or people who waited up to two hours to get into a fitting room, just like you're going to. Here's how a typical encounter with one of these freaks goes.

Mere: Hi, how can we help you today?
Crazy: I need a wedding gown (Insert story here about how she has one that doesn't like or that she has ten favorites that she wants us to pull for her or that she is getting married in three weeks).
Mere: Ok, do you have an appointment today?
Crazy: No, I just want to try on dresses.
Mere: Well unfortunately this is our busiest time of the year so on the weekends all of our fitting rooms are assigned to consultants and right now they are all full with appointments and we're working off of a waiting list. I can put you on the list but you are still looking at at least an hour long wait.
Crazy: I don't need a consultant, I just want to try on dresses.
Mere: Thinking: Are you freaking kidding me, Crazy? I just told you what the deal is: I literally have no fitting rooms for you. They. Are. All. Full.
Mere: Says: I understand but as I was saying, there are no rooms available for you to try the dresses on in.
Crazy: Blinks
Mere: Thinking: You're waiting for me to tell you you're special, aren't you? You want me to say "But for you, I'd be happy to bend all the rules, because you aren't like those other people, you don't have to make an appointment and wait in line!" Guess what bitch, YOU SUCK!
Mere: Says: I'd be more than happy to put you on the waiting list, then you can pull up to three dresses and as soon as we have a room for you we'll page you.
Crazy: Insert passive aggressive (or sometimes just aggressive) comment here.

So Crazy registers, I put her on my list, and before you know it, she and her massive entourage (which may or may not include small children that are screaming and/or running away) have pulled about five dresses each and they are now trying to sneak into a fitting room. Really, Crazy? Did you not hear me when I told you that all our rooms are assigned to consultants? So the next thing Crazy knows, she's been busted and Brit or Mel or LC or whatever poor consultant whose room she tried to take over is walking her back up to the front, explaining what I just told her and turning her back over to me, where I smile fakely and let her know it will just be another hour or so. Also, I hate you, Crazy.

Oh and of course when she finally gets a consultant with a room the poor consultant has to walk all 30 of her dresses back to the front because she pulled dresses that were 2 sizes too small. Have I told you lately how much I hate brides?

Crap.

2009-01-23T21:25:00.004-06:00

I'm in a fight with a vacuum cleaner. Two, actually. The most horrible part of being mad at a vacuum cleaner is how to describe said POS vacuum cleaner. I tried exclaiming "UGH! This vacuum SUCKS!" But...it doesn't, and that's the problem. But saying that something doesn't suck implies that it's actually good. So WTF? I lose. And now I'm just ranting, and it's just words, because I have no good way of explaining what the hell is up with the vacuum. It sucks because it doesn't suck. Vacuums suck, they SUCK! Also, "sucks" is the only word I can use to describe something I don't like. So don't even ask.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

2009-01-22T17:28:00.004-06:00

So I was standing in line at Ulta this morning, just trying to buy stupid lip gloss and eyeliner and the inevitable happens: I'm stuck behind a crazy bitch with a coupon. Actually it was an entire coupon magazine like the kind you get in the mail. APPARENTLY, this lady is unable to read, so when the cashier gives her the total, Crazy Bitch tosses down the coupon thingy and says "I want to use this." Ok, no problem, the cashier looks at the coupon and then tells her something about blah blah, certain items are excluded, etc., which I get is frustrating but still, sometimes it's just that way. She even flips the brochure over and shows her where the items are listed that are NOT 20% off. Sure enough, the lady has a big giant Tigi set that she's trying to buy that is not on sale. Instead of taking it like a human being and saying "That sucks, but I understand that it's not your fault," Crazy Bitch flips the f out and gets up in the poor girl's face about it. So the cashier says she'll call a manager, who then comes over and says "Oh, that promotion doesn't even start until Saturday. See here? It says January 24." I scoffed out loud. Like, really really loud, not even caring if the crazy lady buying expensive shampoo and conditioner to go along with her tucked-in tee shirt, tapered ankle-length Mom jeans, and manly hiking shoes heard me. Because she might be nuts but I promise you, I'm crazier. But still nice! Anyway, the adorable mom/daughter team behind me laughed.
Adorable Mom: It never fails, right?
Me: Every single time.
So at this point Crazy B is raging at the manager, and she actually says "EVERY OTHER STORE WILL HONOR THEIR PROMOTIONS EARLY AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME!" at which point I burst out laughing because a) That's not true, b) That's not a nice way to ask, and secret option c) I'm looking for a fight. Unfortunately for my fight, instead of turning around and attempting to clock me she throws this pedicure set at the poor cashier and yells at her "I DON'T WANT THIS AT ALL, AND I WANT MY 20% DISCOUNT ON THIS!" holding up the much-needed shampoo set. Freaking FINE! The manager just glares at her, pulls a 20% coupon out of the drawer, scans it and types in whatever manager code she has, and walks away, very noticeably sharing a Look with the cashier. I can't say I would have done anything differently, having been in very similar situations ("Your ad says $350 off every dress in the store!" "Ma'am, that is impossible, that dress is only $299, I'm not going to pay you $51 for shopping with us, am I?") but I enjoyed the fight. So in the end, the awesome cashier finished the transaction, tossed the bag at the Crazy B and just left her with a "Have a nice day." Aww.

Yeah, people are weird.

Not An Inauguration Blog...

2009-01-20T10:08:00.003-06:00

So I was driving home yesterday and I noticed that the Eevil developers are at it again. They've already put a BK within three miles of my house and, while I haven't had BK very often in my life, I happen to think it's absolutely delicious. And also it's probably the worst possible fast food that you can eat. Anyway, right next to this Eevil BK they are building...a Shipley's donuts. With a drive-through. WTF?! I might as well warn y'all now, it's on my way to work, it's on the right side of the road, and it has easy access. I'm officially going to weigh 600 pounds. Except maybe not because my mom saved me after I sent her a whiny text message about how they're doing this to me, I'm gonna eat all the donuts, etc. Here is what my beloved mommy wrote:

SHIPLEY'S donuts are made with toe fungus and taste like cat PUKE! Avoid at all costs!

My mom is hilarious. Thanks for that, Mom! I'll think of that every time I drive by there now. :o) Love you!

And They Call Our Generation Lazy...

2009-01-18T09:08:00.000-06:00

Remember when I said that I came back from vacation with a bunch of new reasons to hate people? Here's Mere's Enemy #389234, I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady. She was on our shore excursion in Progreso, which was a trip to the Uxmal Mayan ruin site. I immediately knew we were gonna have issues when the five of us got on the bus and it was full of old people. Thinking to myself "Y'all know this is a long trip right? Like we're gonna be outside and walking for a good four hours? And this is southern Mexico, so it's, like, really hot?" I sat in the back and tried to give the blue hairs the benefit of the doubt. Ok, maybe "blue hairs" is unfair; that term is generally reserved (by my dad) for the early bird crowd at Luby's, but these people were definitely eligible for the senior special at most buffet lines.
Anyway, we arrive at Uxmal and begin our tour with Gabriel, who is living my dream and being a tour guide at an archaeological site in Mexico (definitely on my list of top 5 most awesome jobs ever). He tells us from the beginning that we will have about an hour long guided tour and then at least two hours of free time to explore, ask questions, visit the shops and restaurants outside the park, etc. Ok, sounds good. First stop on the tour: the Magician's Pyramid (awesome!). I'll even illustrate it for you:

Awesome, right? Like, you totally want to know all about this thing, right? Especially if you paid for the tour and then rode a bus for 2 hours to get there? Well apparently some of these people were less interested in the super sweet ancient pyramid and more interested in the iguanas that were climbing on it. I wish I were kidding. It's the Yucatan, there are iguanas literally everywhere, they are ridiculously no big deal, but to these four-year-old old people they were more fascinating than the giant chunk of awesome architecture they were climbing around on. About four times during Gabriel's first five minute talk he was interrupted by people saying "There's an iguana! Do you see the iguana? It's climbing right there! There's another iguana! It's climbing down the steps! Iguana, iguana, iguana!" I hate you so much.
Then I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady wanders off to take a picture of the iguanas. While this guy's still talking! Whatever. Gabriel goes on to talk about some numbered stones visible on the side of the pyramid, how the archaeologists actually had to disassemble part of it last year during a pattern of very heavy rain, etc. so they numbered them so they would know where they go when they had to put them back. Now we're ready to move on to the next place but wait, where's I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady?? Oh here she is, out of breath and drenched and wandering back up to the group, and just as I'm thinking "Damn, I hate that woman!" she goes "Question: What do those numbers on some of the stones mean?" I HATE YOU!
Pretty much my next hour was spent actively hating that woman and one or two others. Every time Gabriel would bring us to something new they would literally flop down on the ground like they'd just sprinted a 5k and then finally at the very last place on the tour I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady finally just wandered away for good, found herself a shady rock, and sat there. That's ri-damn-diculous. I'm pretty sure our tour guide was as disgusted as the five of us were. Uxmal is large but it's nowhere near city-sized, in total we probably walked a half a mile, and it was in the morning so it wasn't even all that hot. Whatever.
Anyway, of course I took a picture of I-Have-The-Attention-Span-Of-A-3-Year-Old-And-The-Fitness-Level-Of-A-103-Year-Old Lady for voodoo doll purposes (not voodoo on her specifically, but on all that she represents). And if it looks like we were planning to drop an anvil on her from this vantage point (we were on top of a pretty huge pyramid)...you're not far from right.

Maybe The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

2009-01-17T08:54:00.000-06:00

As you may have heard (because I haven't shut up about it) I recently cruised with four of the most awesome people in my life. You may have also heard that large quantities of alcohol were steadily consumed, some by dubious means, by all of us. One of our prouder moments, I have to say, was the effective use of unregulated free alcoholic beverages at the Captain's Cocktail Party. Those things are amazing; you wander in dressed all nice, find a comfy seat, and suddenly dozens of waiters with trays full of drinks and appetizers are swarming the place, randomly handing them to whomever asks for one. Because we've decided we're special, we attended both of the parties (the one for the early dinner seating and the one for our later dinner seating) because there's no sign that says you can't. Now, before you get all up in arms and start screaming at me about how it's people like us who ruin it for the rest of you, taking advantage of freebies and driving up costs for everyone, examine this nugget of truth: You're just mad that you didn't think of it first.

Anyway - this is a story about me screaming at a four year old, not about differing levels of awesome. So I arrived fashionably late to the first of the Captain's parties and I strolled in (BTW: I totally got shamelessly hit on in full view of my husband and my friends while walking to meet them at their table. Score!) and had to play catch up with everybody at the table. Those waiters sure are on top of things at all times because before I knew it I had a glass of wine and at least three whiskey sours sitting in front of me and they just kept coming. Service = good! After they dismissed everyone to dinner (early dinner) we went and wandered around, then showed up again about an hour later for round two. Once again the cocktails kept magically appearing and when you're sitting still it's really hard to judge exactly how strong those drinks are. Yep, whiskey, I blame YOU.

After the appetizers have been served and the "You Know Who You Are" crowd has had just enough alcohol, people tend to magically get up onstage and dance. White people dancing = usually entertaining. This is when it happened. This was a moment that I am not exactly proud of, and I claim no responsibility what so ever because it's clearly the alcohol's fault. But I admit it, I was blinded by...some feeling I'm sure, and it actually happened. I yelled "homewrecker" at a four-year-old.

It all started when the OWPs were dancing, all cute and bouncy and liquored up and then these two little girls from Mexico, probably 3 and 5, got up onstage. Adorable! Katie and Mark (who don't fit in the OWP category, but were definitely liquored up) danced with them for a little bit and it was the cutest thing, and then an even cuter thing happened: a little boy walked over and started dancing with the oldest girl. Immediately, everybody in the auditorium started cheering and clapping because that's just freaking precious. Of course, some people can't stand to see other people happy. From across the stage came pageant girl. Now, I don't know for sure that she does pageants, I'm just saying with the big blonde bouncy curls, the heinous poufy tulle monstrosity she was dressed up in, and the number of people from "rural America" on the boat, it's a safe bet. So right, girl dressed up as a fairy princess cupcake runs over and gets all up in my girl's Kool-Aid, trying to dance with Adorable Boy! WTF?! Nooooo, beeyotch, he's already with somebody! At least wait for the end of the song, jeez. Luckily, Adorable Boy is also Stand By Your Lady Boy so he's having none of it and just keeps dancing with the cute little girl that he was with in the first place. Fairy Cupcake turns and runs back to her stage mom (who is standing right by the stage so you know she's a stage mom), who is waving like mad at her daughter to get back over there and dance with that boy. I'm not kidding! She's actively rearing a future homewrecker so that her daughter will be the cutest one on the ship! Apparently I harbor some very deep unresolved feelings of wrath toward the That Girls of the world who think because they're adorable they have the right to cut in wherever they see something they like, or I had a high school flashback, or I just saw it as a metaphor for a lot of what goes on in the world, but it pissed me right off. And also I have a VERY strong distaste for stage moms, but that's not new.

So yeah, pretty much I felt protective of the happy little scene going on between the first two kids and didn't want Stage Mom and Fairy Cupcake to win, so I yelled "HOMEWRECKER!" at them. We were in the back of the auditorium and the room was pretty loud and there was a band playing and all that, but still. Did I yell "Homewrecker" at a four-year-old? Damn right I did.

The Job Hunt

2009-01-16T01:30:00.000-06:00

I don't know exactly what happened, either I asked for too much time off (totally a possibility) or they didn't have hours for me this week so they held off scheduling me until Saturday, but I ended up with a glorious two weeks off instead of just one for vacation. Before you get happy for me, let me remind you: I do not get paid vacation. I have this job that is honestly worse than most. I've had some horrible ones in my day (spent a summer in high school working at the local Putt-Putt, mind you!) and I've been in the workforce since I was fourteen so saying that I, at 25, have a freaking terrible job, that's something. Plus I've tried to quit this job like four times now. I actually succeeded once, for about three months, until a manager called me and asked me to come back. Turns out I'm really good at this job. But I hate it and it's toxic and soul-crushing.

Uh, anyway. I've had this week off since we've been back from vacation and at some point I clicked on the Craigslist classifieds, just to see what's there. Turns out the answer is a lot of stuff! And while I'm not the most qualified, I know I'd be awesome at a lot of these jobs! Administrative assistant? I rock at typing and answering phones! Preschool teacher? Those are the only kids I don't hate! (Ok, that's not entirely true for a lot of reasons but let's don't get in to detail here!) I've been waiting to go into this career that will save the world but in reality all I really want to do is answer phones. Is that so bad? Am I rejecting feminism and all that so many have stood for if I say that I just want to be a stay-at-home mom and maybe make a few extra bucks for my family if I can? Are those lowly aspirations? Is that why I've resisted and fought tooth-and-claw to not finish my degree? Self examination is not always comfortable.

I know that D and I don't have kids right now, so the stay-at-home mom thing is out, but I do know that eventually that is what I want. At least until our kids are in school. Why build a career that I'm eventually going to leave anyway? And why does that career have to be in environmental management, or teaching, or social work? Why can't I just happily answer phones for eight hours a day and be happy? Oooh or if the stars aligned just right, writing? Ugh. At this point, I know that anything would be better than the job I have right now. Even my friends hate my job. I get no respect (Hey Rodney Dangerfield!) from my superiors, most of my customers, or half of my coworkers, and while I enjoy the job some of the time, most of the time it's exhausting. Wow this blog SUCKS. I'm so depressed right now, I'm going to go drink a Dr. Pepper. Anyway - what to do? I guess step one: open resume, click "send".

Oh PS I hope everybody caught the new ep of The Office. It was awesome. I don't want to spoil it for anybody but Andy + Prius + Dwight = LOL'd 'til I almost fell off the couch.

Whack-A-Mole Champion

2009-01-15T10:33:00.006-06:00

My stove is possessed!! Apparently some invisible gremlin has decided to screw with me and it's interfering with my eating habits so I'm not too thrilled. This morning I decided that I was going to have an egg for breakfast (that's right, one egg, what up?) so I turned on the stove and wandered around the kitchen while I let the oil and pan heat up. At this point let me just say that while I've had electric stoves everywhere I've lived for the past six years I grew up with gas stoves and I still suck at using the electric ones. I hate them. Anyway - I went to check the oil and it wasn't hot, which was weird because I could smell that the stove was on (Reason #234 why I hate electric stoves.) and then I noticed that the BACK burner was glowing orange. Crap, really? Ok, so I turned on the wrong burner, whatever. I moved the pan to the back burner, no big deal, cracked the egg and continued to wander around the kitchen and suddenly the egg is, like, turning black and there's smoke coming off the pan. WTF?! So I pick up the pan and the burner underneath has gone from "Sidewalk on a Summer Day" to "Solar Flare" glowing bright red. Seriously, stove?

So at this point I decided I'd made breakfast for the dog (You're welcome, Rygel!) and I would just have tea so I set the teapot on the other back burner (not the possessed one) and wandered off again. Ok, fine, when I say I "wandered off" I really mean I was sneaking chocolate chips. Anyway, five minutes later I check it and...nothing's happening. Boo! So I turn up the heat. Still nothing. I hate my stove. So I move the teapot, turn on the front burner, and stand there. I hear the water start to boil so I get out a mug and a teabag and wait. A second later, nothing. WHAT THE HELL!? I'm tired of playing Whack-A-Mole with my stove, trying to throw a teapot on whatever burner decides to heat up, so I turn on the possessed burner. Sure enough, in about three minutes I have tea. After one wasted egg, a blackened stainless steel pan, a stove that thinks it's playing Whack-A-Mole, and thirty minutes, I have tea. Tastes like victory.

Mitten Overboard

2009-01-14T01:25:00.002-06:00

Right so on the first day of the cruise it was ffffreezing cold. Luckily, I had remembered to bring my super cheap mittens from home! Katie forgot hers but no worries, I got two pair for 40 cents last week (yeah I'm still not over that - it's so awesome!). So I let Katie borrow a pair of mine and I put on the other pair and...yeah, at some point one of the ones she was borrowing totally jumped overboard. I don't even know what happened, just all of a sudden she says "I think I lost your mitten!" and makes a Michael Jackson comment. We never found it on the deck and nobody ever turned it in to the purser's desk. Why would anybody want one black mitten?! Unless you're planning to commit a crime and need to not leave fingerprints, but even then a mitten isn't going to do you much good, you need gloves! I know because I kind of tried to show Ben how you could still pull a trigger with a mitten on but it turns out you can't and you'll look stupid, wearing one black mitten putting on a puppet show. Also, apparently in Lithuania they don't have mittens. Good to remember, what with me being 1/4 Lithuanian and all. Katie had to describe in detail to the little Lithuanian woman at the info desk that she was missing a mitten ("It's like a glove, but with all the fingers stuck together? It kind of looks like Michigan.") and had they seen it. Turns out, they had not.

I've decided that the mitten probably chose to become debris on a Texas beach somewhere, casting itself overboard, possibly angry that it was sold for only ten cents at Target. Whatever, mitten, screw you too.

BIGGER Culinary Fail!

2009-01-13T15:55:00.003-06:00

I'm not the only cooking idiot out there! While trying to find a recipe to satisfy my sweet tooth (I always have dumb food cravings when I'm sick), I was browsing my beloved allrecipes.com when I read a review of some red velvet cupcakes posted by someone who is even more of a culinary joker than I! And I quote: "Just a tip: I don't think it will work for anything other than red. I tried to make them blue, substituting blue food coloring for the red. The batter turned green as soon as I added the cocoa."

So, what is that then? Finished Product Knowledge Fail or Creative Recipe Manipulation Fail? Either way I kind of love it. Also who wants to eat blue cupcakes? Anyway, thanks, food fail guy!

Laundry List of Stuff I Hate Today

2009-01-12T22:13:00.003-06:00

Dear Life,

Please ban the following things from my presence until further notice:

- My fickle internet connection
- People under the age of 20 and over the age of 60*
- Sentences that begin with the word "Question"
- People who use sentences that begin with the word "Question"
- Scales (bathroom and fish)
- Mystery illnesses
- Stuff that's dumb and doesn't make any sense
- Commercials for gyms that remind me that I haven't worked out in weeks
- Dog toys full of fluffy stuff
- Family Guy
- My upstairs neighbor and her pet elephant/camel/giant horse

This list is not all-inclusive and is subject to change at any time without notice.

K Thx,
Mere

* Exceptions apply.

SURVIVED.

2009-01-10T23:50:00.002-06:00

Back from vacation! Already I kind of miss it and want to get back on the boat. Well, partly because I miss it and partly because apparently my body thinks I'm somewhere on the high seas - seriously, I can still feel the boat rock. BUT we had a great time and of course, I came back fully armed with tons of stories and reasons to hate people. Like you had any doubt! Give me a couple of days and I'm sure they'll be up here.

So yeah, per the agreement I made with the dog before we left, I did not jump off the boat but that doesn't mean I didn't contemplate tossing a few other people over the side, and the boat was full of some super classy OU fans who looked awesomely dejected in their Sooners shirts after their boys lost the championship game. I LOL'd as I passed a bunch of them playing roulette in the casino after the game, just tossing all their chips on red and watching the dealer stock up on whatever they were throwing out there. Because we all know: Why doesn't Texas float off into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.

I am Lord Destructo!

2009-01-04T16:35:00.003-06:00

The only sad thing about leaving the country for a week is leaving our little pug Rygel at home. For those of you who don't know, we've had Ryg for over a year now and he's pretty much our baby. He's going to be in great hands, one of D's coworkers agreed to watch him while we're gone and she's really great and loves dogs and all that so I'm not worried or anything, I'm just sad that I won't have him for almost a week! Sad face. But this means that not only do Dale and I have to pack for ourselves, we also have to pack for our little guy!

Umm...this is embarrassing. I have gathered up all of his toys to find some that he can take with him and...yeah, pretty much everything is at least partially destroyed. In the bag to go to the pug-sitters with him is Woolly Bully, this toy that used to have a red face with floppy ears, and when you drop it on the floor it shakes and rolls and sings that "Woolly Bully" song. Unfortunately, our little guy has skinned it, so now it's just an egg made out of plastic with a bunch of holes in it that shakes and rolls and sings that "Woolly Bully" song. And there's a stuffed purple platypus that we got him the day he came to live with us (back when he weighed 4 pounds!) but he's ripped all the stuffing out of it. It is now known as his "flat-ypus" instead. Pretty much every toy he's ever had except for his squeaky barbell has been torn to shreds by Rygel, Lord Destructo, King of Killing Toys. And also shoes. Usually only my high heels.

NOM!

Here he is, hard at work on Little Bear (which we still have, although he's been completely de-fluffed) on the day we got him

Ooh New Layout!

2009-01-03T22:42:00.000-06:00

Yeah it's still green but...now it's all colorful and stuff. I figured I got new clothes for Christmas so the Awesome Blog should too!

In other news the Cruise Countdown is whittling away and I'm pretty much bouncing off the walls at this point. I can't wait to get outta here and be not at work, not in school, and not available by cell for five days. Ooh and Mexico! And "Western Caribbean" which we all know really means "Gulf of Mexico" but apparently that doesn't sell as many cruises. I finally have a dress and the bottom half of a swimsuit and might go in search of a top tomorrow but there's a topless sundeck on the boat so if worse comes to worse then...you know...meh.

DEAL(S) OF THE CENTURY!

2009-01-02T18:00:00.002-06:00

FORTY CENTS (that's after tax!) for two pairs of mittens (that's two pairs together, not per pair) and THREE DOLLARS AND TWENTY FIVE CENTS (also after tax) for a bikini bottom. The first deal was found at Target and the second at PacSun. Stuff THAT in your pipe and smoke it! Holla.

Culinary WIN!

2009-01-01T10:05:00.001-06:00

In case you don't remember my previous post about my culinary prowess, my history with food preparation is...bruised. When I unwrapped a very surprise and very much appreciated ice cream maker (AWESOME!) on Christmas morning, though, I decided that "cooking" ice cream isn't the same as cooking regular food. Just because I'm a lousy cook doesn't mean I will definitely suck at making ice cream right? Hmm...well, jury's still out on that one. I made chocolate chip peppermint ice cream yesterday and it was...kind of awesome, actually. It took WAY longer than expected but I think I've got my first trial-and-error list of dos and don'ts. Exciting! So thanks, Amy, for an awesome Christmas present and on a maybe-related note, I now have a bunch of lovely ice cream in my freezer, if anybody wants to come over and help eat it. :-)

Oh, P.S. Happy New Year. Cruise countdown: 4.5 days (counting today and the .5 part of Monday when we won't be on the cruise yet). FTW!

Arrivederci, '08.

2008-12-31T11:16:00.005-06:00

Thanks for the memories! I don't know if you've been the worst year of my life but you definitely don't rank near the top, so sorry. I probably learned more this year than in most others, though, so that's something. And I'm looking forward to 2009. Remember, though, when the tough mean teacher was always the one you hated most but then when you look back you realize that even though the method was beyond your understanding you somehow learned more about life from that crazy person than you did from any of your nice, cuddly teachers? Maybe the analogy only translates in my crazy person brain but to me '08 was the mean teacher. I know things that I didn't know before and I honestly feel a little more capable and strong than if '08 had been a cuddly, sweet little year. So thanks for that, '08. I'm going in to 2009 with a lot of hope and a lot of excitement about change.

Now at the risk of being ridiculed for clinging to tradition:

May the new year bring
The warmth of home and hearth to you.
The cheer and goodwill of friends to you,
The hope of a childlike heart to you.
The joy of a thousand angels to you,
The love of the Son and God's peace to you.

Thanks for reading my mind this year. Love y'all.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

2008-12-29T21:04:00.001-06:00

HILARIOUS! On the recommendation of several people, most of which are good friends, I finally found myself with nothing to do and ordered it on PPV. It could be because Marshall Eriksen and Kenneth The Page are two of my favorite TV characters maybe ever, but I laughed for almsot the whole movie. If you find yourself with a couple extra hours any time soon, definitely check it out, and don't judge me for loving a movie where KTP pretty much screws a giant chess piece. And lots of other weird stuff happens.

And if anybody knows where I can see a rock opera with puppets in real life PLEASE call me. I'm so excited by that idea it's not even funny.

That Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong!

2008-12-28T22:59:00.003-06:00

So you know that whole long list of weird stuff that people have done at work? Here's one I never thought would be on my list: #153: Left a thong on the floor. What? That's right. A thong. On the floor. Not in a fitting room, just right there near the front door of the store. WTF?!

OK, in the thong-dropper's defense, it was a *clean* thong and was most likely inadvertently dropped rather than tossed on our floor like we work in the "Rock of Love" house, but still. Thong. On. The. Floor. Just when I thought I'd seen it all. Even funnier was when dear Edna walked up to a group of girls and asked them if anyone dropped a thong. What a weird day! AND because I'm awesome I had to take a picture a) to prove it and b) I'm making a "FOUND" poster to canvas the shopping center with. Ok part B might be a joke. And I didn't get my camera until the thong had been moved from the floor to the evidence locker, a.k.a. the customer service desk. I think you get the general idea though. I didn't plan on this becoming a photo blog but the awesome won't stop soooo:

PS Do y'all remember the Thong Song? I've had it stuck in my head all day.

Holiday Craft Project

2008-12-26T23:32:00.008-06:00

So as is the custom when a team completely destroys all competition at trivia, we brought home the trophy last week and got to add stuff to it. Turns out we're good at trivia but pretty crappy at organizing time to do creative stuff to a trophy ("I have markers." - Camden) so Dale and I wandered in to Hobby Lobby, spent four minutes(!) in the kids' crafts section, grabbed random stuff, and wandered out. Fantastic. Here are the highlights:

A shout out to Duffy and his weekly speech about "Just a reminder, there is no use of iPhones, Blackberries, schnozberries, we do have free wifi here at the Tavern but if you're Googling something, it'd better be porn!"
TToA "Googling Porn Since 2007".

Our team name won us an extra 5 points this week, so we had to commemorate it somewhere on the trophy. We're gonna be a little more hard up (TWSS) for trivia team names after January 20. It's been a good run, ol' George.

We didn't want to be too holiday-y but we had to add some jingle bells. Hopefully they'll go on to annoy other winning teams for years to come.

Mary putting the finishing touches on. Note the feathers. I thought that was a classy touch.

Annnnd the finished product! Shoes, paint pen, feathers, googly eyes, jingle bells, a button that plays "Happy Birthday" when you press it, and a Hannah Montana guitar with a pic of Cam and Duffy snuggling. It's seriously the best trophy ever. Plus it has all of our names on it, because we ARE the TToA.

Do you think we're taking this too far?
I don't think we're taking this far enough.
I just got goosebumps.

We're defending our title on Tuesday night, all suggestions for team names should be directed to the Facebook group. Aww we're nerdy but I love us.

Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal

2008-12-25T00:01:00.001-06:00

...and a happy new year, too.

Redemption!

2008-12-18T20:56:00.001-06:00

Oh giant ten year old, where is thy sting? We totally redeemed ourselves at trivia this week, and it was awesome. Katie was in town, nobody quit, we had a dreidel, we won best team name ("If you can dodge the draft, you can dodge a shoe!") and we absolutely ruined the other teams, it wasn't even close. Trivia Team of Awesome, FTW! God bless us, every one!

Trail of Lights

2008-12-16T22:57:00.007-06:00

Here's what I did last night. Watch it over and over and try not to puke!

Delicious White Trash WIN!

2008-12-16T17:46:00.003-06:00

Phone: Ring! Ring! Ring!
Griff: (answering the phone) What are you doing?
Me: WEAREGETTINGACARLSJUNIOR!!!!!
Griff: What?
Me: We! Are! Getting! A! Carl's! JUNIOR!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Austin area has gotten a little more delicious, and maybe just a wee bit more trashy: We are getting a Carl's Junior. I first discovered Carl's Junior visiting Griff at college in the Great White North (Lubbock) and from that moment on, I knew that no matter what UT had, Tech had Carl's Junior. Texas State wins the "best local food" award though, so neither school should even try. Anyway, every trip I made to Lubbock after that, the six-ish hours spent in the car to get there were all worth it because I knew that the delicious, greasy, star-shaped fast food WIN of Carl's Junior awaited me. Well, until the last trip I made up there when Griff told me that the Lubbock Carl's Junior was no more, which was also when I decided that Lubbock and I were DONE. So anyway, as sketchy as the Oklahoma connection is, I am freakin stoked. I give you:

Carl's Junior, FTW.

Another Trivia Blog...

2008-12-10T23:22:00.002-06:00

Dear Blog,

I went to trivia with the biggest assholes tonight. We had one of the most WRONG team names ever and when Duffy announced it as a co-winner we all just kind of sat there, unwilling or unable to admit in public that it was us that came up with it. Then all hell kind of broke loose and everyone started fighting. Camden was pretty sure he knew the answer to a question so I wrote it down and suddenly everyone was screaming. They berated Camden about his answer until his only defense was to sit calmly and whimper "Please don't change it." I've never seen a man so defeated by his friends. For the record, he was right, so suck it. And Mary had a horrible day with the crazies and lost her voice. And the Tavern changed their menu and got rid of corn nuggets and also half the stuff they used to serve, including their 35-cent-wings, what the fuck? Also I quit the team. And then some smart ass had the balls to say "Don't worry, she can't quit anything!" Fuckers. Then we came in third (with 62.5 points, that's pathetic!) for the second week in a row because we're in a brain-rut and the really annoying girl who looks like a giant ten year old goes "I think we've had (the trophy) more than anyone else!" Yeah, bitch, three's a real record. And eventually I was lured back onto the team when they needed to know the name of the Grinch's dog. Those people can be so sneaky. I love them.

Love,
Meredith

RYAN LAVERY WEARS A THONG!!

2008-12-08T16:29:00.004-06:00

So this is mainly for Griff who said a) that I needed to write a blog today, and b) that she didn't see The Soup(!) last week. It is, however, also for anybody who appreciates The Soup, All My Children (don't lie, you know you're out there!), and thongs (who doesn't?). And so, as Joel McHale might say: Please to enjoy.

Go Navy, beat Army.

LINE CUTTER!

2008-12-06T21:37:00.002-06:00

So I'm standing in line at Best Buy, buying birthday presents for my mom ("Snakes on a Plane" was on sale! Um and also season 1 of 30 Rock because I'm the best daughter) and because Mom happens to have been born between Thanksgiving and Christmas there were a bajillion people doing their shopping. So I wander over to the long checkout line where they only have two cash registers open and am waiting, as I do. Then, in accordance with my luck in checkout lines, the people in front of me start having all kinds of problems. An elderly lady was having a hard time remembering how to write a check at one register and at the other the cashier just kept on pushing a bunch of buttons and finally stepped back from the machine and goes "It locked me out." at which point I laughed hysterically because CASH REGISTER FTW! Anyway, then they decided to open up a third register. Great! At this point I was about third in line. The cashier at the newly-opened register called for the next person in line, so the first guy wandered over there and then: LINE CUTTER!!! The new register they opened happened to be behind the start of the checkout line, and the lady BEHIND me and another person decided it would be socially appropriate to hop out of line and just go stand behind the person getting checked out at the newly opened register. WTF?! Annoying! I mean, the two other open registers weren't doing a whole lot to get the line moving so her rushing over to the third one was pretty much like saying "SEE YOU LATER, SUCKAS!" to those of us who frown upon cutting in line. Plus she had her kid with her. Great parenting (DRINK)! In case my explanation wasn't clear, here's a visual:

Have a nice, line-cutting-free day!

Guest Blogger

2008-12-03T23:35:00.000-06:00

So I went to trivia tonight, wouldn't shut up about my blog (it is an awesome resource for entertainment and interesting bits of random information), and then was told by everyone there that I would go home and write about trivia. Unfortunately, every time I try to write about trivia I end up with this crazy writer's block. It's not that there's not tons of blog fodder flying around at trivia (it's rampant), it's just really hard to explain WHY some of that stuff is funny. And so tonight, you have a guest-blogger. This is my night at trivia, according to Camden. Enjoy!

ME: I was gonna write a blog about trivia but I can't come up with anything good. Sorry to disappoint!

CAMDEN: Dear blog,
I went to trivia with the biggest assholes tonight. One of them kept saying he knew Simpsons trivia, but I really knew all of them. Also, for some reason, we sat at the pool table. And didn't win the best team name. I may never go again. Or maybe next week. Next week sounds good.
-Meredith

And for the record, the a-hole who is supposed to be our resident Simpsons expert? Mr. Camden Gilman. A.K.A. Armin Tamzarian. And I did totally kick his ass at Simpsons trivia tonight. Sucka.

Kelso

2008-12-02T07:52:00.000-06:00

IDK if anybody reads John Kelso's grumpy, hilarious, and accurate rants in the Statesman or at www.statesman.com, BUT he wrote some pretty insightful awesomeness yesterday and I couldn't help but pass it on. Fair warning: those who are still in shock and/or on a murderous rampage as a result of the Big 12 South standings should maybe chill a while before reading. Anyway, I give you: BCS declares Motel 6 top U.S. hotel, names McCain Time's Man of the Year.

Remember This???

2008-12-01T13:03:00.001-06:00

MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE! EEEEEEEE! Ha ha ha. Also: "Don't fear us, cheer us, if you ever get near us, don't jeer us, we're fearless..." Awesome. Enjoy!

Flippin' Sweet Birthday Card

2008-11-30T22:12:00.008-06:00

While I love and appreciate ALL birthday cards and received some very creative and adorable ones this year, Katie found a way to win over my The Office-loving heart for all eternity. I give you: Flippin' Sweet Birthday Card!!

THANK YOU to everyone who made my birthday so awesomely special - my friends and family are the best ever and I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have every one of you in my life. Also, here is what I came home to after dinner and drinks on Saturday/early early Sunday morning:

Seriously - that was awesome. How cool is my family?! My mom and dad sneaked over here while we were gone and decorated. And yes, that is chimpanzee wrapping paper on my front door. :-) I LOVE YOU ALL so much! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! XOXO

Christmas Songs That Need To Stop

2008-11-26T18:43:00.003-06:00

As evidenced by the Christmas Countdown that's been on my page since, like, September, I effing love Christmas. Pretty much everything about Christmas: the decorations, the crazy people, the shameless advertising, the SALES, and the music. And let me tell you, I get more than my fair share of Christmas music: the radio station we're forced to listen to at work is one of those "Adult Contemporary" stations that play a lot of Celine Dion, John Mayer, and Colbie Caillat every day BUT about a week ago they switched over to 24/7 Christmas music until the 26 (that would be the 26th of NEXT month for those who are confused). Overkill? Um, yes, even for me. And there are a few songs that make me want to do things that are very, very un-Christmasy. Here is my list of Christmas songs that definitely, definitely need to go away. In no particular order:

Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg
Why I hate it: It's a whiny, rambling ballad that gets nothing at all accomplished and just makes me feel sad and annoyed when I could be rockin out to some Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Also there's drinking and driving, which is irresponsible.

The River by At Least 500 Different People
Why I hate it: See above. What's with the whiny Christmas music? BAH, I get that not everybody loves the holidays but can you please stop pissing on everybody else's parade? Although it *does* get cool points for referencing some naughty lovin'. Just saying!

Santa Baby also by 500 people...
Why I hate it: It's creepy!!!! Not only is it being sung from the point of view of a total gold digger, she's also a gold digger with an eye for old, overweight men. Ew! OMG she could be Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County! Something to think about...

That Damn Hippo Song whatever
Why I hate it: The stupid voice, for one, makes me want to jam a pencil in my own ears. Plus it's a stupid song. What would you actually do with a hippopotamus for Christmas? How are you planning to feed it? Where will it sleep? Are you going to take it for walks? What if it becomes aggressive? Hippos are responsible for more deaths in Africa than crocodiles, you know (...Ben...). Are you going to be a responsible hippo owner? Judging from your stupid-sounding voice, I am skeptical. Also that song gets stuck in my head and I HATE that.

The Christmas Shoes I just realized that all of these are sung by dozens of people
Why I hate it: THIS IS THE WORST SONG EVER. DALE AND I HAVE TOTALLY BONDED OVER OUR MUTUAL HATRED OF HOW TERRIBLE THIS SONG IS. HE HATES IT BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PULLING ON YOUR HEART STRINGS, I HATE IT BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MAKING MONEY AND TRYING TO BE THAT CHRISTMAS SONG THAT EVERYONE LOVES. THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO SUCKER PUNCH AN OLD PERSON.

So there are others, but that's my list for now. Happy holidays!

New Drinking Game...

2008-11-24T09:48:00.002-06:00

So here's the new game I'm going to play at work. I figure it's because of the economy ("The Economy" is what people blame the batshit crazies for now instead of "El Nino") but work's been exceptionally slow and full of crazy people lately, and I'm thinking that steadily sipping Malibu & Dr. Pepper during the day will greatly improve my outlook and probably productivity. Keep in mind that these are actual examples of things that have happened to me or a coworker on the job. So here you go:

1 DRINK:
- Bride proudly flashes her obviously fake "diamond" while talking about how much it cost. (Jan would've said "She's got herself a big ol' CZ!" while I laughed hysterically.)
- Somebody calls to get directions and when I ask them where they are right now they get annoyed and say "I DON'T KNOW!" Well then how do you suggest I direct you? Crazy person.
- Someone comes to pick up merch that's still in a box or is nowhere to be found.
- Someone calls to see if we have a certain dress in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Someone swears up and down that they're a size 4... "I'm a 4, I'm a 4, I'm a 4." ...and half an hour later she's barely squeezing into a 10. No vanity sizing here, crazies! Also drink one for each size she had to skip through on her way to the one that actually fit AND chug if she's got the guts to say "Y'alls' sizes are wrong!" Yup, you're right, it's the dress' fault.
- 1 drink for every instance of irresponsible parenting you see in the store. Keep these drinks small, there's a lot of them.
- Someone that has never called the store or spoken to anyone there swears up and down that she has an appointment on a busy Saturday.
- Crazy person who ordered a dress in Houston acts surprised that we don't have it when she comes to the Austin store to pick it up. "I told them I'm from Austin they should have known to send it here." "Ma'am, that's not how it works, I'm sorry." Bonus drinks if she bitches about the cost of shipping it from Houston.
- Someone wants us to hold a dress for her until she gets paid...in a week and a half.
- Somebody utters the phrase "The alterations cost as much as the dress." Keep in mind, I hear this all the time but it's not always being said angrily. Luckily, most people understand that good alterations are expensive and they got a great deal on their dress in the first place.

5 DRINKS:
- Someone calls to see if we have five different dresses in stock because she doesn't want to drive her fat butt all the way to the store if we don't have it.
- Crazy person comes in to pick up the dress she ordered annnnnd it doesn't zip. (Jan would've said "She ate her way out of the dress, is what happened!" Ah, how I miss Jan!)
- Someone wanders in the week of their wedding and needs a whole mess of alterations done to make her dress fit but then whines about how much it costs.
- Somebody asks if they can return their dress if it still has the tags and hasn't been worn. Bonus 5 drinks if they tell you nobody told them about the all-sales-final policy (We make them sign their receipt where it states ALL SALES ARE FINAL and ALTERATIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR AN ADDITIONAL COST). Extra bonus chug if it's the lady that yelled at me "WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE A SIGN THAT SAYS THAT SOMEWHERE IN YOUR STORE!" ("Ma'am, we do have them, they are at every cash register." - CHUGGGG!)
- Crazy person calls to make an appointment and says "I'm going to be in a hurry so can you pull these twelve dresses in a size 4 and have them in my fitting room when I get there?"
- An employee has to dye shoes ASAP because a) We screwed it up the first time, b) The bride/bridesmaid forgot or didn't know that our shoes come in white and have to be dyed any other color, or c) Somebody waited 'til the last minute to pick out her shoes.
- Chick who's getting married THIS WEEK comes in, finds a dress that fits her really well and is within her price range, and then says "I'll think about it and come back later." WHAAAAT?! I'm gonna sell that while you're gone just to piss you off.
- Somebody leaves a baby carrier with a baby in it unattended in the middle of the store. Because I'm a baby-sitter, duh!

CHUG:
- Someone calls and wants me to tell them the style number of every dress we have in the store in Victorian Lilac in a size 14. Bonus points if she has the balls to tell you "I have a really busy day so I only want to come in there if it's going to be worth it."
- Someone says they're going to call the BBB and complain about us. Um, a) get in line and b) get a new threat, do you honestly think we haven't heard that before? How about you're going to call my mom? Or, IDK, the governor?
- Kid pees in a fitting room.
- Bride selects the dress, and also decides to get the bra, petticoat, shoes, headpieces, etc. etc. etc. and then gets up to the register, watches us ring it all up, and then says "Oh well I can't pay for it today."

This list is subject to change

Question:

2008-11-19T00:36:00.002-06:00

Want to know how to really annoy me? Like really bad? And instantly irritate me to the point that I not only don't feel like helping you but am also already building an irrational grudge against you that will make your life suck later? Insert the word "Question" before a question. Now, I get that it's hilarious when Dwight Schrute does it. Dwight gets away with a lot. In my daily life, however, SHUT UP. Know what? I'll get that you're asking me a question after you've ASKED ME THE QUESTION. Telling me in advance that you're planning to ask me a question doesn't excite me, doesn't make me pay more attention to what you're about to say, and doesn't make you less annoying. It does, in fact, have the opposite effect of all of those things. And it wastes time, and you know how much I love to do that on my own (I don't need your help!). PLUS it's gotten to where the word "question" bothers me and I'm going to add it to my Banned Words list (the verbal equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard) with words like "turd" and "juxtaposition".

So don't piss me off. If you're gonna ask me a question just ASK the flippin QUESTION, k? Thanks. Gah.

Car FAIL.

2008-11-13T09:22:00.002-06:00

Nooooo!!! My car is BROKEN! This is so the no-buenoest of no bueno. First of all, thanks to the AWESOME Julie who picked me up and drove me home to get my extra key and then BACK to Burnet and 183 to help me get my car started. IDK for sure what's going on with it - sometimes my key works and sometimes I have to use my spare or my valet key. It's REALLY upsetting b/c it was just in the shop last weekend. :-( Bah!

11/11

2008-11-11T19:08:00.001-06:00

Found this on Pundit Kitchen and found it particularly touching.

Happy Veterans' Day. LOVE!

Stephen Colbert...

2008-11-10T22:43:00.000-06:00

...totally my hero this week.

Squirrel Soup? That's Nuts!

2008-10-27T23:55:00.005-05:00

This is a true story but the names have been deleted to protect the...well, it's only maybe a crime and it was totally by accident. ANYWAY. So, someone's cat named Avalanche (who is notorious for leaving pieces of animals as "presents" for his people) dropped off a delightful dead squirrel on the front porch recently. Thoughtful! Anyway, this person did not want to throw the squirrel away in the regular trash can because it would rot so he put it in a trash bag and dropped it in the back of his truck because apparently he's an expert at body disposal. Unfortunately, he forgot about the squirrel and subsequently drove his truck through a car wash. Squirrels don't weigh very much and trash bags act like parachutes (or sails!), and, adhering to the laws of physics, the bag and contents were whisked out of the truck and onto the floor of the car wash. Whoops. The driver didn't notice until he had pulled the truck out of the car wash and looked in his rearview mirror, just in time to see the next car in line roll over it. So yeah, somewhere in Austin there's a car wash with a trash bag with a run-over, half-eaten dead squirrel in a bag blocking its drain. That's nuts!

Dammit.

2008-10-25T23:09:00.003-05:00

So lately I don't know if I've been, like, really impatient or just very eager to get to the next webpage but I've been doing a lot of delayed double-clicking. Like, I'll click on a link, and then my computer doesn't immediately send me to the next webpage and nothing happens for a second, so I'll click on it again. No problem, EXCEPT those ad people have gotten tricky and it turns out that one click is enough (you'd think I'd get that by now...) and the second click just clicks on whatever is in that spot on the next website. Which, more often than not, is a FREAKING BANNER or some other ad. And by the time the next website comes up I already know what I've done and all I can do is sit there and think "DAMMIT." because now I'm gonna have to sit here while the banner pops up and tells me to click the pink iPhone or whatever and I'll have to close it and then go about my day. Yes, I know that it's only 15 seconds but still - Dammit.

Sneaky ad people.

Get Yer Crab On!

2008-10-23T21:34:00.005-05:00

I was gonna write about something really good but I can't remember it anymore so DAMN IT. Instead: my creativity appears to be broken. SAD! The manager from one of the other stores called earlier and told us there's a competition going on that requires each store to have their own team name and that we needed to pick one. NOOOO!! I suck at picking names! So it was just me and LC and Heather Marie this morning and I was completely stuck and LC wanted to be something bridal-y like the "Crusading Corsets" (gotta admit, that's funny) or the "Galloping Garters" and Heather Marie was hungry, apparently because she offered up "Mudpies" and "Dip Cones". Dip Cones always make me think of Dilly Bars, so when Diane called back I was like "The Dilly Bars?" and there was silence and then I said "It was Heather's idea!" totally pushing my non-creative energy off on someone else (sorry) and Diane kind of loved it, I think. Then from the back of the store, Heather yells out "THE FIGHTING HERMIT CRABS!" and I repeated it and Diane goes "Sweeeeeeet!" and hangs up. Wait, what??? Nooo! Fighting Hermit Crabs? Really? Sure enough, later on we got an e-mail, this weekend going head-to-head in the competition are the "Mustangs" and the "Fighting Hermit Crabs". Holla.

Meh...

2008-10-20T13:23:00.002-05:00

This was on The Soup on Friday. I'm doing my damnedest to hate the song but COME ON! It's so catchy! Anyway, McHale made me hate myself less. THANKS!

Questions I'm Tired Of Answering At Work...

2008-10-19T18:23:00.002-05:00

- YES, we get a lot of bridezillas. Yes, they're that bad, and yes, brides from our store have been on the TV show before.

- NO, you can't give me ten style numbers and have me pull the dresses and put them in a fitting room because you'll be "in a hurry" at your appointment.

- NO, I can't hold a dress until Tuesday so you can come try it on.

- NO, alterations are not included in the cost of the dress.
ALSO: Yes, you have to pay in full with your first fitting. You don't go to a restaurant and then act surprised when they want you to pay, right?
AND: It's "alterations" not "alter-nations", and your dress is being "altered" not "alterated", "alternated", or any other twisted variety of that word.

- YES, all sales really are final. It's printed on a sign by each register, your receipt (which you signed), and on the garment tags. Even with your receipt, even with the tags on, even if you ordered it and never picked it up, all sales are final. Please choose carefully.
ALSO: No you can't exchange it.

- YES, without an appointment you might have to go on the waiting list, which could take an hour or longer before we can get you into a fitting room.
ALSO: No, I'm not lying to you, all of our fitting rooms really are assigned to consultants on the weekends.
IMPORTANT: This isn't a Target, things work a little differently here.

ALSO, A NOTE FOR GUYS: I'm sure you're convinced that it's incredibly clever and hilarious when you walk in the door and I ask how we can help you to say "I'm looking for a wedding dress..." just to see what happens. Fun fact: You're not the first guy this week to make that "joke". You're probably not even the first guy TODAY to make that joke. Want to know what would be really damn charming? To just say "I'm looking for my wife and kids." Because I know that's what you're probably doing, I just want to make sure. And also I'm testing you. Because if you were REALLY funny and clever, you would put your money where your mouth is and wear a freakin wedding dress for half an hour. And then we'd be friends and I'd respect you, because that's cooler than making a lame joke because you're uncomfortable walking in to a bridal shop. Are we on the same page? Next time just go to Best Buy, it's like, RIGHT THERE.

Grown Up Girl

2008-10-13T13:32:00.006-05:00

This is normally the kind of thing I'd write in a journal and not in a blog for all to see but, whatever. I'll take it down if I decide I don't like it.

I know I've taken on a lot lately. What I'm really proud of, though, is that I'm handling it all very well. I think so, at leat. I'm in my last semester on campus at Texas State (still got a little work to do in the Spring unless I miraculously learn Spanish in the next two months) and I'm taking 15 hours, I went back to work and then took on a full-time position there, and have had extra odds and ends added to my workload there over the past two weeks or so, and on top of those two things I've taken on a lot in my personal life. But the cool part about it is that for the first time I feel like I am actually doing it. Like, it's a lot, but it's not too much. Have I finally learned to balance the things that I want to do with the things that I "have to" do without giving up because it's hard and/or getting overwhelmed and freaking out? I don't know. I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe I've made some kind of true step towards adulthood. Funny thing for a 24 year old married woman to say, I know.

Of course now that I've come to that realization and things have kind of calmed down in the "doing stuff" department there's this big place where a lot of emotional things are coming up lately. Ugh! Baby steps, I guess. :-)

Shiner Six Pack

2008-10-06T19:26:00.006-05:00

I spent Saturday night in a bar without a credit card machine. Yup you can still use paper money for stuff. Weird! And it's in Liberty Hill, so it gets weirder. Also there were two dogs hanging out in the bar, and a six year old. Child, not dog. Whatever, though, I had a great time and me and Andrew's uncle Roger got schooled at shuffleboard by Dale and Crazy Barry.

Also, Andrew's band? AWESOME! Find an excuse to have a party and hire them, it'll change your life!

150% More Ridiculous

2008-09-30T23:06:00.003-05:00

Back at the bridal shop. YUP. This is hell:

Congratulations, universe. You win.

Good Show, Amazon!

2008-09-21T01:22:00.002-05:00

K so I finally broke down and bought ALL of my books for this semester. Sickening. You know it's bad when the book you need is more expensive from the independent sellers on Amazon.com than it is directly from Amazon or the bookstore. Ugh! Environmental Hazards: No longer my favorite class! Oh I can't stay mad at you (Um have I also mentioned that I'm sick and have ingested a large quantity of cold medicine in the last 36 hours?). Anyway, you know you've spent WAY too much on books and that you have been in school too long and you are maybe also a giant history nerd when two of the three "Recommended For You!" books that pop up after you order something from Amazon are actually already sitting on your bookshelf at home. "The English Heritage" and "Voices of the American Past". Ah yes - be jealous, I know you wish that they were in your collection.

The upside of all of this nonsense is that A) I spent less than $200 on actual textbooks and another $20 on course materials (Dr. C. makes us get lecture notes from the bookstore b/c he's concerned that his Frenchness will make him hard to understand. Gotta love him!) and also B) I will soon be receiving tons and tons of mail. And it'll be good mail, too. What's in this giant box? Is it "A History of Environmentalism In The United States"? Maybe "International Disaster Management"? "Border Radio"? I can't wait! Ugh, gotta get off the cold meds.

I'll probably delete this post in the morning, this is just embarrassing. Good night.

The Office Marathon

2008-09-18T17:58:00.003-05:00

YUP. So there is now exactly ONE WEEK remaining until The Office returns!! Yessss! About a week and a half(ish) ago, I decided to re-watch the entire series before the Big Fifth Season starts on the 25th. So far, so good! Except who knew that OMG four seasons of this show is still a LOT of tape (awesome tape, but still...) and time. Currently, I am watching "Beach Games". If you don't know, that's on the last disc of season three. So starting probably tomorrow and then going on through the weekend (Mon/Wed next week are totally out for TV watching, damn school!) it's SEASON FOUR MARATHON!! You should totally come watch. Long live Jim and Pan! :-)

"I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!" - Aw, <3 Stanley!

Paper or Plastic?

2008-09-13T12:07:00.006-05:00

I know what this ACTUALLY means but c'mon, Target. BABY SALE? Surely you can produce better verbage than that. Unless you are actually now selling infants and toddlers. Talk about your one-stop shopping. Uh, anyway...this is what I'm doing today.